AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

[JustHereForThePooStories]

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

FiveLittlePigs
'Bold faced' used to be an insult used against women who didnt simper and self efface the proper amount.

Is his an Irish post?

Haha, poor woman. Poor you, and poor Timmy.
Must admit I find myself in her mode in cafes. I'd however, not be so bold as to involve you directly in our conversation. Albeit, I'd most likely examine your bag.
In my defence, DD has developmental language delay. I'm desperately trying to help her social skills/vocab/tick the boxes on the bloody speech therapy worksheets that have to be completed. Current target, "Who has no xxx" I'm gonna bite the bullet and ask poor DD, "Who has no sanity?" To which she would get a raptuous round of applauds if she said, "mummy."

Hope you got some peace OP. :)

I am teaching my 3 year old that we wait until we get home to ask questions about other people’s appearances or behaviour with the exception of commenting on people who are doing their job but only briefly eg what the bin men are doing or the nurse doing during our appointment.

Billy you poor thing! Putting anything in my mouth that has already been in my child's mouth is a parenting step too far for me (not envy)

PooStories definitely top class performance parenting.

I'm all for interacting with your children but actually I think this woman was rather rude. You should be able to get a coffee without being scrutinised by other patrons.

She was really foolish too. We all know that kids are liable to say any/everything inappropriate. By questioning LT about you she opened herself to awkwardness and embarrassment and you to potentially being very hurt/upset/offended.

I think I may be a little guilty of being this mum. I do have mega bright and entirely non precocious children tho.

Oh apart from one of my girls, she's totally precocious and a bit thick .

Any alcohol partaken by posters on this thread?, if not you should. Because helicopter parents abound. For onlookers benefit of course!

Believe me, no one cares about how many marshmallows your offspring has ingested etc. No one.

In fact eye rolling is very common in such uninvited circumstances.....

I like the sound of your teal jacket.

On a par with the time I was in a toddler group and a true earth mother unbound the longest piece of fabric from around her body, three small children tumbled out and they all began to eat sushi together, using the said fabric as a tablecloth.

I nearly wept as I couldn't get my child to eat anything at lunch beyond cheese and crackers at the time.

What were Timmy's shoes like? Kids shoes are always way better than boring grown up ones.

Some of us spawned Satan’s offspring, disguised as an innocent toddler with the loudest, piercing voice and near perfect diction who would loudly ask “Mummy, why does this woman have such a big red nose…?” or “Mummy, why does this man look like the neighbour dog…?” (a slobbering English bulldog before you ask) I would try and keep the lil -fecker- sweetheart distracted, in a desperate attempt to pre-emptively avoid such pertinent, shrill queries. The last thing, I’d ever do would be to draw attention to anyone in the vicinity, lest DD would discover some strange features. She was like a bloodhound to discover the slightest oddity. It’s probably Karma for my bitchier youth…

Oh I'm with you, OP - performance parenting is extremely annoying. I mean, I talk to my kids and maybe used to get them to wave at strangers when they were younger but not try and engage them in full blown interactive conversations with them. Nothing worse than trying to have a quiet cuppa and being interrupted constantly!

As an aside, I re-read the OP with an Irish accent...it helps although my fake Irish accent is pretty shit

Belle

Not sure about continued discussion about you that's rude. Otherwise i cant get worked up about what people say to preschoolers.

You would have laughed at the convo between me and ds, just 4, earlier. He recognised a piece on classic fm. He said "I like this" i said "mummy can play this one cant she?" He said "yes" i said " its called "gymnopedie number 1" "can you say gymnopedie? " (He copies) i say "its by erik satie can you say satie ?" Etc etc.

Fortunately we were in the car alone. I wasnt doing it for anyone elses benefit.

I took a panicked call from my lovely friend when her first was little. She'd gone to a baby group in a naice area and had left because of all the yummy mummies 'discussing' how they only cooked for their kids with Evian water, whole wheat organic whatever, unbleached cotton whatnots, baby yoga and cross channel swimming for under fives. They were planning their little darlings university careers (they had all got distinctions on their agpar, obvs).*

She was in floods of tears and thought she was doing it all wrong because of the onslaught. It really hammered her confidence.

I have hated performance parenting ever since.

