Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

261 replies

JustHereForThePooStories · 31/01/2018 21:45

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

OP posts:
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 01/02/2018 11:51

I started off reading thinking it was normal (although if Timmy is 3, I wouldn't call it performance parenting to be doing numbers up to 10 or colours...) but it got weird when the mum started talking about the OP like she wasn't there.

MountainsofMars · 01/02/2018 11:58

but it got weird when the mum started talking about the OP like she wasn't there

Yes. And it was just rude to the OP - teaching her child to talk about someone like that. Just rude - and really quite passive aggressive & nasty actually.

kaytee87 · 01/02/2018 12:02

I chat to my 18mo a lot, I don't think I'd involve a stranger to this degree though seems a bit weird.
I also sing to him and play with him etc when out and about, couldn't care less what other people think. (Save my crazy dances for in the house though)

KERALA1 · 01/02/2018 12:04

It's really obvious when a parent is showing off. You will know if you are doing it. It's to be encouraged as it's extremely amusing. There are many in my city usually in the library or Waitrose.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:15

Sometimes it's not performance parenting, it's over enthusiastic parenting. My DH for example told my DDs everything about trains when we went to York Railway Museum. He's a civil engineer and trains are his hobby, so he loves doing things like that. (He does prefer to do that childfree, as he likes to spend a long time there, and our DDs would get bored if he did that with them.

But the point I'm making here is that he didn't give a toss what other people thought, he just has a voice that carries. But I expect some of you would have called it performance parenting.

MountainsofMars · 01/02/2018 12:17

But the point I'm making here is that he didn't give a toss what other people thought, he just has a voice that carries. But I expect some of you would have called it performance parenting.

But was he commenting on the looks, behaviour, and likely social status or state of friendlessness of other people visiting the museum?

In other words, was he being rude to complete strangers?

MargaretCavendish · 01/02/2018 12:18

But the point I'm making here is that he didn't give a toss what other people thought, he just has a voice that carries

If people who 'have voices that carry' don't make any effort to control their volume in public spaces - especially quiet ones like museums! - then that's pretty obnoxious, whether they're talking to children, adults or on their phone.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:26

York Railway Museum is not a quiet place!!

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:29

Posted too soon!

But no he wasn't being rude to complete strangers. And it's not that he shouts, it's just that his voice carries, which could be annoying, but York Railway Museum is a place a lot of families with young children visit. It wouldn't be obnoxious imo, but it might be a bit OTT, I admit.

MountainsofMars · 01/02/2018 12:30

I'd be someone subtly trying to stay within range of your DH, to hear the extra information about trains from an expert. So if you see a middle-aged nerd woman subtly stalking your family, give me the MN secret wave/handshake/head tilt!

BluthsFrozenBananas · 01/02/2018 12:31

The difference between performance parenting and just keeping your child entertained is that performance parenting is not done for the benefit of the child, it’s done for the people around you to show how marvellous you and your offspring are.

It’s the difference between “shall we count the cows in the picture? One, two, three..” and so on and “shall we count the cows in the picture in mandarin? Now do it in Latin? what’s the collective noun for cows?”.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:34

I'd be someone subtly trying to stay within range of your DH, to hear the extra information about trains from an expert. So if you see a middle-aged nerd woman subtly stalking your family, give me the MN secret wave/handshake/head tilt!

Lol, I might just do that. It's a place that's not all that exciting for me, so that would make it more entertaining!! Grin

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 12:34

It must be really tough going through life, forever being so willfully irritated by others. You can't expect the whole world to have attended to your particular brand of finishing school - correct etiquette is not guaranteed when one mixes with the general public.

If it were me and I was so keen on a bit of peace and quiet I think I'd spend more time at home. One has one's own kettle, does one not?

MargaretCavendish · 01/02/2018 12:36

If it were me and I was so keen on a bit of peace and quiet I think I'd spend more time at home. One has one's own kettle, does one not?

Surely this goes both ways - people being loud also have their own homes and kettles, one assumes.

Public space is shared space, and so it works best if everyone is considerate. That means no one expecting constant hushed silence, but also no one prattling on as loudly as they like with no consideration of the people around them.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 01/02/2018 12:39

To be fair to the mum, if you're at home all day with a 2/3 year old there's not much chat you can actually have if you don't force the conversation.

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 12:40

Public space is shared space, and so it works best if everyone is considerate.

