To ask how you get on with your MIL?

[LoveInTokyo]

Is she a nightmare, an angel, or something in between?

Seem, not soon!

I think that’s a little unfair Bertrand sure there are nightmares mils. My mum had a choice bitch of a mil but people do post about vile mils and quite rightly but maybe that makes the problem ones seem more commen than they really are?

Could b wrong though

Mine was lovely, helpful and sweet.

Ex MIL is cold, favours one grandchild over other two, I am persona non grata since leaving her DS after a long and in the end miserable marriage. DP mum died a couple months after we moved in together and I feel a bit robbed as she was wonderful straight talking kind lady who is sadly missed

I think you're right, @Mycatisahacker people don't generally post to tell other posters how lovely their MILs are, they post about relationships they find difficult. This thread has been more real because there's good and bad relationships being talked about.

@BertrandRussell I'm not expecting her to be anything else to me personally. As long as we're cordial that's good enough for me. I would've liked it she took more interest in her grandchild... She lives much closer to us than my mother and I would've loved for DS to have a close relationship with a doting grandmother. She's not really that kind of person and I don't vilify her for it but it was a bit disappointing until I accepted she cares in her own way.
On the other hand, I'm grateful that she's not imposing and interfering. I come from a culture of close family relationships and in that context she'd be considered quite distant and disinterested, but I know this is not so from her perspective.

I get along with mine. She’s bossy and loves to give an opinion but she’s 1000 miles away and it doesn’t bother me. She is lovely when we’re together and adores the grand kids, will never take DH’s side against me. She will sit and do craft( which I hate) for hours with the kids. I’ve realised though that she likes to play me off her other dil and her two sons against each other too.

Haha, I’m not from the Daily Mail.

Such an interesting range of opinions, thank you all.

I am newly wed but have known my MIL for about 7 years, and I feel like I’m only just starting to get to know her. She’s a very sweet, kind person and I would like us to be close.

@SersioulycanitgetWORSE Yes, same issue. Being bullied for a lifetime does terrible things! We found counselling really helpful - DH is surprisingly assertive and together now.

"Look. If you found yourself working beside a woman from a completely different generation, background and life experience to you, would you expect to be best friends?"

Actually, this has happened to me and yes we were friends. The fact that she treated me as an equal and didn't tell me constantly how to live my life, or treat me like a 9 year old really helped me to like her, you know? Her (much younger) partner was cheating on her at the time, and we went on a 'stakeout' together where we pretended to be Thelma and Louise to catch him out. It was the oddest mixture of very comic, and also very sad because he was an absolute rotter to her.

Your constant assumption that those who dislike their MILs are intolerant bitches is wearing. Accept that there are a huge variety of experiences on this planet, and a huge variety of people. Some are nice, some are awful people. Some are supportive, loving and caring, others are the very reverse. There are DILs and MILs at both ends of that spectrum, and everywhere inbetween. A decent, good person will make allowances, will tolerate a lot for the sake of peace. But there comes a point when asking someone to do that in the face of very damaging behaviour is cruel, and steps need to be taken to shore up boundaries or to avoid contact altogether in the worst cases.

I’m absolutely delighted to not have my ex MIL (am divorced) in my life anymore.

Main gripes:

• Racist (and proud with it)

• Hugely and noticeably favoured my daughter over my son. I would go so far as to say she seemed to dislike him on sight. Maybe because he looked more like my side of the family as a baby. I really don’t know. (he has no time for her now, he’s 11)

• Never played or really even interacted with the DGC when she visited. She would just take over the kitchen (she liked cooking) leaving it filthy, drink lots of wine, would talk about herself and her friends incessantly and dominate conversation. It was exhausting and deeply boring for everyone when she stayed.

• Critical of my parenting (and everyone else’s)

• Very controlling over my ex DH and very jealous / weird of his relationship with his brother (her stepson) She once screamed and yelled at DH and slammed the phone down on him when he told her we were going to stay with his brother and his family for a weekend ( they lived close to MIL) and didn’t speak properly to DH for weeks

• Had huge strop / melt down and ruined a family wedding because her sister and brother in law were popping in to see same step son the day after the wedding. I’m not exaggerating. Her sister in law was in tears.

