Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

I work similar hours to your DH, I think you're being unnecessarily harsh. Working those hours is absolutely knackering day in, day out.

As the main breadwinner there is a lot of pressure to keep earning. There's plenty of days I get back and can't be arsed to start cooking from scratch and I definitely wouldn't want to be doing much chores wise until the weekend, it all just has to wait.

I think you are being very unfair, being at home with one child compared to the hours he's working is a doddle.

You can't honestly say you'd be happy he'd been home all day and done very little and then expected you to prepare your own food as he had only fed himself.

A meal is not a lot to ask for in return for covering all your costs so you don't have to work.

Sometimes you could also call a pizza service service btw. Don‘t have to do everything yourself. You say, he earns well. So try to outsource as many things as possible.

The worst mistake I made earlier in our marriage was to believe I had to do everything myself. My husband works as much as yours and has to travel a lot work related, is away on weekends and so. I realized I could not do it. There may be person who are more resourceful than me. We have four kids. I am dead sure I would have stopped at two if I would not have had any help.

newyearsameme80 i think we could try that. i don't expect him to come home before bed time every night but a couple of nights would be lovely.

CheeseFiend36 he's a both good husband and father on the weekend. We share chores and do fun things as a family together. I only struggle during the week when the days feel long and i'm the only attention my child gets...

LifeBeginsAtGin - his diet doesn't annoy me. it's more when he does eat crisps for dinner and then moaning at me about it.

newyearsameme80 i think we could try that. i don't expect him to come home before bed time every night but a couple of nights would be lovely.

CheeseFiend36 he's a both good husband and father on the weekend. We share chores and do fun things as a family together. I only struggle during the week when the days feel long and i'm the only attention my child gets...

LifeBeginsAtGin - his diet doesn't annoy me. it's more when he does eat crisps for dinner and then moaning at me about it.

newyearsameme80 i think we could try that. i don't expect him to come home before bed time every night but a couple of nights would be lovely.

CheeseFiend36 he's a both good husband and father on the weekend. We share chores and do fun things as a family together. I only struggle during the week when the days feel long and i'm the only attention my child gets...

LifeBeginsAtGin - his diet doesn't annoy me. it's more when he does eat crisps for dinner and then moaning at me about it.

But he's not working, is he? OP seems pretty clear he could easily work a couple of 'normal' length days at least once or twice a week and get home in time to see his kid.

He's using work as an excuse to duck out of the grunt work and then moaning at the OP who cant duck out of the grunt work of raising their child. No ta.

Why are you so tired you can't cook or clean? Not been rude as I'm also a sahm but I'm not that tired by 7pm. I sometimes CBA to cook but it's not the same as being to tired. It sounds to me like you need to get a routine. Tidy up before bed, sort out proper meals etc. Obviously he should help out when he can but after working all day I can't blame him for wanting to put his feet up for a bit.

Leave him with the child, only then will he learn how hard it is.
My DH thought it was relatively easy until I left him for my first over night... I came back to a man who respected the job I was doing far more, and he helped much more as well.

Everyone i'm lagging behind at responding. Sorry if i can't respond individually.

No don't get me wrong, i don't expect him to come home and cook and clean after all those hours he puts in, oh god no. i'm not a terrible person. I really appreciate i got to stay home with him supporting us. We have a loving marriage and we work as a team. It's just every now and then i'm so tired and things don't get done and we have our 'moments'....
That moment when you feel you're being let down by a team mate if that makes sense.

I still cook at least 4-5 nights a week including weekends, i'm not a lazy wife. just a tired and frustrated one (at times).

When I was a child free woman working in a very male-dominated workplace, a awful lot of men did ‘busy work’ to avoid going home to do bed and bath time. Most of them in fact.

I'm sorry OP but I think you are being rather unreasonable. If you were once career driven, surely you can apply your skills and time management to cope with running a house and raising one child at the same time? Prepare a meal earlier in the day that can be put in oven at last minute/use a slow cooker etc. and tidy toys away etc before bath time. I know there can be difficult days when they are unwell or playing up when this is hard but it shouldn't normally be so difficult. If your DH is coming home to a mess every evening and no dinner after 12 hours at work it's no wonder things aren't going great. Tell him you will try harder at running the house but that he needs to get home in time some evenings to do bath and bedtime to give you a break from the childcare and to spend time himself with his child.

Sorry but whoever is at home during the day in our house is the one who cooks the meals. Our kids are older now it this was just the same when they were babies. It's no wonder he snacks in crap if he does a 12 hour day out of the house and then comes home to you with your feet up, tripping over toys as he goes.

I seethe when I get home from work and the kitchen is a mess, washing not put away, bed not made, etc. as I always make sure these things are done when I'm the one at home.

Just plan ahead and make something easy when your hold is napping. At 15 months old, they must also play on there own too so you must have bits of time throughout the day?

You can't say he's not working. Unless he's not actually at his desk and in the pub, which is a different problem.