You can only demand a certain amount of consideration from those you share a space with though, can't you. A coffee shop is a privately owned space anyway, so they have the final say on what is allowed. And if they don't demand their patrons be unobtrusive I'm afraid anyone who doesn't like it must vote with their feet!

AveAtqueVale · 01/02/2018 12:42

For us it was a blink of an eye from colours and 'look, someone else wearing glasses' to 'that lady's very big', 'why is that lady so small?' etc

This^. DS(3) is currently obsessed with relative size and what will fit through or into spaces etc. Last week we were sitting in Costa and I was NOT chatting to him (oh how I wish I had been Blush) when his attention was caught by a very large lady making her way towards the door. He yelled ‘Hey watch out lady, you won’t fit through that door! You’ll crash!’ I basically jumped on him to distract him but she definitely heard. As did almost everyone else in the shop. I tried to catch her eye to apologise but she just rushed out DS voicing his surprise that she did fit- and I’ve felt absolutely mortified every time I’ve thought of it since. So yes, teaching him not to make ANY remarks about other people is currently high on the priority list. I actually can’t imagine a scenario in which I would deliberately draw his attention to anyone who might hear what he might come out with.

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 12:43

‘Hey watch out lady, you won’t fit through that door! You’ll crash!

LOL Grin

RavenWings · 01/02/2018 12:43

But the point I'm making here is that he didn't give a toss what other people thought, he just has a voice that carries. But I expect some of you would have called it performance parenting.

No, I would have called him ignorant for not being mindful of other people and lowering his voice.

PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2018 12:44

I think maybe one attempt at involving OP in the discussion might have been acceptable as a way of seeing if she’d join in and begin a beautiful new friendship. But the repeated questions all about OP is utterly rude and bizarre. Cringe.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/02/2018 12:45

Slightly weird to keep making reference to you OP.

halfwitpicker · 01/02/2018 12:47

The woman is mad for sitting a three year old on those goddamn breakfast stools.

He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

^

Very funny op.

MargaretCavendish · 01/02/2018 12:47

You can only demand a certain amount of consideration from those you share a space with though, can't you. A coffee shop is a privately owned space anyway, so they have the final say on what is allowed. And if they don't demand their patrons be unobtrusive I'm afraid anyone who doesn't like it must vote with their feet!

Oh, absolutely - I wasn't arguing for loud talking to be made illegal or anything! Of course those who talk in an annoyingly loud and attention-seeking way are within their rights to do so. However - like lots of people 'technically within their rights' - I also happen to think they're massive twats.

It's also only a tiny minority of people who do this (though they can ruin the experiences of surprisingly large numbers of people!), so I don't think it's asking the world to encourage people to keep their conversations down to a normal level.

halfwitpicker · 01/02/2018 12:49

Is York railway museum worth a visit, BTW?

Sorry for the hijack

blackchina · 01/02/2018 12:50

Bizarre behaviour, especially using a random stranger to focus on. But some people do need people they don't even know, to know they are 'amazing parents.'

I remember being in a major clothing retailer with my daughter once, (waiting to exchange something,) and a woman was at the checkout with her teen son.

Basically, he was going to university, and she was kitting him out with clothes. For 10 full minutes, she banged on and on and on about how 'my son's going to uni next month,' and 'we need lots of clothes for him at UNI, as he won't do his washing, so he will need enough clothes to last til he comes home from UNI at Christmas,' and 'it's a long way to your UNI isn't it Jacob?' and 'we went to ten UNI open days, and Jacob picked blimmin' Bournemouth! So far away, but it's an excellent UNI,' and 'we need some kitchen stuff for UNI too as Jacob will need it,' and 'he is sharing with 4 others in his UNI HALLS, and I wonder what kitchen utensils they will have, you don't want 4 of everything do you Jacob?'

Blah blah blah.

I bet bloody 'Jacob' was glad to go to naffing UNI, and I am not surprised he is going to Bournemouth (300 miles from our town!)

God the woman was annoying. So yeah, it's not just parents of wee kiddies either.

Also, I think it's fine to talk aloud (not too loud!) to your kids, and interact with them, and it's much better than ignoring them and scrolling through the phone etc.... However, it proper irks me when people do as someone said earlier on, and say 'oooh, look, Dubai on the map: WE went there, and 'NEW YORK Connor look! We loved it there didn't we?'

I mean, why do they think random people they don't know, give a fuck about where they have travelled. Weirdos!