I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.
Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.
Then the performance parenting started.
At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”
Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.
Then the topic turned to me.
“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”
I smiled weakly.
“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”
“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)
“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)
At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.
“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)
By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.
They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.
LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.
At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”
Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.