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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

261 replies

JustHereForThePooStories · 31/01/2018 21:45

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

OP posts:
MrsFantastic · 01/02/2018 08:38

She shouldn't have used you as a discussion point. That's pretty weird.

I was in the library once and a woman was discussing a book with her 2-3 year old. There was something about roast chicken in the book and the mother said "you like to eat roast chicken, don't you?". The girl said "I like to eat poo."

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/02/2018 08:38

Kerala performance parenting threads always end up in tears on MN.
NO parent is ever loud and annoying as long as they do it in a nice accent and talk about nice things.

Annoying parents only have children called Destanyie-Mai.
Its fine to critique Destanyie-Mai's parent because... concern but don't you DARE take the piss out of someone who know what an olive is.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2018 08:41

No one is saying the mom couldn't talk to her son but making ot so much about the op was rude. My son loudly points at strangers and I desperately scrabble at whatever he is pointing at so I can declare "yes Ds2.8, the lady has a pretty butterfly on her bag / writing in her hat / pretty flowers in her hair" etc. but he's non verbal and has no other way of telling nee he's spotted a butterfly, writing, flowers. I wouldn't dream of asking him to count them or sign the colour of them or carrying aspersions upon their character. I always apologise with a smile and say were going for observant not nosey. I wouldn't specifically point out a person f observation

Deshasafraisy · 01/02/2018 08:43

Performance bad parenting. Teaching LT that is is acceptable to discuss the appearance of a stranger within earshot.
LT is being coached on the express stream to social suicide.

Gladisgood · 01/02/2018 08:45

Performance parenting is when it is said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Otherwise it is just "parenting"

Gladisgood · 01/02/2018 08:48

LT is being coached on the express stream to social suicide

snigger Grin

Dipitydoda · 01/02/2018 08:49

It’s fine-by the time little Timmy gets to school he’ll be so pissed off with interrogation of his grasp of numbers, phonics and colours he’ll refuse to learn.

Roomba · 01/02/2018 08:54

I don't doubt I've been guilty of performance parenting on the odd occasion. But it's generally been to keep DS2 distracted because I can tell he's just itching to get up and run amok, which would generate even more tutting.

Besides, if I have to chat away to him to keep him busy, what the fuck else am I supposed to talk to him about? 1930s economic policy in Venezuela? Women's Renaissance poetry?

berwickswan · 01/02/2018 08:55

I liked the counting game the person upthread wrote, and would loved to have joined in.
.."little Timmy, can you count the number of fingers I'm holding up? One finger...good. Two fingers? Excellent, little Timmy, you're a clever boy!. Now, did you know that this is called sign language, that is, speaking with your fingers? You didn't? Little Timmy, ask your mummy what two fingers mean in sign language.. "

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2018 08:57

what the fuck else am I supposed to talk to him about? I'm sure there's something else other than an obvious conversation about the person next door

NavyGold · 01/02/2018 09:00

Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses

Grin
Tinycitrus · 01/02/2018 09:02

On my train journey the frazzled mother was with two children boy aged around 11 girl aged around 8.

She spent a lot of time loudly testing his arithmetic skills and discussing some sort of computer game he was playing on his iPad and chucking bizarre questions at him.

L“So what’s the difference between infection and disease Timmy?” Etc etc

The little girl drew a picture of Hello Kitty. Mum looked st it and the Mum said: “hmm you could have added more detail.” And then went back to wonder boy.

Me and girl glanced at each other probably thinking same thing: “how do you add more detail to Hello Kitty? Confused

Dozer · 01/02/2018 09:03

Grin “the mother said "you like to eat roast chicken, don't you?". The girl said "I like to eat poo."

RoboticSealpup · 01/02/2018 09:06

I don't really care about people's 'performance parenting', but she was really rude to encourage him to talk about you when you were sitting right there.

blackberryfairy · 01/02/2018 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 01/02/2018 09:09

Loving the bold thing may use that today

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 01/02/2018 09:13

Im not sure it was performance grandparenting

But i was in a book shop a few months ago

And a grandmother was showing grand child an atlas

It was all

'Look this is Australia, granny and grandad have been to Australia we had a lovely time and saw kangaroos...look here is dubai, granny and grandad have been to dubai it was very hot...look here is morocco etc'

It went on for ages

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:15

I talked to my dc when they were small endlessly but not in a very loud look at me aren’t I a wonderful mother kind of way. Quietly talking to your child, being respectful of others and not performance patenting at volume is not hard

RoboticSealpup · 01/02/2018 09:15

BonesyBones

Your DS sounds pretty amazing. Don't worry about performance parenting. I don't think that's the issue here at all. It's the mum encouraging her DS to talk about someone else's appearance right in front of them.

morningtoncrescent62 · 01/02/2018 09:25

Something not dissimilar happened to me on the bus a few weeks ago, OP. I assumed the mother wanted to draw me into her conversation (I live in a friendly city) so I joined in with, 'Are you going somewhere nice today?' to the child. To be fair, I wasn't great with toddlers when mine were that age twenty years ago, and I've got worse since then. So I never sound very natural. The child burst into tears, had to be taken onto his mother's lap and soothed with lots of 'There, there, the nice lady was being friendly, but she doesn't understand we don't talk to strangers do we...'

I was mortified.

StealthPolarBear · 01/02/2018 09:35

Weezol your post has reminded me of my own mother. When I was pregnant with ds and a few days over due she said, sounding a bit emotional/upset on the phone (because I was upset at going overdue) "but you're always so punctual" :o
It sounds madness as I write it down, maybe she meant it as a joke or maybe I dreamed it!

lottiegarbanzo · 01/02/2018 09:38

Yes, as pp, my concern is more to train dd not to make loud personal remarks about other people.

Perhaps this pair hadn't quite progressed to that. For us it was a blink of an eye from colours and 'look, someone else wearing glasses' to 'that lady's very big', 'why is that lady so small?' etc (always the women - it starts early).

BellyBean · 01/02/2018 09:41

Inane chatter = fine
Talking about other people like they can't hear you = NOT fine

schnubbins · 01/02/2018 09:57

Much of the issue here is really about how loud one speaks with a child or how loud one speaks at all.I don't remember my parents hollering explanations at me when I was a child nor do I remember doing it with my own teenagers when they were small, the youngest being a complete divil who also needed a lot of attention.There is such a thing as an 'inside voice'.Children should learn that at a young age for everyones sake.

Emabrmsca · 01/02/2018 10:34

I talk to dd and ask her lots of questions when out and about because she's a bright kid and loves doing it, I have to talk quite loud because she has glue ear and can't hear quiet noises but I'm only ever doing it for my dd not anyone else. And I never bring other people into it.

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