Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

I mean this is kindly as possible OP but what are you doing for the 12-13 hours he is out if you are not cooking or tidying up?

Do you really never leave the side of the 15 month old for even a moment? Does tending to child plus maybe some washing and ironing and household admin fill all that time?

I'm not suggesting he sits on his arse and does nothing to contribute to parenting or domestic chores (he absolutely should) but you should also be contributing 12-13 hours of domestic/family/childcare associated work (with breaks of course as he would have), in fairness to him.

I've been a SAHM, a FT WOHM and PT WOHM. I know what it's like to have 2 under 3, I know how grindingly dull being at home is. But you can accomplish an awful lot in 12-13 hours, even taking time out for catching up on broken sleep and seeing friends.

My husband works long hours, I'm a SAHM. He works hard out of the Home, I work hard in the Home. I meal plan and make sure I include some easy cheat meals, either things that can go in the slow cooker whilst children are occupied or things that go in the oven like some pie and veg, or I could ask DH to pick up fish and chips on the way home. DH tends to cook at the weekend. He never comments on the state of the house, I tend to tidy at about 9pm after a veg in front of the telly. I think you are being a bit unreasonable expecting him to be full of beans after a 12 hour working day and he is being unreasonable criticising you after you've worked a full day child rearing.

Have you asked him about the long hours? I'm more worried about the lack of communication between the two of you.

Are you over doing it on the activities? I think it is the one at homes job to do tea male or female.

Jeez what an utterly depressing thread.

I do not know a single woman who is incapable of contributing to the household because she works long hours. Women at work have to get their arses in gear and complete their work on time so that they can leave. Men on the other hand fanny around on their 'ultra importance' ensuring they are out of the house when stuff needs doing while women cluck around them.

Yanbu at all OP.

The OP isn't saying she doesn't have time to do any household tasks during the day, she is saying that at the end of the day she will often not have had time to make her husband dinner and tidy up the toys. In my experience of being at home with a 15 month old I will have been on the go all day looking after them in combination with preparing food, clearing up food prep (from breakfast, lunch and snacks), sorting washing out. I didn't get the chance to do much cleaning beyond the kitchen and tidying up toys. And yes we would go out every day for my sanity but I was still 'on duty'. I was even 'on duty' when my daughter napped in a way I wouldn't ever be at work in my lunchbreak or toilet breaks. Well done to those domestic goddesses who manage to do every single household task so their OH doesn;t have to, because he 'works hard'. Well staying at home with a toddler and doing most domestic tasks is still hard, and yes, my OH would come home to a house that looked untidy and to dinner not cooked most days, because both myself and 15 month old could have had enough by then and be in need of a rest. He would do bedtime, I would then crack on with the dinner or whatever domestic tasks needed doing, in glorious peace.

OP, I'm with you on this one. When he comes home and you are doing bedtime he should get dinner started if you haven't had the chance. Helping himself to crisps instead is pathetic, it takes 5 minutes to do beans on toast and that is what my husband will do if he's knackered and we need a meal. I read something on here once about you both being entitled to equal amounts of downtime, and it stuck. Evening leisure time for both of you starts when the domestic tasks have been completed. You have been working hard all day too. I'd be putting my foot down too about the working hours and say he must be home at least every other night in time to do bedtime. You can then crack on with the dinner or go out to do something for yourself. I'd also pointedly get him some books about managing his time better. Can you talk to him about all this and explain that it wasn't what you signed up for?

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable.

When I work and my five children are off school for half term, I would be really annoyed at coming home to nothing to eat. I would never expect a show home or a three course meal, but if dh is at home all day and I have been working then I see no reason why he can't cook the evening meal.

So for me there is no sexism involved. If dh is at home all day and i'm not it just make sense for him to cook.

Your husband should be coming home earlier more often. I don't know whether he is avoiding coming home or not, no one here does. If he is then of course that is a huge problem. There is no reason why he can't pull his weight when he is at home either.

You are both tired and grumpy and it seems like you might be putting too much pressure on yourself to fill up your child's day. If it's exhausting you so much because you have a day full of activities then maybe you are doing too many.

Calling him lazy after a 12 hour shift was never going to go down well. It doesn't sound like he was complaining. You called him lazy for what he was eating.

You both need to talk and I am sure you will both come up with a solution.

U2 she is putting the baby to bed while her lazy arse of a husband eats crisps. How is she meant to do that and cook dinner at the same time? Where is the logic in the person putting baby to bed makes dinner at the same time?

I think YABU . The guy is entitled to come home to a hot meal and a tidy house. I would be extremely pissed off in his position. Fair division of labour FFS ! Or, how about caring for your DH , and wanting him to look forward to coming home ? Are you seriously saying that looking after one ( or many ) children prevents you from tidying and cooking ! Grow up.

Wow. And though this does seem like an extreme quotation, it's really the sentiment that's underlying lots of the responses here. I feel like we've been transported back to the 1950s here, or, yes - Gilead.

Life with young kids is a compromise, isn't it? And a slog for everybody. And really, it's only for a few years, when they are very small. So the evening chores need to be shared. At our house (I'm not a SAHP, but I am home earlier than DH - who also comes home at 7pm), we share the evening routine, though in practice I do more than he does. Whoever is not doing bed/bath with our 2 year old (him, 4-5 evenings a week) does the evening meal. That might be cooking from scratch, or it might be taking something out of the freezer. It might even be ordering takeaway, whatever. While one person is finishing dinner, the other tidies the toys away. This was also the case when I was on maternity leave, by the way, though I did try to do some cooking during the day so the evening meal would be a simple reheat job, although I didn't always manage it if we'd had busy or a bad day.

