AIBU to think this was high-performance performance parenting?

[JustHereForThePooStories]

I was in a cafe earlier. I was at a table, and a woman and her son (he was about 3) sat on stools at a nearby breakfast bar type set-up, but they were facing me. Nobody else sitting nearby.

Little lad smiled at me, I smiled back. All good.

Then the performance parenting started.

At first, it was generic. “How many marshmallows are in your hot chocolate Little Timmy? 1... 2... 3.... 4!!!!! That’s right! Four! Four marshmallows in Little Timmy’s hot chocolate!”

Next was a loud discussion about the colour of the wall, other colours, the “wuh” sounds at the start of “wall”.

Then the topic turned to me.

“Is the lady who smiled at you a nice lady or a bold lady? That’s right! She was a nice lady because she smiled at you because you have such lovely manners!”

I smiled weakly.

“What’s the nice lady doing, Little Timmy? That’s right!! She’s having a drink and reading a magazine. Do you like magazines? You do! We can get you a Peppa magazine later if you eat all of your hummus”

“What colour is the nice lady’s jacket?”
(He said “gween”, it was actually teal. LT isn’t on the express stream into Oxford)

“Do you like the nice lady’s jacket?” (he did, in fairness)

At this stage, I gave her a bit of a side eye.

“What does the nice lady have on her face?”
(Aside- currently sporting a nice little crop of hormonal acne so I visibly rankled here. Thankfully, for his sake, LT played it safe and went with glasses)

By, I was getting very self-conscious so gave a curt “observant, isn’t he?”.

They continued. My handbag was discussed in comparison to his nursery rucksack- both in assumed contents, and colour.

LT asked why I was in the cafe alone, did I not have any friends? Conversation turned to naming LT’s friends, in no particular order.

At this stage, I decided to finish my coffee and just go. As I was walking past their table, the mother asked LT “where is the lady (note absence of “nice”) going?”

Not sure but I think she heard me muttering “to get some bloody peace” as I walked out.

Im with you too OP .Kids these days can't even look at a worm without getting the life cycle of Dugesia Lugubris shouted at them for all to hear.Love the carry on in supermarkets these days with loud exclamations from dotty parents to their children about zucchini and chickpeas. I also avoid eye contact now because I don't want to be drawn into it all which is sad for the children and also for the mums in the long run.

I’m going with the mum being a bit lonely, bored and desperate for a bit of chat with an adult who appeared to be friendly. She misjudged obviously !

I had no idea bold, (meaning naughty), was an Irish thing though. I thought it was ridiculous that my English Dh didn’t know what it meant! Oops!

This not very nice lady would have got up and moved! I couldn’t stand being the topic of Little Timmy’s lesson for the day. I have no desire to interact with strangers and their children beyond a smile or hello, especially if I’m sitting in a cafe minding my own business!

You are so kind with your "don't judge" - frankly if someone is being a boastful knob it's not British to not have a good laugh at them

God, there really is just no need is there. We don't care about little Timmy really, let us drink our coffee in peace.

The whole how many marshmallows is fine...but constant questions about a stranger is really really uncomfortable and weird. I'm cracking up at the people who think its not. I've stood up for pps before but that's just not ok is it?

PS I'm the bold lady.

@KERALA1 I would have probably sat there thinking why is she bringing me into this conversation so loudly it's rude I'm not debating that but I would have never sat there and judged her parenting skills for it!
When I was doing the speech and language with my daughter and asking very similar questions I would have been mortified to think people were judging my parenting skills for encouraging her! (Anxiety sufferer)

If the other mother was yearning for adult conversation, she had the option of actually engaging in conversation by saying hello. But she didn't - she treated the OP as if she was a useful educational prop.

This would have driven me potty. If I'd been the nice lady, id have been on a rare break from looking after my own baby and toddler. I'd not want to be entertainment for someone else's. Aside from that, commenting on someone's appearance is rude

I am very much enjoying the uber-defensive comments from the fellow performance parents on this thread. No one said this woman was Satan, and certainly no one said she was a bad person. OP posted this in a pretty gentle, light-hearted tone. But she was being bloody irritating - and people can try and pretend this stuff isn't infuriating everyone around them if they want, but it's you who's in denial!

As an LP of a small human I've had those fucking tedious one sided conversations a million times. Otherwise you would literally turn mute with lack of conversational practice.

She must be bored stupid and looking to find ANYTHING as the subject of conversation.

She's me. I'm her.

I think my boastful knob radar is quite well tuned. If a parent is doing high octane performance parenting I will judge, and we will laugh (discreetly). As would all of you.

