AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

[JustHereForThePooStories]

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

She's probably a SAHM and was feeling incredibly lonely and maybe was trying to strike up a conversation with a grown up by hiding behind her kid.

Give the poor woman a break!

myself and young Tim would have happily shared a table, perused my magazine in companionable silence, and she could have buggered off elsewhere

Ha ha, like that idea OP

Oh my God, that is just rude and intrusive behaviour.

By all means engage with and have a lovely time with your child. Don't demand that everyone else joins in.

Presumably being young most kids have great hearing so don't need the parents to TALK to them VERY LOUDLY about how they can PRACTISE THEIR FRENCH when they all go to their SECOND HOUSE IN FRANCE.

Thats performance parenting. Not chatting normally to your kid in a cafe.

The lady is waving with one, two, two fingers mummy. Two!* *

Ha ha - some funny posts on this thread.

I simply don't understand the offence taken whenever anyone mentions Performance Parenting. Hardly anyone objects to a loud voice. Nearly everyone objects to the parent surreptitiously looking at another adult (preferably another, but crapper, mother) whilst trying to draw attention to their own or child's superiority.

I do this all the time oops (don’t involve strangers though) I didn’t know constantly trying to teach your child was a bad thing! Maybe some of us are doing it because we want our kids to learn and it’s nothing to do with showing off or performance parenting

[Bangs head on computer] Performance Parenting is when you are giving sidelong looks at someone else to see if they've noticed, nay, appreciated, your parenting.

He said “gween”, it was actually teal!!!

I performance parent all the time because I want to share DD's achievements with unsuspecting strangers and have them think that I am a wonderful mother and DD is adorable.

BUT the whole aim of this exercise of ego boosting and insecurity is to do it subtly! And if the point is getting to people to like you, why would you be so damn rude!

What a waste of a performance.

Teaching and interacting with children isn’t a bad thing, only when it involves strangers. I’m really not interested in children I don’t know so I wouldn’t be sitting there thinking how adorable they were, I’d be doing my best to ignore you and them!

Many posts ago Waterrat nailed it! I know you didnt like it OP but we have all beeeeeen there. I think that mum was desperate for an adult to engage with.

You can tell the performance parents on this thread!!

I'm a parent and if I go out to a cafe by myself it's cause I want to be by myself and am delighted to have left children elsewhere. I do not want to entertain or be entertained by anyone least of all other children.
I really don't care if the other people around me haven't spoken to anyone else that day, you can be guaranteed I've already had to deal with numerous strangers through my work and all I want is some space for my own thoughts.

I never realised bold was just an Irish thing either!

So many people missing the point of this thread. I don't think anyone has suggested that talking to your child- "how many marshmallows? 1-2-3" etc is in anyway wrong, but to repeatedly sit there and encourage your child to comment loudly on a stranger trying to have a cuppa in peace is intrusive and annoying. Couldn't she have sat in the window and counted red cars or something?

So many of the replies on this thread are utterly baffling. There is absolutely nothing nasty in the OP's post. Can people really not see the difference between engaging with your child and even encouraging your child to engage with others in an appropriate way and what the OP is describing here, which is prodding your child to comment loudly on the appearance, demeanour and assumed social habits of a complete stranger?!! It really is not doing a child any favours to encourage such rudeness and anti-social behaviour. As a PP observed, other people are not educational props or learning opportunities for your child.
I am wincing at the idea of a parent encouraging his or her child to comment on aspects of my appearance within hearing of me and others. I'm tremendously fat and have had young children comment loudly and curiously on it. It's not a nice experience for me but the children are innocent and only calling it as they see it. In all such instances, I have taken it in good humour and the parent has visibly blanched and apologised sincerely. I simply cannot imagine a scenario where a parent would encourage a child to comment loudly on aspects of another person's physical appearance. It is unspeakably rude.
Why do people always have to jump to indignant defensiveness mode before considering the actual salient point in an OP's post? Into the bold corner with ye until ye get a bit of cop on, I say.

I agree @Softday. I can’t believe that people are saying the mother is lonely and wants to have adult conversation. She’s hardly going the right way about it by encouraging her child to comment on a stranger’s appearance.

It possibly is true that she only wants to interact with another adult, but that's not saying she's going about it the right way. It can make you a bit batty being stuck in the house with young children. (Speaking from personal experience.)

Obviously it's still very annoying, whatever the reason. But it's possibly not because she's showing what a great parent she is.

Pinksparkly I do agree, but loads of mum's use exactly that apparatchik to segue into conversation. She's probably out of practice.

Softday Excellent post.

What were Timmy's shoes like? Kids shoes are always way better than boring grown up ones

Really funky navy Converse knock-offs. He was dotey (another Irishism!).
They were cute, but not as cute as my Wonder Woman Converse knock-offs.

The child didn’t annoy me at all. He was cute, bright, and chatty. I’m sure the mother was perfectly nice too and I would have interacted with her had she initiated a conversation, but she pretty much blanked me and instead spoke about me which made me feel self-conscious and a bit embarrassed. Discussing a stranger’s appearance/clothing/activities within earshot of them is rude, and having a child with you does not negate that.

I did like the teal jacket but, when my DH saw it on me last night, he asked if I bought it from the Aer Lingus staff uniform shop. Fecker.

Who are all you people with children who talk to you??
DS has always been a man of few words. Once we were relaxing in Costa, and I was trying to entertain him about what we can see out of the window, what our drink is made of, and he just said, "Mummy, it's ok if you don't talk now please."
Cue a rather awkward silence

@CoughArghCoughArghCough
It's a fair cop guv, I own up to being told to stop singing. Frequently.
I don't sing in cafes either.

The little one can't talk, but does put her hand over my mouth in solidarity with her older sister.

I'm a wrecked gran who never expected to be in charge of two little ones, later in life (long story). I did join MN in the hope of finding a teal coat.

Haha this is like the many many dog threads that pop up.
Just because you think your kids are amazing and wonderful doesn't mean strangers have to. When I get the one morning a week to myself the last thing I want is for some other Mom trying to engage me into toddler talk when I'm having a coffee!
She sounds like a performance parenting loon.

CBA to read the thread, OP, why is it your bloody business how other women teach their children? Why do you think your opinion mattered to her one iota? Why do you believe people put on 'performances' to impress you?
Climb down dear, you really do not matter to strangers.