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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at DH who works long hours...

198 replies

umck2014 · 30/01/2018 21:43

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 31/01/2018 09:13

I don't think people are ignoring that people who are not SAHP get tired, but SAHP also get tired. So yes. Compromise.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/01/2018 09:18

I think you are both unreasonable tbh and you need to talk to each other.

His job may not be stressful but being the only wage earner is. he probably also has unrealistic expectations about how much should be done by a stay at home parent who is essentially there to take care of the child/children, not do all domestic work too.

Having said that, is it just a few toys lying about that would take a few minutes to clear up or is the house generally messy/dirty? I know not every day is the same, but if you are at home full time with one child, you should be able to do the vast majority of housework as you go.

Sooo, I think he should make the effort to come home earlier 2 or 3 nights a week while he can and do the bed routine and you could use that time to do a quick clear up and make dinner for you both. On the other 2 or 3 nights, he should make dinner for you both when he gets in if toddler already in bed.

Weekends you should probably be eating as a family as much as possible, taking turns to cook.

If you had more time together to relax you'd probably get on better. It's also easier to relax if the room is tidy.

He could maybe tackle some of the bigger domestic chores at the weekend/be responsible for toddler so that you can get out and do something else for a bit.

I can see how you would get ground down being at home with no support and it's easy for the time to drift without achieving anything. I think when you work ooth then you cram more into the hours you are at home as the routine needs to be tighter.

KERALA1 · 31/01/2018 09:38

When I worked longer hours than dh he cooked. If I am at home I do. Agree with ladyincement (as usual).

Dh walks through door at 7.30 / 8 I wfh so no commute etc will have made dinner for all. He cooks at weekends as I get bored of it.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 31/01/2018 10:11

And I disagree re: the sexism, this thread is one of the most sexist things I have read in a long long time

IN what sense? Because there are some absolute corkers on MN, and this isn't one of them, in my view.

THis isn't about 'wife-work' it's about the PERSON who is working for the home doing a few minimal jobs that keep things ticking over to support the family dynamic while the PERSON who is working outside of the home is not able to do them.

It's not about 'helping the OP do more wife-work.' It's still okay for women to do things like cook and tidy up for a few minutes, if it helps to support the family unit and there's a fair division of labor. You can be a feminist hell bent on equality (I am) and STILL chuck stuff into a slow cooker.

The DH isn't out playing golf - he's working. If it was a woman out working for 13 hours per day, posters would NOT be leaping to the conclusion that she was buggering around until late to avoid going home and that she should 'batch cook at the weekend.'

Once the working-out-the-home-parent is home, yes, share chores, of course. I don't see anyone suggesting otherwise.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 31/01/2018 10:12

working in the home not for the home!

happymummy12345 · 31/01/2018 10:21

At risk of sounding harsh, my dh sometimes has to leave between 7-7.30 am, and doesn't get back until 12am. It's not always quite that long, most days he has to leave at 10am, and gets home around 11pm. That's 5 days out of 7, he has 2 days off a week.
I do the childcare when he's at work. He isn't here to help out. He mostly eats at work, simply because he doesn't want to eat dinner so late at night.
But I do think you should be getting the homework and toys tidied up yourself.

RadioGaGoo · 31/01/2018 10:44

I read a thread once where a partner was working from home and the OP was complaining that the partner didn't make dinner or stick some washing on whilst there.

That OP was slapped back by MN's saying that the partner was working and that any breaks the partner had whilst working should not be used on housework.

So is it therefore generally agreed that work is more stressful than being a SAHP, or is it equal or the reverse?

Dazedandconfuzzled · 31/01/2018 10:54

I still don't understand why the OP can't make food for all of them and leave her dh's to be reheated. No one is saying the dh shouldn't do anything at all but surely it is more logical to cook one meal and leave his to be reheated than having silly arguments over it. I think her dh should try to get home earlier a couple of nights but this might not always be possible, my dh doesn't finish work till half 6 so is never home before 7. If he is good at the weekends then if he just agreed to help tidy a few toys away after he has had a cuppa etc then I really dont see how he's been unfair.
She is home all day, I can't see how she can't find time to cook 1 meal for all and do some housework. I'm a sahm my husband does the washing up and does his fair share of childcare when he is home. He will put a load of washing on etc but ultimately I am home all day and doing 5 minute jobs here and there make everyone's lives run smoother.