• regularly ruined family get togethers / meals by feeling aggrieved / slighted over nonesense. Would try to dictate where everyone would sit, and if she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention because two people were having a conversation she would demand they move places. She ruined one family meal by having a strop because BIL didn’t top her wine up quickly enough (there were around 18 people at the table - it wasn’t deliberate, just busy)

• hugely critical and bitchy of everyone, her sister, her family, her friends behind their backs which made you wonder what she said about you.

All in all not a nice person. She was the type of person who was on the Church cleaning rota and attended regularly so thought she was a ‘good’ person while spouting right wing racist crap and being intolerant and judging of everyone and everything.

• when her son (my ex) was caught having an affair her initial reaction was to tell me that if I had kept him happy he wouldn’t have strayed so I had myself to blame.

I don’t miss her.

First MIL was easygoing, warm, and just generally easy to get along with. Lived 200 miles away, but never intruded in any way. ExDH rang her regularly and we visited every few months for a weekend, and she came to us for special ocassion etc. Would catch a train and insist on making her own way, and generally did everything she could, as she did not want to be a nuisance. Very much like my mum was with my SIL. Was supportive and kind, but respected our boundaries.
Current MIL is a different ballgame altogether. Full of her own self importance, judgmental, haughty, lacks any shred of human empathy, is a tight self absorbed capitalist, has been horrendously intrusive since day 1. Lives thousands of miles away, and has invited herself without consultation, for weeks (and sometimes months!) on end. Twice a year..every bloody year. Expects to be waited on, picked up, driven everywhere, taken on holidays while she is here. Pretends she is loving, but all I have ever sensed is cold. It was a shock to the system, and really tested our relationship for a long time. But of course they are not all like that, and I hope you have a lovely relationship with yours!

Also a few similarities with yours RampantRegina! She also 'helped' out with their local church, and insisted on her kids going to Sunday school, as she wants to look like the good mum. The good grandma, in fact, just an all round saint. Yet she is completely non spiritual and atheist, and actually told my then 4 year old, that my parents were not in heaven, there is no such thing as God. They are now just dust in the ground..and it's silly that anyone thinks otherwise!! Caused my daughter a lot of anxiety for a long time afterwards!
I think they just want to appear to be amazing, they'll sympathise with someone, in a fake caring way, then criticise and slag them off behind their backs. Likes to manipulate people's impressions of others, while all the while ensuring that people's impression of her, is untarnished.

Mine is lovely and kind and adores our DD but she likes being the centre of attention and is hugely demanding. She also (like most mums) thinks she knows best and says some outrageous things, then won't back down even when she's been proven wrong. Exhausting as you might imagine. Overall though, I am very lucky as we do get on well.

Mine claims she doesn't like to interfere which basically means she doesn't bother we us at all unless we visit them and then it is all about her son and DIL and their children. I get on ok with her but she has little interest in our kids so I keep my distance

My MIL is great, she helps out with the DC without being overbearing or anything

Ok in small doses.
Foolishly, we allowed her to stay 6 nights over christmas.
She talks about my DH with awe and would praise anything he did, including his tiny contribution to Christmas dinner which was the ' best bit by far' never mind that I had done 95% of the cooking and all of the shopping. She ate her dinner and then got up and went to the living room whilst I was still eating! I didn't get any thanks. She also tried one evening to tell me about my DHs promiscuous past and that he was the ' king of one night stands' I wouldn't mind but it's simply not true and I felt sorry for my DH as it seemed an unkind thing to say. I just don't get her , I did ask her not to say things like this but to no avail! Sorry this was long- very therapeutic!

Haven’t seen my mil for 6 years. She’ll hop on a plane to visit her other (adult) grand children but won’t make a coach journey to see her young grand children, so we stopped visiting as life is busy enough. It used to bother me hugely, but she is not my mother. If DH wants a relationship with her, and in turn for her to have a relationship with our children, he needs to make it happen.

