Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

YABU

You both need to sit down and talk.

I think that where you have got into a bit of a grumpy rut he is invariably avoiding coming home because its nicer being at work than being at home and the reason its not nicer is because you're exhausted and grumpy that he's not home earlier - vicious circle.

Look into nursery for your DC and maybe 2 days a week promise him that dinner will be ready at a certain time and you expect him home for it. Then sit down as a family.

My DH was a stay at home parent to our two from when eldest was 10 months old and then our 2nd was born when he was 13 months old. I went back to work when youngest was 5 months old. Most days if I was in Office I was home at 6/6.30 and I'd spend time with them before bed. However I was regularly away for 2/3 nights at a time. I appreciate how hard that would be and he appreciated how hard being the sole earner was.

He still kept a tidier house than we have now with both us working and 2 teenagers and he took them to toddler groups and cooked a meal most days.

I'm definitely not saying it's easy but plenty of people men and women do it. I do think your DH needs to step up his game but more in terms of putting your DC to bed rather than cooking his own dinner every day.

Sometimes I would come home utterly exhausted and would feel resentful that bed time had been left for me to do but he wasn't doing it to be lazy, he was giving me valuable time with my children.

Other people manage to have good jobs without doing that, however. Ime it's usually the least competent who work the longest hours, look the most desperate and are the first to be got rid of

This is complete bollocks and the type of thing spouted by people who have no clue of the industries in question. Everyone in my company works unpaid overtime and most of the time there's a correlation between the amount of hours they do and the amount of money they bring in for the company. You can bet your bottom dollar that the highest fee earners are not the 'first to be got rid of'.

I don’t think you have it easy, at all, but if I can’t home at 7 and my husband had been at home for a few hours after taking the baby to groups etc, I would be a bit oissed off to have to start making dinner. I don’t understand why you don’t make dinner x3 when you do it for the 15mo - what’s the difference? I have been a SAHM with x3 kids so I know what it’s like, now I know what it’s like to come home starving after a draining day at work. My feeling is that he should be getting home earlier, you are gone the most so you should be making the dinner. He hasn’t seen the baby all day so he should relax with her for a bit then do bedtime. I think this is more fair, and better for him when it comes to the regular practice of being able to be a competent caregiver. The weekend could be one day to do something as a family, with equal participation, and one day where you take turns to have down time/lie ins. This all seems very one-sided for both parties, and not much mutual care and involvement as a unit.

*home the most, not gone!
Many, many auto errors

Why ever not? It's what working parents do every day

Well, yes. But if one is at home it makes sense for them to knock something up when cooking for the children. OP isn't working, so what other two parent working families have to do is irrelevant to the OP.

It's just basic kindness really. I wouldn't feel very cared for if I came home from work and had to cook for myself, whilst dh has been at home and has cooked for the children anyway.

So yes I expect my husband to cook something for me when I have been working and that is with five children and a very busy household.

I just don't get the angst about being a sahm. I had 3 under 3 and my husband worked long hours and sometimes worked away for a week at a time. Our house was not perfect but nor was it a tip. I had a meal ready most days, but when he was around we were a team. He did once complain about the toys being everywhere one evening and I explained that we had a home with children and not a sterile show house and if he didn't like it he could leave. Still together after 40 years.

I wonder if it is abit PFB in that parent hovers over child "entertaining" all the time or goes out and about most of the time to groups and classes rather than spending abit of time bunging them somewhere you can see them while you make a quick dinner for everyone.

I am a SAHP to a 19mo. It is not easy but I always manage a dinner and to keep the house tidy ish. It is getting harder to clean floors and bathrooms again as lb tears around. But I do think a dinner is easy enough.

Throw ham in slow cooker, microwave some spuds and veg
Do a bolognese from a jar with some frozen peppers and onions. Make enough for two nights.
Batch cook
Chicken and pasta takes 15 minutes

I get shopping delivered and have lots of freezer space which helps to stay on top of things.

YABU. He's been out of the house working, you've been in the house so why don't you cook dinner? And not being funny but you've only got a 15 month old to look after and I agree that can be boring sometimes but it isn't exactly stressful. Would you prefer you oh didn't work at all and you had to swap roles? Then you cook dinner after being in a stressful job for 12 hours? You're lucky to be in the position you're in and have the opportunity to be a Sahm. I get you can get tired but so does everyone. I feel sorry for your oh.

It's not wife's work it's sahp work

I do agree, but the follow up comment about him only supervising the kids and not looking after them when he is home is a bigger issue.

once you reach a certain level you don't wash up your mug, pack up and shoot out of the door at 5pm....And, furthermore, let us not forget the commuters.

So true. I finish work at 5.30. At least, that’s what my contract says. Sometimes I do, but not often. Then it’s 80 minutes to get home. Mr Foo has had dinner with our girl but I generally have a meal waiting when I get home. Even on the days when he’s had to take her to a club or done her physio or been late home himself. It’s about team work and as much as being a SAHM can be exhausting, so can doing a days work out of the home. You don’t get a magical pass just because you are the one looking after the children.

I wonder if it is abit PFB in that parent hovers over child "entertaining" all the time
Even if it is, I still don’t get the “don’t have time” thing. Our girl wasn’t at all mobile or able to do much for herself, even at a year old, so keeping her stimulated was pretty full on. I still managed to keep house and have dinner on the table when I was on mat leave.

The proportion of SAHPs who are men is tiny, so it IS “womens work”.

There are career and financial payoffs to working long hours in paid work, and the opposite in SAH.