Sallystyle · 31/01/2018 10:59

I still don't understand why the OP can't make food for all of them and leave her dh's to be reheated. No one is saying the dh shouldn't do anything at all but surely it is more logical to cook one meal and leave his to be reheated than having silly arguments over it. I think her dh should try to get home earlier a couple of nights but this might not always be possible,

The simplest solution. But then MN wouldn't be able to cry wife work. Wife work is indeed a problem but I am not seeing it here or that it is her husband's attitude.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/01/2018 11:01

I read a thread once where a partner was working from home and the OP was complaining that the partner didn't make dinner or stick some washing on whilst there.

That OP was slapped back by MN's saying that the partner was working and that any breaks the partner had whilst working should not be used on housework.

I guess the difference is about who is the boss? If the person working at home is an employed then he or she is being paid to work. If they are self employed then there is a balance that needs to be chosen about where their time is spent most effectively. If you are a SAHP to one child then I'd struggle to think that on most days you couldn't keep up with general housework and cooking. Yes, here will be bad days when you maybe have an unwell, clingy grumpy child that means that they are your priority.

Having said that there is a big difference between shoving a washing in the machine and cooking a roast dinner. I'd deem shoving a washing in an acceptable task to do while WAH as it's really taking you no longer than a quick chat with a colleague at the coffee machine queue.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 31/01/2018 11:01

The DH isn't out playing golf - he's working. If it was a woman out working for 13 hours per day, posters would NOT be leaping to the conclusion that she was buggering around until late to avoid going home and that she should 'batch cook at the weekend.'

He is spending much longer than his contracted hours at work every day, he may as well be playing golf. Point me in a direction of a thread where a woman is unable to contribute to the house because she does unpaid overtime every day and as a result is out for 13 hours every day. He is not working a 12 hour shift, that would be different and he would only work 3-4 a week and could catch up/ support outside. It would also be different if it was occasional for deadlines etc but every day... oh do behave.

I have never, ever seen a thread to that effect about a woman but men are always too busy to help with drop off/ pull their weight when dc are ill etc etc etc.

newyearsameme80 · 31/01/2018 11:05

12 hour shift
He’s not done a 12 hour shift though has he, OP said he was last to leave - he is staying on later than he has to, it’s not a clocking on/off job. If he is choosing not to come home a bit earlier without good reason (I could find something to do at work every night of the week if I didn’t put seeing the dcs first) then that makes a difference.

Also, the tidy house - when at home with dcs I could tidy up several times a day - dh would always come in during one of the newly-destroyed times. Unless we’re supposed to put the toys away in boxes and tell them they can’t touch after a certain time (I saw a childminder do this once and wasn’t impressed - from 4pm on they could watch TV in a tidy room and that was it).

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 11:06

Point me in a direction of a thread where a woman is unable to contribute to the house because she does unpaid overtime every day and as a result is out for 13 hours every day.

Might not be any threads, but I know plenty of women who do. Myself included at times.

And again, the OP never said he wasn't pulling his weight around the house, she said he doesn't make HIMSELF decent dinners. That's on him, not her, but she doesn't have to bitch at him about it.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 31/01/2018 11:07

myself included at times

So not every day then? Wink

Dazedandconfuzzled · 31/01/2018 11:08

Tidy up before bath and bed with the dc. The OP only has one 15 month old, she could get him involved in putting the toys in a box between tea time and bath time. He's not gonna play with them after his bath as he's going to bed. A lot of this is mountain out of a molehill. A bit of organisation, routine and compromise and this could all be avoided.

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 11:10

So not every day then?

No, but often for months at a time, depending on the project/whats happening. And if I'm going for a promotion, I'm often the first in/last out even though I don't have more work to do (which is when Mumsnet comes in handy).

