Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.

I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

Surprised at the replies. I work 12 hour shifts where I’m on my feet constantly, I went back to work because it was easier than being a SAHM. I couldn’t leave my DS unattended for 2minutes at 15 months! You don’t have to make him dinner OP, you’re job is to care for your child not him!

I think a compromise would be the best solution. It doesn't sound like he is working those hours out of necessity so if he could agree to make it home early a couple of nights a week to, you know, parent his own child then that would be a big support to you. Equally you could agree to do a nice home-cooked meal two times a week for both of you and then you both cook on weekends. Make up the other evenings with soup or leftovers or whatever. It's all about give and take.

I’m a bit surprised at you making so much of one 15 month old. It’s really not that hard, to be honest. He is working long hours to provide for you both and yes, he probably is tired after a long day at work.

Does the little one not nap so you could clear up a bit then? You can put laundry on when the child is with you. You can tidy up toys as you go along - it’s better for children to learn to clear up alongside you.
If you’re exhausted from activities and can’t maintain the house as you’re too tired maybe cut back on activities? He doesn’t need constant stimulation.
Can your husband not eat the same as you and the child - I assume you do cook for your child so just make more and plate up or leave in pot for your husband to reheat when he gets in. That would be kinder than complaining about him.
Weekends you could split so each of you had time for a lingering bath, a trip to gym or coffee with friends but also had time as a family going to feed the ducks etc.

Suggest you try using a slow cooker as you are a good cook. Chuck raw ingredients into crock, on by mid morning, ready for supper from 5pm onwards. LO can have some & the rest can keep until you both ready to sit down to eat together. Serve with steamed/nuked fresh vegetables.

Small cookers (about 1.5 litres) suitable for 2 large portions are generally just under £20. Next size up is good for batch cooking.

This past week I have braised diced venison, diced beef & chicken thighs. I don’t sear the meat beforehand. I put into the crock a layer of root vegetables - e.g. carrots - to make sure they cook through, large scoop tomato purée, raw meat, bay leaf, herbs, salt & pepper, then slosh scant water in to just cover the meat. As very little steam escapes during the slow cook, the liquids hardly reduce, so when I cook for two I put in about cup rather than a mug’s worth. My Breville model has an auto cook setting which runs at high for two hours then drops down to the low setting until ready to serve.

Five minutes to prep in the morning is all it takes.

As other posters have said, I worked in a male dominated industry and the amount of men who’d stay till 8pm to avoid the kids was shocking. They didn’t need to... what it did was force a culture of everyone being expected to stay later and later.
Our old boss cracked down on it. Forced everyone to leave by 6... he’d go round asking people what work emergency were they dealing with they were still there at 7? There never was one.
The boss knew that non tired, family orientated people tended to do better at their jobs and were actually more productive.
Some guys would come in on a weekend to escape their wives and kids without a need to do so!

I’m a sahm, and I adore it, but it can be incredibly demanding, stressful and exhausting at times - like any other job.

I’ll admit that I haven’t read the whole thread due to lack of time, so I’m not sure as to what other posters have suggested.

I always make sure that weeknight meals are cooked and ready by 6.30pm, as my DH usually comes home between then and 7pm. I try to cook foods that can easily be reheated if necessary and still taste good, or those that can be cooked in under 10 minutes when DH arrives home (prawn stir fry with noodles for example). The latter is definitely harder if you’re breastfeeding on demand as I used to, as you never know when you’ll suddenly be needed for a milk feed!

You can then eat together, or your DH can eat by himself - at least you’ll both eat a good meal.

Our soon to be 3 year old DD eats dinner with us too, then spends some time with her Daddy, before going to bed. I know a lot of people would say that it’s too late for her, but if ever she wanted to eat and sleep earlier, I would allow her to do so, but they both love this time together, and I think it’s far better for them to spend a bit of proper time together rather than panic about sleep. It’s the only time they get to see each other all week.

You and your DH must both be exhausted - I know that we both are every night. I just think that a bit more organisation of dinners will help you a lot. Also, think about what your expectations are, and share these with your Husband. I remind mine regularly (in a jokey way, I don’t nag), that he can expect dinner when he arrives home, but I/we require his full attention whilst we eat. No phones etc at the table, eye contact, and I need to have a conversation (even if it’s mainly me talking and him listening), otherwise he may start to find dinner isn’t ready when he arrives home!

Oh please. The child is 15 months, not 15 days. There is absolutely no reason you can't cook and tidy the house if you're home all day. I certainly did it, and when my DS was 15 months I was 5 months pregnant with DD!

It's DH home now and I come home after a long day at work to a tidy house and a meal. I have my chores to do, but frankly, as the SAHP he does the bulk of them. That's a fair division of labor.

Frankly, if DH called me lazy when I got home, I'd have said a lot worse to him than your DH said to you.

Are you happy as a SAHM? Wouldn't you prefer going back to work and find your LO a childminder? I felt much better and actually started enjoying motherhood more when I went back to work.

I had a work colleague like this. He found being a dad and how it changes your home life dynamics, boring and stressful. Wasnt interested in any of the day to day childcare or interacting with a small child.