I think it’s really sad that he doesn’t WANT to come home to see his DS before he goes to bed. I would be gutted if my DH acted like this around his DC.

ahhh i would love that. But he does has a different idea of 'parenting' and 'supervision'. In his world, minding a child at home involves him watching tv and less watching the kid which i find worrying :/ LO has had a couple of fun incidents in the bathroom on his watch. I'd be very reluctant to leave LO with him for that long ....
This really isn’t normal. I find it really strange that he can’t supervise his own child properly to the point you would be reluctant of leaving your DS with his dad.

Do you think he maybe doesn’t parent properly so you would never leave DS with him?

In terms of toys, etc, could you try tidying up before you take DS up for his bath/bed. That way you come down to a nice tidy living room. I know the feeling of coming downstairs to a mess-it’s horrible feeling like you’ve got to start tidying up after you’ve put them to bed. Get DS to ‘help’ you tidy, can be a good habit to get him into.

Dinner-can you eat with DS, make enough for everyone then DH can heat his up. I wouldn’t want to be cooking twice really.

Wow. Sorry i wasn't responding to the messages. Only managed to get on here now (LO had an clinic appt today and we were away all day).

I don't know where to start. I think i'm astonished at the difference in expectations of what a SAHM is supposed to do.

Yes i had a bad day yesterday and yes i was exhausted. So we were snappy at each other. It doesn't happen often. Also he does get his proper dinner at least 3-4 nights a week so i'm not such a crap wife as it's made out to be But cleaning wise, yes i must admit the house isn't sparkling clean...

The reason why I didn't do slow cooked dinner and frozen ready meals before are because i personally don't like it, it's just personal preference.. On reflection, i think i was trying to do too much (cooking wise) so sometimes i forget DH can just be happy with pasta and jar bolognaise or frozen pizzas or pies ...

I think my focus is more on how he always comes home at bedtimes or just past it. Say this evening for example, by the time he came home, baby was in bed, floor was cleared, dinner was ready. He's now watching football on the couch. Meanwhile i was cleaning the kitchen just before i got on this.

It's saddened me because although he said he was upset that he missed her bedtime again (how conveniently by 5 minutes), he didn't seem try to make an effort for it. Esp we just had a chat last night before bed, and he said he'd try to come home by 6/6:30pm 3 times a week. He admitted that he wasn't trying hard enough to be home earlier. Clearly it's gong out of the window now.

OH btw, he told me that he was neither stressed at all with work nor under pressure to perform. So for those who were concerned him being the sole income earner being stressed out - well he wasn't. Which comes back to my point then why it's so hard for him to leave earlier?

It's saddened me because we were relocated here so that he could have a good (better) job and i had to give up my career and a promotion so that ALL of us would have a better work/life balance. DUH.

For those who think IBU - fair enough. We just have different expectations. I do acknowledge that he works hard. But so do i. Some nights I'd be up 4-5 times and have broken sleep but he wouldn't even stir. On a day when i'm specially tired, i would really appreciate a helping hand. Or maybe i don't deserve a hand because as you said i stay at home all day and I should manage.

For those who have more empathy for me, and those who have given good advices and one who had a joke about the mum wasn't working that day, i had a giggle. Thank you all very much. I've enjoyed reading your msgs and will take some of your tips on board.

I really think there needs to be better communication between us. Haven't really thought about how to go about it. Will think about it tomorrow. I'm off to bed with my vino now.

ps I won't be responding anymore but will be following until this quiets down...

If he misses bedtime by a similar amount of time often, could you try putting bedtime back by ten minutes/half an hour etc so he is lucky enough to be home in time...
Doing bathtime is a traditional “daddy” job in many families, he could be back have a nice time watching playing in the bath while you stuck his dinner on/put toys away/downed a bottle of wine, and then he could eat while you put the child down (if it needs to be you) and then have some adult time together to chat. In fact you could just leave it so bathtime is whenever he gets in!

I feel for you OP. Because even if house was tidy/food on table/all chores done, the most important responsibility hasn't materialised - him having time with his dc.
You can get a cheap as pie cleaner in, cook a meal earlier in the day, have everything perfect like a 50s housewife but that doesn't change the fact that he's missing out on time with the dc.
I think ultimately he needs to realise how much he will regret not having that time with kids in future. Kids grow up fast. There's only a small window where u can have a laugh with them while they bathe, or read them a bedtime story. These are the best times. Then they'll turn into stroppy teens before you know it lol.
That I think is the crux of the problem. Tell him you need him to be an active part of the dc's lives. You could whip up a meal, do a quick tidy or even just relax and have time to yourself while he does the evening feed, bath and bed routine.
This is a marriage. It is also a family. You need to have this conversation for the sake of having a healthy family environment for the kids. Otherwise you'll both be overworked and exhausted and blaming each other for being unhappy sooner or later.

Plenty of men stay at work because they can’t be arsed doing domestic work or parenting. It’s crappy.

If you regret the decision to quit your job and relocate, due to his behaviour, you have the options, eg seek a new job or move again.

Plenty of men stay at work because they can’t be arsed doing domestic work or parenting. It’s crappy

Plenty of women stay at home because they can't be arsed working, many of them don't do much domestic work either. Swings both ways.

I don’t know any SAHMs - or WoHMs - who don’t do a LOT of domestic work and parenting. Some may have a cleaner, but that still leaves a lot.

**sorry op but l don't think you are being fair, you are home looking after a child, he is at work .....fair division of labour.

When he comes home you expect to put your feet up and leave him to cook and tidy? That should be shared equally.**

^Completely agree. He works so you can be a stay at home mum. I would be annoyed coming home from 12 hours work to find the house a mess and no dinner if my partner was a stay at home mum.