I was told to do exactly what this lady was doing by my daughters speech and language therapist in social situations to help encourage her speech and learning so maybe she wasn't 'high performance parenting' hmm and just being a good parent!

What, comment on the physical appearance and items of strangers? Sounds like a rude speed and language therapist then. Hope you knew better than to do that.

Parents can still be gobshites, they aren't automatically infallible y'know.

I would have finished my drink and quietly left - it sounds nice to start with and I am friendly and will smile and wave at babies or speak to toddlers if they speak to me first etc etc, but this sound a bit OTT to be honest - i am all for parents speaking to their kids and involving them in whats going on as this is a good thing ( i have done this myself and ds1 was a chatter box ) but trying get other people doing it too or getting them involved too much is a step too far. I have never seen this in action though, maybe i live in a very unfriendly place!

These type of threads really piss me off. My DS2 has autism. He is 3. He can read (yes, properly, not just memorising words) he can write, he can add and subtract and multiply, he was barely even verbal 8 months ago and then all of this came from nowhere.

I never taught him, dp never taught him, he taught himself. It completely blows my mind, as well as nursery staff etc.

As part of having autism he also expects whoever is with him to repeat and confirm EVERYTHING he says, 99% of the time the things he says have no structure or context and consist of things like "Aeroplane mama, how do we spell it?" "what does that say? Let's read it!" etc and then he will go on to spell/read/whatever.

If I don't confirm that everything is right as he goes he repeats it over and over and over until I comply. It may sound wonderful but it's bloody exhausting and certainly not something I chose for him.

I should maybe add that it's one of the only few ways to keep him entertained in a setting such as you describe, pointing out things to read/asking how do we spell xxxx?

On the days I can actually get him out of the house without all hell breaking loose the last thing I need to worry about is whether people like you are judging my "parenting". I parent this way because I have no other choice, not to show off or make DS "perform" or whatever other ridiculous things people may be judging me for.

Seriously, do you not have anything better to do?

I would have found that very embarrassing, OP, and I wouldn't have been bothered whether it was performance parenting or not. I would have moved to another table. That's just plain rude.

I do remember it was very hard to have lunch in a cafe when I had a toddler with me, so I very rarely tried. (Except in a soft play centre.)

little timmy failing to name teal!

Poor woman and OP.

I would’ve probably have started chatting to the mum about any old rubbish to save us all from the awkwardness!

My DD had speech/language problems for several years (much, much better now) and we were indeed encouraged to have lots of dialogue and lots of one to one talking and play, including when out and about but did it in private! I discussed my embarrassment about doing it when out and about with my speech therapist friend who maintained that it was useful for DC and stuff what people thought, but just couldn’t break my fear of random people thinking I was a massive Knob! The playground was good cos DC liked role playing cafes - shudder - years and years of “cafes” with the same over and over again and no actual coffee.

emphasis on turn taking and letting DC speak too. Sounds like this conversation with little timmy was a bit one sided!

disliked being in cafes with either DC because their “conversation” was so limited (other DC is a quiet type) and just wanted to be on my phone

Can’t shut DD with former speech probs up now

Mum2 you were told to keep up an endless stream of questions by a SALT?

Are you sure?

SALT might have said to describe things/talk lots, including when out and about, and also to let DC respond or lead conversations as much as possible. Quite hard to do IME.

Of course little timmy may well have great SAL and the mum was just going crazy with boredom!

Why are people leaping to their own defence? Weird. Talking to your child - normal.

Talking extra loudly to your child (or over involving innocent bystanders) about hilarious middle class things whilst glancing round to see who's watching - performance parenting and worthy of a snigger.

My friend would bark instructions to her toddler in the library in a very loud voice using French phases (she did not speak French) with a broad northern accent. I died a little inside when she did it.

I've had so many tedious conversations on buses and trains with dd that might sound like performance parenting but we're really just a tactic to keep her from running up and down the isles. I try not to involve other people In them though so YWNBU!

You should have said "Little Timmy,what do you think this nice lady wearing a TEAL jacket will do to your mother if she won't stop being rude and doesn't just shut the fuck up and let drink me my coffee and read my magazine in peace? Do you think it'll be a nice thing or a bad thing?I'll give you three guesses Timmy,come on what do you think I'll do?"

Chatting to your child about what they can see out the window on the bus is one thing but talking about a complete stranger as an observation piece is another. It’s just rude.

My difficulty is trying to STOP a 3 year old talking about other people when we are out.
I've never really recovered from the eye level running commentary about the varicose veins of the woman in front of us in the café queue.
"EEEEuuuuww ,look, look, LOOK, that lady has legs with grapes on"

Beam me up Scotty....