He simplyopted out of it all by always being at work. He was even reluctant to take annual leave. I knew his thoughts as he told someone at work and they repeated it. I can't recall what happened in the end but it must be extremely difficult to shake someone out of that mindset, particularly as they're bringing in the money so will use that as justification for not being around

And I agree with those who say that little kids don't need a day full of activities. They need to play but also learn to play on their own. Be creative or destructive with whatever you give them. You can go for a walk while the washing machine is on and the stew in the oven or in the slow cooker or do something quick like pesto or carbonara, ask your LO to help you with the laundry (just pick the items from the basket) and make a play out of it. Active kids get tired easily so during the nap you can tidy up or just relax and have some time on your own.

Just be kinder to each other.

I would really recommend you both going part time and sharing the financial and home duties. Yes, it will hit his career but yours is going down the toilet at the mo and will take time to recover so he can share that hit too.

OP there is nothing wrong with taking a break here and there. Of course you can watch telly or mumsnet for a bit each day. Close the lounge door and set out a few toys out. They don't need to be played with every minute of every day and learning to play independently is a life skill . When you make dinner, let them pull out tupperware or pans or strap him in the highchair with a page and crayons. You can chat away to him while sorting dinner.Try not to put yourself under too much pressure. I think most of us don't really get this until we have subsequent babies, I wish I had known this with my first!

Also get a large toy box to chuck everything in at the end of the day - makes tidying up a breeze. You can always shove it out of the road - like under the stairs or something if you don't him pulling it all out again

When cleaning, you can give him a duster too - children love to help mummy!

Why are you so tired, is he a poor sleeper? If so, make sure you get a lie in one weekend day. Or is it the intensity of the long days alone? In which case have you tried a parents and toddlers group to break it up? Or is it boredom? Would returning to work part time help? Once you work that out you can try to find a solution.

A couple of mornings in a nursery may well be the way forward, if that is what you want.

It is interesting that so many are saying you shouldn't be struggling with just one child. I actually found that period of time the hardest - it got easier for me when I had more because as time went on, they helped to entertain eachother. Mind you, mine have a few years gap between each one which may have influenced that. I still find a house full easier, we always have extra children here playing.

I'm a bit at you op... one single ds of 15 months and you can't keep on top of the house or make an evening meal???? Presumably ds still naps etc what do you do then... yes dh probably needs to help out a bit more but I suspect he feels pressured or is in fact fed up of coming home to the same mess or atmosphere most days. Do you resent him slightly for being out all day and you're left with the ds? It's not hard to keep on top of housework and cooking. Slow cooker, batch cooking good toy storage or even just a box in the lounge you can throw it all in. I think there is probably more going on with you than you're letting on but from the way it reads really you need to pull your finger out a bit and stop using the ds as an excuse and try a bit more to keep on top of things.

My dh does similar (my d leaves at 5.30 back at 7.30) he is exhausted from working so long, ashen face tired so I don't have the heart to ask him to tidy toys or do anything much beyond kiss the children goodnight.

We can't cut back his hours as it will impact his job, you need to remember his job is important to your security and future.

I have survived 12 long years of this, and have more than one child and both are not good sleepers. It is tiring.

This is how I did it:

Make all dinners at the same time (start preparing after lunch so it is easier for you in the eve) and he can reheat his dinner when he arrives home
Toys are tidied away around 4pm with dc before bath
Put music on to enjoy the evening time. Make it fun
Bath is always done early so you are not too tired (6pm)
Dc in bed prompts for 7pm to give you time to relax
dh in charge for an afternoon every weekend to give you a break (he can enjoy time with dc) He has a lie in one morning of the weekend to rest and catch up with sleep
He does all cooking at weekends ( I won't step foot in the kitchen)
We do the tidying and cleaning together at the weekend

You need a good and solid schedule and routine. Thats all, and some built in time out. Then you will be fine

PS I am now doing all of this as well as having a broken leg that is in plaster and has been for six weeks. It can be done (easily) once you put your mind to it and set up some good systems and routines.

I love it. 'My DH doesn't w freehelp with the chores'

Posts full of advice on how to wife work better.

Instead of just cooking for your lo, add more and cook for all 3 of you. Eat with your lo and if your dh doesnt like it reheated tough, he could have come home earlier.

Oh dear. That should read 'My husband doesn't help with the chores'

Radio its not "wife work" its sahp work. Her dh is working long hours and she expects him to come home cook and clean, which she struggles to do (whilst being at home). She admits he does his fair share on the weekends so hes not skipping out. Hes not moaned at her for not cooking or cleaning until she moaned at him

Can you tell me when your parenting book is going to be published Obviously marvellous?

sorry but in our house the one at home does all the house stuff and cooks .You say he does his turn at weekend . tell him your struggling and both of you batch cook at weekend freeze it do a menu . Talk to him one of us would clean upstairs and other look after kids then swap one doing downstairs and other watching kids. Get organised make some free time things like doing washing every other day help

Next week

Dont compete about who is more tired.
He is home at 7.15. When do you normally eat? Surely you can make a simple meal between you and eat together?
And surely he is putting in extra hours/effort cos he is sole breadwinner at the moment?

Could you do slow cooker meals? That way he could help himself out the slow cooker or you could both eat together. I find them a godsend when my chronic condition flares up.

The cynic in me would say he's staying late at work unnecessarily.
Get back to work yourself pt at least, and draw up a rota for chores accordingly to include some child free time each. No one seems to be enjoying the current set up.