Six nights is far too long, @chorusline79 I agree. That's how long we have my MIL to stay, 2 or 3 times a year, and by the end of it I'm literally climbing the walls, thinking, if I hear another conversation about growing up during the war or about one of her elderly neighbours, or how my wonderful DH can solve any problem she has to deal with, I'm going to explode!!

Sorry, rant over. She's ok for shorter periods and when there are more people around to distract her and keep her talking.

@Lizzie48 i presume your MIL lives far away too? It's just too long isn't it! Ours is a few hundred miles away so insists on a week minimum if she can but it's much better if we go to hers as we only stay 2 or 3 nights max, and I can cope better then! She's also better on her own turf somehow. I seem to forget how bad it is each time and think it will be ok!

Good to see you rallying to the cause on here again Bertrand

Can you help me with this then:?

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated drip by drip since I've known her through her jealousy and attempts at manipulation. She can't keep up the pretence of being a reasonable person any more. I'm the sort of person who just stands back and lets the other person make a fool of herself and alienate people because at the end of the day I'm not on earth to sort her life out for her.

MIL has transformed having me as a person who made an effort with her and a potential friend into someone who can no longer be bothered and prefers avoiding contact. Her other family in laws take the same line as me because MIL will never change.

I shall be seeing her shortly and genuinely would rather take up snake wrangling.

Yes it is too long, @chorusline79 I just end up feeling like a right cow for not enjoying having her with us. I suppose the difficulty is that she's always wanted a mother/daughter relationship with me and she's tried far too hard. My reaction is to think 'just back off'. She wanted me to call her 'mum', which I didn't want to do.She had a very controlling MIL herself who she was very close to and did call 'mum', but I refused to have that kind of relationship with her.

I don't blame you at all @Lizzie48 , that's kind of weird and she's not your mum! I guess we have to take comfort in the fact that it's not too frequent! My DH has 3 siblings so we have done our Christmas duty for a while! I too feel mean but then she comes and I remember what a nightmare she is!!

Unfortunately for me, she calls us a lot too, and leaves frantic messages if he doesn't answer the phone. She used to call 3 or 4 times in quick succession sometimes. Rather than think we're busy getting cleared up and getting the girls to bed, she worries that something terrible has happened. It's getting better now, but then I'm getting used to it too. My DH calls back and they talk for an hour leaving him shattered.

It's actually good to be able to vent a bit. In rl I feel bad because she is nice really and the DDs love her. She's just such hard work!!

Mine is great, I adore her.
She's funny, kind, incredibly supportive and generally really good company.
Yes, she has made the odd comment in the 13 years we've had DD (but to be fair she was dead right about then toddler DD not being able to speak properly with a flippin dummy shoved in her mouth when she really didn't need it and I knew that too).
She is generous with her time (and money) and is a big part of our lives.
She is incredibly defensive of me too, I really love her.
My own mum died 4 years ago and although it's not the same as having my own mum, sometimes the little hugs she gives me or the quick wink when DH says something we both find amusing (for all the wrong reasons) it's almost good enough.
She's 80 this year, a size 12, incredibly stylish and I flippin love her.
I can't even begin to think what it will be like without her one day.

I have complicated feelings about my MIL. She drives me batshit crazy at times. But... she is a loving woman who cares deeply about her family, including me. I also have her to thank for the element of DH's personality that I find the most impressive - an ability to change and adapt. Over the years, I've really noticed how much effort she has made to adapt to me and our life and I appreciate it a great deal (for itself, and for what it's meant that she taught DH that too). And I have tried my best to adapt for her too.

I think what probably makes me realise that I do care about her a great deal is the amount of time I spend worrying about what will happen about her when she can't live alone anymore. And I have actually accepted that if necessary, she will come live with us. There's absolutely no doubt that if you'd told me 10 years ago that I'd consider that one day, I'd have fallen over laughing with incredulity.