Shimmershimmerandshine · 31/01/2018 11:12

Tbh if I was the op I'd get a job, then he'd have to do half and would no longer be the style provider. But then I couldn't have been a sahm so I come at it from a different angle, of someone who has a good job and does their share in the house.

Winteriscoming18 · 31/01/2018 11:14

I also think your being unfair I have 3 dc ones under 2 and 2 at school. I wouldn’t expect dh to come home after along day and start cooking. Slow cooker is definitely your friend. Plenty of recipes to look up.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 31/01/2018 11:14

Well good luck to you crazyhouse. Other people manage to have good jobs without doing that, however. Ime it's usually the least competent who work the longest hours, look the most desperate and are the first to be got rid of...

Shimmershimmerandshine · 31/01/2018 11:18

I wouldn’t expect dh to come home after along day and start cooking.

Why ever not? It's what working parents do every day Hmm

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 11:19

Well good luck to you crazyhouse. Other people manage to have good jobs without doing that, however. Ime it's usually the least competent who work the longest hours, look the most desperate and are the first to be got rid of...

Hmm
g1itterati · 31/01/2018 11:23

OP - none of this needs to be a drama and it can all be sorted easily.

You sound in a rut with your toddler tbh. When you're doing the same relentless thing, day in day out, it's easy to feel resentful.

You don't say what kind of work your DH does so nobody can really comment on that. Don't get into the - "I'm more tired than you" competition because it's a downward spiral.

He won't get how tired you are because he is not a mum at home all day with a toddler.

At the same time, I think you need to galvanise yourself to take a step out of your box and take some action. Sometimes, a little goes a long way. Of course you can have dinner ready for your DH with minimal fuss - just do things like a tuna stir- fry, etc. No more than 10 mins! I found the hardest thing was actually getting round the supermarket with DC that age. The actual cooking was the easy part! Also, one toddler can not make that much mess really. You'll feel better yourself if you can have a reasonably tidy house by the evenings.

If you have dinner ready for your DH, he'll be more willing to take the pressure off you in other ways. You'll both feel less resentful of each other. He will want to get home asap and no need for the "woe is me with the crisps" act.

OP I had 4 DC with 2 year gaps between them. My DH never came in before 7pm and usually worked in the evenings as well. I'm not saying it's easy, but try and look at the glass half full rather than half empty - e.g. at least you don't have to go to work, your child is healthy, etc. Don't get swamped. Get some rest this weekend and then try and firm up your routine next week.

newyearsameme80 · 31/01/2018 11:24

then he'd have to do half
Rofl
He would still be the one working the looong hours so OP would still end up doing lion’s share.

newmumwithquestions · 31/01/2018 11:25

Personally I think SAHP is worse.

It sounds like OPs OH is doing less than he’d do if he was living alone with no children and that’s very wrong in my mind.

I usually have a meal ready or semi prepped by the time OH gets in from work. I do his washing. I do more tidying. But I also expect OH to work with me to do whatever isn’t done. Neither of us usually sits down until we’ve both finished.
The OPs DH is sitting on the sofa whilst she runs around. How can that ever be right???
(Disclaimer : for a special occasion like a party I’m the mug setting my alarm for 5:30 to do everything whilst he sleeps in. I don’t like it but if it was up to him our DC wouldn’t have holidays or birthdays!)

LadyinCement · 31/01/2018 11:27

People on here often talk about "shifts" and "line managers" and "contracted hours" but not all jobs are like that - once you reach a certain level you don't wash up your mug, pack up and shoot out of the door at 5pm. Never mind the level - many jobs have extended or odd hours.

And, furthermore, let us not forget the commuters. I am forever mindful of the fact that poor old dh slogs two hours each way to work and back which I couldn't bear. When he's been squashed on a crowded train and flops in the door at 7.30 or 8, it would be a strange old person who having had the whole day at home tells him to make his own dinner.

Being a SAHM with a toddler is often boring. Boring with a capital B. And housework is Groundhog Day. But.... if someone says "I don't have time to...." then that is just not true.