OP, don't confuse being well off with not worrying about money. As a single parent I am responsible for keeping my family afloat, in a not dissimilar position to your DH. To me until I got to the point that I'd paid off my mortgage, I always felt some financial worry, that would keep me in work early and make me stay late. There is an element of risk with all jobs now. There are few well paying roles where you can leave at 5 and be taken seriously. Unless you are willing to then work for hours at home in the evenings...

If you are tired some nights then have some ready meals in the freezer to put on or order a takeaway. I don't think it's unheard of for people to potter around at work rather than go home and have to start cooking and cleaning and doing childcare.

Honestly? I reckon he’s staying longer at work than he needs to to avoid looking after the DC!

OP, I am sorry you are so exhausted all the time with one 15 month toddler to the extent of falling behind on the domestic front.

You have the ability to organise the household routine. Perhaps with a little thought, the household can runs more smoothly alongside the childcare. Money is not an issue, therefore think about having a cleaner, ad hoc childcare, takeaways, baby sitting.

If not, my first thought is that you go back to work, so that your dh better appreciates your contribution and is forced to pull his own weight and have the opportunity to experience more hands on care. It is worth it even if you bring home very little net in the early years. This career is gold and will accelerate once your child is older. Some women are not cut out to enjoy SAHM-dom.

On the days you can cook, can you not do a larger portion and use it the next day? Or freeze it for another day.

I always cook enough for two main meals so that I only need to cook 2-3 times a week.

To be fair, I was working all day and my other half wasn't, I would be a bit miffed to come home to no dinner and a mess. I know when you have a little one it is quite hectic, but there is time for basic tidying and preparing a meal.

I have found over the years that fathers especially newish ones believe that they are showing love for their family by being good providers. In your DH's case may mean working the long hours and doing the best at their job.

What they don't understand is that you and your lo would prefer them to be at home an hour earlier to have a hug and snuggles before bed (tidying up isn't really going to sell it to him!).

You just need to strike a balance between the two.

Arnold, the OP's dh must be pretty thick to not understand by now that the OP prefers him to be at home rather than at work, seeing that she has told him numerous times to come home earlier. Also, the OP does not need to sell it her dh to come home earlier by dangling hugs and snuggles. Surely he has worked it out by now (again, thick I guess).

He is a parent, not great penis man who werks in office that needs good reason to drag his arse home, other than fulfilling his duties as an equal parent in this modern day and age.

Sounds like he's found a 'worthy' way of missing the hard work of a toddler.

Can't he batch cook at the weekend?

I'm shocked at all the harsh replies you're getting OP! If my husband expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning as well as look after our baby, we'd be on the way to the divorce court. I have done 12-hour days out at work before having my son and I can honestly say being at home all day with a baby (mine's 9 months), let alone a toddler, is equally knackering, just in a different way. It's relentless. You have to watch them all the time, when you're not making food, feeding, changing, clothing, entertaining ... I miss adult company. Conversations that aren't constantly interrupted. A nice coffee to drink while playing with a spreadsheet or reading a report, a bit of chit-chat with a client before the work update - come on, virtually no one's job has no downtime in it. Being at home raising your (joint) child is not an easy life. It is not without its sacrifices. The judgment of others for your lack of 'contribution' being one of them (as though the only meaningful contribution is financial, and as though you never earned/saved/in other ways helped set up the family finances, but anyway...)

I'm not saying being the working partner is necessarily easier - it's just different. You need to both respect each other's job! In your case, that means your DH pulling his weight a little more in the evenings. Surely he can get home for bath/bedtime a couple of times a week - and if he can't, maybe his job is incompatible with fathering a toddler?

My DH and I take it in turns to do bedtime unless he has to work late. One of us settles the baby and the other runs round and does a quick tidy-up - it takes 10-15 mins. We each aim to cook twice a week, other than that we eat freezer food or takeout. We have a cleaner who does all the bathroom/ kitchen/ floors/ laundry etc. If you are comfortably off, then I definitely recommend throwing money at the problem. But an expectation from the working parent that the at-home parent should cook and clean after them is a dangerous one for your self-esteem, mutual respect and ultimately your relationship. I'd call him out on it now and renegotiate who does what, when.

Rant over. Good luck!

Ok, so he is at work 6.15am-7pm.
You are looking after LO from 6.15am-7pm.
I would think that until 7pm it is a fair division of labour. Then from 7pm onwards you are BOTH equally responsible for tidying away anything outstanding at home and cooking the adult meal. The work never stops irrespective of whether you are a working parent (in his case) or stay at home parent (in your case). There is absolutely no downtime for anyone for many years until the kids are considerably older.

Me and DH have both been working/not working at home/not at home for various stages of our DC lives so far.

The one who is at home throws the toys in the basket in the end of the day and makes some food for the person who has been at work all day. The stuff after that and around it (bathtimes/DC teeth/stories etc) get shared equally.

I've been there, OP, but it's reasonable to organise your time to get some of these things sorted so you're both supporting each others efforts to achieve a happy homelife when you're together.

Sounds like he's found a 'worthy' way of missing the hard work of a toddler

Can't he batch cook at the weekend?

'Cos that's what we'd all be saying to a woman who was out at work 13 hours per day and coming home to a messy house and no food, right? That's she's copping out of responsibility and should spend her weekends cooking.