I must say, I admire all of you who are able to manage looking after a kid for the whole day and also do all the domestic chores and get a hot meal on the table for 7pm. I still find it hard to do that, as my daughter doesn't really fall in with the whole 'amuse yourself for a while now' thing. I guess I'm just a crap housewife.

And I disagree re: the sexism, this thread is one of the most sexist things I have read in a long long time.

He's lorking long hours because he doesn't want to come home. Many men do this - skive at work in the hope that the kids will be in bed by the time they get back.

Have a weekend day each. Disappear for 13 hours and leave him to it.

And yes how on earth do single men who work 'long hours' cope when they come home and there's no one to cook dinner for them or do their laundry? The poor lambs. Maybe their mothers do it for them. Somehow the onset of parenthood renders men incapable of doing any household task after work because there's a now a woman at home to do everything for them.

I should add, that of course there are times where dh has been super busy and has been unable to cook and I would never moan about that.

It would only become a problem if it was a regular thing and he moaned at me for being lazy and what I chose to eat.

Jeez what an utterly depressing thread.

Isn't it just.

Well quite U2 like when he was putting the baby to bed which is the context of this thread...!

This is the exact same argument me and the DH had yesterday evening, although I'd made his dinner. He told me I was becoming lazy for not washing the floor, putting the clothes away. I stayed up till 1 tidying on top of completing an assignment I had to do yesterday evening after putting the baby to bed and eating dinner. I don't have much advise apart from hang on in there, they don't understand.

And I disagree re: the sexism, this thread is one of the most sexist things I have read in a long long time.

Some replies are, certainly.

But not from my end. It just makes sense for the person who is at home who is cooking for the children to make more for the adults. I don't see it as wife work as I do expect this from my husband the majority of the time.

He clearly needs to do more when he gets home and stop coming home so late. That is an issue that needs addressing. A bit of compromise on both sides can solve this.

If it is an issue for him then he can certainly batch cook but it doesn't seem like it is. He only mentioned it when OP called him lazy and moaned about what he was eating. I would be pissed off if my dh called me lazy for eating crisps.

*When I work and my five children are off school for half term, I would be really annoyed at coming home to nothing to eat. I would never expect a show home or a three course meal, but if dh is at home all day and I have been working then I see no reason why he can't cook the evening meal.

So for me there is no sexism involved. If dh is at home all day and i'm not it just make sense for him to cook.*

Exactly. Especially if he's cooking food for himself. Why not just make enough for two??

I think you both need to be more empathetic to each other.

Lots of jobs require long working hours and the pressure of being the only wage earner is significant (I know, I've been there). It's not at all reasonable to assume he's working late because he doesn't want to come home. While that may be the case, equally he might feel he has to.

Whoops, sent too soon.

Equally he shouldn't expect you to do everything in the house and cater to his every need. You have a very young child and it's full on at that age.

I think you need to sit down and talk about your roles and what's expected. And he shouldn't get a free pass on the housework/childcare because he's working.

This is not about man v woman or SAHM v working man.

It is about someone at home whilst the other person is out of the house . PERSON!!!!

If dh were at home with a toddler I tell you I'd be mighty cheesed off if I came home after 12/13 hours and found that he couldn't even have pinged a ready meal for me and then expected me to start doing the housework.

It's like all those threads purporting to be feminist where someone refuses to wash their dh's pants. FGS. It's not making a stand for women, it's being belligerent and downright unkind.

The context of the thread is this

DH came home and ate a bag of crisps
OP called him lazy

When I was a SAHM (I was for 16 years) I would cook when I could and it would be warmed up later. Sometimes it wouldn't happen at all and that is fine, but I wouldn't then moan if my ex husband decided to eat a bag of crisps.

There is room for compromise on both sides. Her husband certainly needs to come home earlier and help tidy when he is at home. There is no reason why OP can't cook extra when she is cooking for her toddler and then it can be warmed up later, seeing as she has a problem with what he decided to eat.

It's a fixable situation, with room for compromise on both sides.

In your situation, with a DH with those attitudes, I would seek to WoH. Not great to be financially dependent on a man who has attitudes like his.

It is about someone at home whilst the other person is out of the house . PERSON!!!!

Yep. Everything has to be turned into sexism.

I can't be sexist or see it as 'wife work' when I expect my husband to cook for me when I have been at work and he has been at home.

It's simply due to the fact that he is at home, he has to cook for the children so it makes sense to cook for me at the same time.

No sexism. Just logistics.

It is about someone at home whilst the other person is out of the house . PERSON!!!!

Thank you. I find threads like these tend to ignore the fact that the person who works all day might be tired as well. There needs to be compromise.

FWIW when I was single I ate nachos or cup a soups when I came home after a 12 hour shift, and you better believe I only cleaned on the weekends. I would expect the same from any man or woman.

n your situation, with a DH with those attitudes, I would seek to WoH. Not great to be financially dependent on a man who has attitudes like his.

What attitude?

The one where he got home from a 12 hour shift, had a bag of crisps and was called lazy? OP says he never expects a meal. Sounds to me like he snapped for being called lazy. It happens, tired people argue.

12 hour shifts are exhausting. When I did them I was good for little else afterwards. He needs to stop working so much if he is able to for sure. But I am not seeing a man with a particularly bad attitude here. Just a couple who are struggling and tired, who need to work together, compromise and be kind to one another.