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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

261 replies

JustHereForThePooStories · 31/01/2018 21:45

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:51

Yes possibly. But I don't think it was such an issue at York Railway Museum. He doesn't do that in the library. It was OTT, yes, but it wasn't obnoxious. It was actually a little bit funny more than anything else. I wasn't cringing with embarrassment thinking, Keep the noise down, and I'm not loud at all.

Olddear · 01/02/2018 12:51

No-one is saying you shouldn't chat to your kids, just we don't all need to be involved.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:54

Yes, it's definitely worth a visit, @halfwitpicker if you're into trains. It's very interesting, but It's not something I'd ever have chosen to do if I hadn't met my DH iyswim.

I'm more interested in walking around the wall.

doubleshotespresso · 01/02/2018 13:09

Threads like this make me despair.

If Little Timmy had been charging about or god forbid used an ipad or smartphone, the judgy pants would be out in force wouldn't they?

And yet this poor woman (who yes sounds like she could have done with a bit of friendly adult interaction) gets side eye and a judgy post from you on Mumsnet as she is encouraging her DS to identify colours and objects in an effort to occupy him-well done you OP.

Hope you got your "bloody peace" elsewhere!

OverTheParapet · 01/02/2018 13:11

I deduce that little Timmy isn't very bright. My DD is 2 years & 4 months. Already knows her alphabet & phonics and can count to 30. She'd also know the difference between green & teal Grin

kaytee87 · 01/02/2018 13:16

@OverTheParapet well whoopy do for you 🙄

blackchina · 01/02/2018 13:18

@doubleshotespresso

Very few people have an issue with a mummy TALKING to her baby/child, and interacting; it's the ridiculous perfomanc parenting people object to; speaking VERY LOUDLY so everyone can hear what an amazing mummy she is, and letting everyone know her child has a reading age 5 years old than he/she is, and letting everyone know what continents they have travelled to and so on. Like anyone gives a shiny shit.

I can only surmise from your annoyance at people getting irked by this performance parenting, that you are one of these irksome people who has to let random people you don't know, how amazing you are.

blackchina · 01/02/2018 13:21

@doubleshotespresso

Very few people have an issue with a mummy TALKING to her baby/child, and interacting; it's the ridiculous perfromance parenting people object to; speaking VERY LOUDLY so everyone can hear what an amazing mummy she is, and letting everyone know her child has a reading age 5 years older than he/she is, and letting everyone know what continents they have travelled to and so on. Like anyone gives a shiny shit.

I can only surmise from your annoyance at people getting irked by this performance parenting, that you are one of these irksome people who has to let random people you don't know, how amazing you are.

doubleshotespresso · 01/02/2018 13:27

blackchina

I can only surmise from your annoyance at people getting irked by this performance parenting, that you are one of these irksome people who has to let random people you don't know, how amazing you are.

Not at all I am far from annoyed, though I am baffled how you sit from behind your screen having never actually you know, met me and decided exactly what type of person / parent I am. What an absolute joy that must be. And no on the far too rare occasions these days that I manage a day out with my little one she would be the noisy one and I'd be frantically trying to keep her still at the table as unlike Little Timmy's poor Mum I haven't quite got that down yet.

Judge away judge away

Oblomov18 · 01/02/2018 13:33

I never did this. I don't like it. I don't think it's necessary. Is it a new thing?

blackchina · 01/02/2018 13:45

@doubleshotespresso

Not at all I am far from annoyed, though I am baffled how you sit from behind your screen having never actually you know, met me and decided exactly what type of person / parent I am. What an absolute joy that must be. And no on the far too rare occasions these days that I manage a day out with my little one she would be the noisy one and I'd be frantically trying to keep her still at the table as unlike Little Timmy's poor Mum I haven't quite got that down yet.

Judge away judge away!

Calm down dear. Wink

looks like I hit a raw nerve then

doubleshotespresso · 01/02/2018 13:58

looks like I hit a raw nerve then

Was that your blatant but failed intention?

MountainsofMars · 01/02/2018 14:20

Bournemouth! So far away, but it's an excellent UNI,

It's not, actually.

Would have made me snigger.

Oblomov18 · 01/02/2018 14:37

Why do people do this. Why can't they talk to children normally? Does anyone think children benefit from this constant drivel?

When did this become the done thing? More importantly, how can we stop it?

taskmaster · 01/02/2018 14:42

Please, do talk to your children by all means. BUT THEY’RE NOT DEAF. You really don’t have to involve everyone around you. It really pisses me off

I am though. Partially deaf. Sorry if that pisses you off Hmm

MycatsaPirate · 01/02/2018 15:00

Bonesy Your son sounds lovely and if I was sat near you I'd probably catch your eye and smile and want to talk to you both. You definitely aren't performance parenting, you are reacting to your child's needs.

blackchina Yeah Bournemouth's not that great a uni. We live here and my DD has gone to Suffolk to do her course even though it was available here. Although she may just have wanted to get away from home! Great nightlife and lovely beaches though!

IkeaGrinch · 01/02/2018 15:03

I don’t understand why everyone is so quick to ascribe negative intentions to others. Maybe a Mum just enjoys talking to her child and the child enjoys talking to her. Why do they have to be putting on a performance for anyone? Can’t they just be enjoying each other’s company?

UpstartCrow · 01/02/2018 15:06

Performance parenting is like a bizarre form of stage school over acting. Its completely different from just being natural.

Helllllooooooo · 01/02/2018 15:14

I actually think this is very rude of her, to have been pointing you out to her son.
Like yeah be observant but don’t list someone’s description to them while they are sat there obviously requiring some me time.

But that’s another thing that gets my goat, these people that can’t go anywhere or do anything without a group of people with them. I bet she is one of those. She sounds like it.

Poor Timmy

UnicornRainbowColours · 01/02/2018 15:20

I do this with my nanny charge. It’s called interacting and engaging with your child...don’t be so jealous and nasty.
Good on that Mum for talking to her child and not sitting said child on an iPad or phone while she ignores him.

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 15:25

Does anyone think children benefit from this constant drivel?

I'm not sure my 2.5yo ds benefits from it, but what I can tell you is that I feel far more comfortable knowing his attention is fully focused on me and my jaunty vocal inflections whist we're out, such that I hope the keep him completely wrapt in our conversation, because I have no bloody idea what he might be capable of were he not!

Honestly, on the occasions I've taken my foot of the gas - only for the briefest second, only to pay for my shopping or to exchange hellos with a passing parent - ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE. Sorry, but if you were enjoying your coffee in an eye-catching green coat, I might also have thrown you under the bus to prevent that from happening.

DISCLAIMER: lighthearted

maddiemookins16mum · 01/02/2018 15:44

It's quite possible to interact with a child without involving a perfect stranger who just wanted a cuppa. It's also possible to do it quietly and to the point that it's barely noticed as opposed to..

'Oh Timmy, what is that lady wearing' etc etc, said in a voice loud enough for the whole Cafe to hear.

Cringe making.

OverTheParapet · 01/02/2018 15:54

@kaytee87 it was tongue in cheek

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/02/2018 16:03

It’s called interacting and engaging with your child no it isn't.
And if you think the only alternative is ignoring a child you might want to update your training.

MrWasheeWashee · 01/02/2018 16:15

Yeah that would have pissed me right off too. By all means, be loud with your kids, but don't get me involved!