*Some artistic licence applied. Not much though.

I used to feel irritated by this kind of thing. Then I became a parent and realised that everyone's just trying to do their best at the whole parenting thing.

MN is excellent at saying 'don't judge a moment of someone's life' when someone clocks a mum shouting at a child, or a dad forgetting the baby needs a hat on a cold day or something. Performance parenting threads are always filled with boundless, joyful judging though, equally based on a moment's observation.

My sister was a bit like the woman you mention, OP. She'd had horrendous PND and was really struggling in lots of ways, but she would probably sound an awful lot like the woman in the cafe, as she was trying really, really hard to be a 'really good mummy.'

I've probably seen and heard enough stories about how people try their best, not to judge, is my main point.

Not always easy, I'll grant you .

She clearly wasn’t using her ‘inside voice’. I was always having to tell my toddlers (in cafes) “Use your inside voice!” to keep them screaming the place down and making other people uncomfortable. Now they are teenagers, I still do - at home, because they’re loud. I don’t remember ever making a point of disturbing others in a cafe, although I’m not sure this woman was. She sounds lonely and possibly doesn’t get much adult conversation.

Can't believe that many people telling the OP to be more understanding of that Mum. Lonely, trying to do her best, whatever shite.
She's actively teaching her child that it's normal to talk about others like they're not there. That's bloody rude, people! Children need to learn to respect the private zone of people around them but that Mum was telling him there's none and it's fine to talk about people around him like they can't hear it.

On the last thread like this one I shared a similar story of a performance parent loudly barking theoretical physics at a two-year-old and was told off by posters who claimed that was totally normal behaviour for them and their toddlers. Good luck, OP.

We had a brilliant one - not a mum but a granny and kids all about 7-9 so no excuse of sleep deprivation etc. My dds and I still laugh about it.

We were doing a cringeworthy middle class half term activity of calligraphy at the local cathedral p. My 2 girls and competitive granny and her two.

"Look at those flowers darling. Nearly as nice as the ones in granny's garden, but not quite"
"You've done this before darling haven't you? Because you are at [local private] such marvellous activities "

Dd2 felled her at one swoop. "Mummy I am going to use this pen to do a word in mandarin"

Competitive granny to her god "darling! You do mandarin. Do a word. Do it! You know you can!"

Best of all was the eye rolling exchange oflooks of her mortified granddaughters. This shit can only be done to pre schoolers..

It's the involving other people in conversations that is annoying.
If I'm having a peaceful trip to a coffee shop I want to be left in peace not talked about or dragged into other people's conversations with their toddler. I have a non verbal 10 year old and I don't feel the need to bring others into our goings on. If ds was with me it would even worse because toddlers scare him.

If the mother wanted to start a conversation with the OP, why didn't she talk about the weather or say she loved this particular cafe in an adult voice? It can be done, you know.

I make it a rule if I'm on my own in a cafe never to make eye contact with babies/toddlers or parent if poss. Once you do you're theirs!

The woman was really rude to talk about you like that. The kid sounds sweet. No one cares if someone wants to chatter to their kid, it's when they do it loudly or get a bit personal about other people who want to be left alone, that the world rolls its eyes. Yes, the mother might be sleep deprived, or whatever, but then the other person might be trying to enjoy some rare childfree time for similar reasons.

OP, I get that you meant this in a light-hearted manner. It sounds quite bizarre.

I was told to do exactly what this lady was doing by my daughters speech and language therapist in social situations to help encourage her speech and learning so maybe she wasn't 'high performance parenting' and just being a good parent!

Perhaps she only has that one day a week with child and works the rest so likes to use some of that time to encourage and see how well her child's doing!

Perhaps she was hoping to strike up an adult conversation with you OP she may be feeling lonely etc!

Perhaps she was just doing what a lot of mums do and encouraging her child!

Perhaps her son enjoys little tasks like this to keep him entertained!

It's lose lose a lot of the time in parenting if she'd have sat there on her phone completely ignoring the child another person may have started a thread about her being a "bad mum who doesn't even acknowledge her son" but because she's acknowledging and talking to him and asking questions she's "high performance parenting"

Why can't parents just ever raise their children without judgement (unless for serious issues it's needed!)?