Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

Funny. I thought SAHP work predominantly involved caring for the child. If you have a DC that naps well or can entertain themselves well, then attention can be turned to the housework. However, if you have the opposite DC, it can be hard to do both. Surely the point of being a SAHP is to be their for your DC, not to spend those hours tidying, washing, cleaning and cooking.

My DH works long hours, but is able to chuck a few toys in a box and make a meal in the evening.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my male boss told me that he stayed late at work, often until the caretaker asked him to leave, doing extra tasks and "getting ahead with things" deliberately to avoid his sahm wife "moaning and nagging" at him and having to deal with his toddler. His wife was pregnant with their planned second child. Wtf he was playing at in his mind is anyone's guess. He told me about his crappy behaviour not thinking it was crappy, but warning me about what I was letting myself in for

And its not about being a marvellous parent. Most people are giving her advice on how to make it easier for her so shes not tired. Such as not cooking 2/3 meals, sit down and have a break.
Lets do it from his POV.
Im at work all week doing 12 hour shifts, my partner is a SAHP. The whole financial burden is on me and im stressed. Its not a busy time at work, but I need to make myself look good as im the sole earner.
I come home and the house is a mess and there is no food for me, I dont moan though. So instead of cooking or moaning i grab myself whatevers easiest, usually snack foods like crisps. My partner then starts moaning at me for not pulling my weight, so I retalliate by saying well the house is a mess and ive not eaten a proper meal all week. I do my fair share at the weekends, i cook and clean and look after my lo. Whos bu?

Surely the point of being a SAHP is to spend time with your DC? If you have a DC that naps well and can entertain themselves well, then some housework can get done. If the DC is the opposite, then it can be hard to do both.

My DH works long hours. Doesn't mean that he doesn't throw a few toys in a box or make a meal. He cares more about our day and what we have been up to than a some toys on a floor.

I appear to have posted twice. Awkward.

He's staying at work to avoid being at home, given that it isn't a busy time and nobody else stays that late.

If you do nothing at home Monday to Friday then prevaricating and contemplating your navel in the office after everyone else has gone home is just avoiding your family.

Im a sahp to two. One at school (reception) and one 18 mo. She can be a very very bad sleeper. My husband works long hours not to mention i have mh issues. I organise my time to whats easiest for me. Such as i cook one meal, i leave the 18mo for 2 minutes to put a load of washing on. I tidy up as i go. Its exhausting, no one is denying that. But its not that exhausting that you cant tidy or cook all week.

Fair share in chores two out of seven days.

He gets in a 19.00. Hardly too late to cook a bit of dinner.

You are missing the point.
People are giving her advice on how to MAKE IT EASIER FOR HER.
She started moaning at him for eating junk food instead of preparing a meal. He retalliated. He did start moaning at her at the state of the house or for lack of cooked food.

He did not, was meant to say

It was an issue to HER, not him.

OP - tell him he's got to leave on time a couple of days a week minimum. If he doesn't then ring him at work and ask why he's still there. DH tries to turf dads of young kids out of the office some days at 5-5.30pm but they're reluctant to go. They're happy to play daddy at weekends but don't want what they see as the drudge work at the end of the day.

The OP might have different priorities to you Jaynesworld.

What do you eat for dinner on the days he has crisps?

Agree Caraboss1

He's staying at work to avoid being at home, given that it isn't a busy time and nobody else stays that late.

She doesn't know that for sure. She's saying because she "knows his boss" that she doesn't think it's expected. Who knows what he's working on.

Can't you cook the evening meal at the same time as cooking the kids food. It's what I did. However I feel your pain.

What priorities Radio?

The OP said full day of activities/entertaining her LO. That's why she didn't make dinner.

It’s not wife work people are talking about, it’s person at home work. I imagine the replies would be exactly the same if the OP were a man.

Looking after one 15 month old child is not the all-consuming exhausting task it’s being made out to be unless you’re parent to Baby Flash.

Radio - hit a nerve have I??? The op clearly has no routine and is for some reason struggling for whatever reason. I have three dc 2 of those have sen, my husband works away, I still manage to do all the housework cook meals. It's not wife's work it's sahp work - if a man was doing this not cleaning up etc you would all be jumping all over him telling him to pull his finger out. Double standards as usual from a few of you!

How did all these men manage when they got in from work before they were married. They’d still get in at 7 ish. Did they just not eat cause they were too tired? When did they do their own tidying up when they lived alone?

Women bashing other women on Mumsnet whilst the men are at the office doing Oh Such Demanding and Important Work.

Obviouslymarvellous. Yes, you would like to think you have hit a nerve wouldn't you! I was just making a joke about how organised you sounded. As you can see, I am not too bothered about cooking and housework.

And no, double standards from me. If my DH was a SAHP, I would still be able to cook myself a meal when I get in!

Museum - I wonder that, too.