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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry at DH who works long hours...

198 replies

umck2014 · 30/01/2018 21:43

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 31/01/2018 07:41

Not sure about most of your little ones, but my son dropped his names at a year old. It use to drive me crazy when people use to say do things when he sleep or I do mine when mine naps. Does your son nap OP?

Raindancer411 · 31/01/2018 07:42

Naps not names, silly fone!!

AnnieLobeseder · 31/01/2018 07:43

When our two were little it went without saying that the person coming home from work got straight on with helping out with household chores, cooking and the bedtime routine - both of is put in the same amount of time and effort and we both stopped to relax and watch TV at the same time when the jobs were done. The OP's DH might have worked a long day, but so has the OP and she's still working when her DH gets home.

How DARE he call you lazy when he's sitting on his arse watching you work.

Layla8 · 31/01/2018 07:44

I think YABU . The guy is entitled to come home to a hot meal and a tidy house. I would be extremely pissed off in his position. Fair division of labour FFS ! Or, how about caring for your DH , and wanting him to look forward to coming home ? Are you seriously saying that looking after one ( or many ) children prevents you from tidying and cooking ! Grow up.

Jammycustard · 31/01/2018 07:44

My DH is back for bedtime (which he does) everyday, unless he’s working/going for a drink. He has said to me there are men there who stay later than needed in order to miss bedtime and think he’s odd to want to do it. I have two Pre-schoolers and I’m pregnant so appreciate this as do my children who want to see their father. Whilst he puts them to bed I get dinner on the go. I appreciate not everyone can be back in time, but he could speak to his boss about a couple of days a week?

Tempjob · 31/01/2018 07:44

If you have no money pressure I would get a Childminder so you get a break eg once a week. Me and hubby have a date night each month, it is wonderful. It is essential to look after your relationship and yourself when you have a child xx

obviouslymarvellous · 31/01/2018 07:46

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick radio, very bad night with one of dcs. WinkI am still Confused at the op though. My dh doesn't expect a meal when he gets home from travels etc it's just what I do. He does help out when here though. I clean the house and keep things organised well because that's what works for us best, I have to live in a managed environment for one of my dcs. Perhaps because of that it's made me run the house the way I do...

RadioGaGoo · 31/01/2018 07:47

Tempjob. That is great advice. If the relationship is looked after and both parents know each others aims and expectations, a lot of this sniping at each other can be avoided.

HighwayDragon1 · 31/01/2018 07:47

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Grin (taken from Kellymom)

LizardMonitor · 31/01/2018 07:48

You could get help, and nothing wrong with that.
But that doesn’t address what is going on.
He has been staying in the office to avoid bedtimes (so many men do this) and has an underlying resentment that you are ‘lazy’, and probably, somewhere in his psyche, has a vision of him out earning the money while you run the perfect household and do greet him with dinner and domestic bliss.

I would go for a walk together at the weekend, toddler in buggy. While walking, side by side, ask what his idea of parenthood was before you had a child, and how it differs . Tell him your answer to the same question. Ask him how he feels about work while you are at home. Tell him how you feel.

Do this, because unless you clear this up and recalibrate your team work, he will just view expenditure on childcare as a way to enable you to be a better housewife to him....
Betcha.

He isn’t the first DH to behave like this, and he won’t be the last. Unconscious Bias. The message about ‘a woman’s role ‘ sinks in early, and deep, whatever their stated politics.

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 07:48

Women bashing other women on Mumsnet whilst the men are at the office doing Oh Such Demanding and Important Work

I'll have you know I'm doing my bashing from the office thanks. DH is at home with the kids.

AnnieLobeseder · 31/01/2018 07:52

When I was a SAHM and had days when I didn't manage to get dinner made or the house tidied and apologised to DH, he was always shocked I felt the need to do so. In his mind, my job was looking after the children, not being a maid to him. If I could get cooking and cleaning done, it was a nice bonus but he certainly had no expectations that I should get that done.

Have you any thoughts about going back to work, OP? If you husband is an arse with no appreciation of the work you are putting in to raising his child, then just do what you want to do. Are you happy at home? I know I hated it.

Jaynesworld · 31/01/2018 07:55

So because i cook one meal for all the family, tidy toys up as me and my lo go. I dont prioritise spending time with my children? How fucking dare you!

Wide0penSpace · 31/01/2018 08:01

My ex used to work very late when our son was young. When we split up he admitted he was avoiding coming home as he couldn’t be bothered to help with the evening dinner/Bath/bed routine.

A grown man who eats a packet of crisps for dinner and complains about it is ridiculous.

RadioGaGoo · 31/01/2018 08:01

Yes. I expect you to get offended at that.

Your priority is to balance time with your DC and housework. The OP has decided to prioritise DC. Doesn't make either of you a better parent, just that you have different ideas on being a SAHP.

RadioGaGoo · 31/01/2018 08:03

In my opinion anyway I should say.

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 08:03

A grown man who eats a packet of crisps for dinner and complains about it is ridiculous.

The OP complained about the crisps, not the DH.

Jaynesworld · 31/01/2018 08:05

I do these small jobs and make it easier for me because i prioritise spending time with my children. I also appreciate the hard work my dh does, so he has a cooked dinner when he gets home (which he microwaves) and a fairly tidy house. He also appreciates the hard work i do and doesnt moan that he hasnt got an immaculate home and an a la carte menu.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 31/01/2018 08:05

The guy is entitled to come home to a hot meal and a tidy house

ROFL - tell you what, if he keeps on like he is, and they split, he can see if he still comes home to a hot meal and a tidy house.....

DP comes in and puts the kids to bed, while I do a quick scoot round tidying/start re-heating/making dinner, he comes and helps with that when the kids are done, then we both sit down and eat and watch TV. That's fair and reasonable.

MistressDeeCee · 31/01/2018 08:05

OH was the SAHD when DCs were little. It's a bloody hard job raising DCs, being alert all day etc. He'd normally have a meal waiting when I got in. But if it was a busy day of being out & about with the DCs+ housework etc, then he wouldn't. Didn't bother me, I could always improvise. I knew he was knackered.

He didn't become my servant just because we'd had DCs. I can clear up after myself. Cook, too. I can't imagine thinking because I'd been at work all day, I should always come home to a pristine house and be able to sit about all evening in a child-free zone.

Partnerships should be equal. Anyone who thinks they're the more important because they're in an office all day, or thinks avoiding their child is fine and work is a good excuse for that, has totally lost life's plot.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 31/01/2018 08:06

The OP complained about the crisps, not the DH.

Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after

He complains. OP was repeating his opinion of unhealthy snacking.

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 08:13

complains feeling crap after

I eat McDonalds for lunch some day and complain about feeling crap to DH. It's a general observance of my feeling of crapness from crap food, not a slight at him.

The OP bitched at him because he didn't make himself dinner and ate crisp's instead. When I go home and DH hasn't had time to make dinner than I also generally eat something crap, because there's no point in making a whole dinner just for me. I'm fine with that, I understand that being home with the kids is demanding. IF he snapped at me for eating said crap, you'd better believe I wouldn't be polite back. I'd tell him to quit nagging me or cook dinner because I'm tired when I get home too. Tired goes both ways.

Goodfood1 · 31/01/2018 08:16

Whatever you cook for yourself can't you just make more so he can warm it up?
It sounds to me like he is exhausted too.
What about he comes home 15-30 minutes early a couple of nights and he bath baby while you prepare a meal for both of you?

bakedappleflavour · 31/01/2018 08:18

I see this thread has brought the handmaidens out in full force.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 31/01/2018 08:18

I eat McDonalds for lunch some day and complain about feeling crap to DH

IF he snapped at me for eating said crap, you'd better believe I wouldn't be polite back

If DP repeatedly chose to eat rubbish, then complained to me about eating rubbish making him feeling crap, frankly that would get old pretty damn quick, and I would tell him that I didn't want to hear it, that he was perfectly capable of making his own lunch rather than whinge about things entirely of his own making.

But perhaps I have limited tolerance for grown adults acting like my 4 year old complaining because eating all his sweets at once gave him a tummy ache.