Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Just tell her that you're very busy for at the moment.
Rinse and repeat. If she asks what you're doing your 'catching up', 'spending some time with the children', 'working on a project'. You don't need to explain your choices to her. Keep it vague and brief and close that door.

Goldmandra has some great ideas there

Tbh even doing her shopping for her online is work for you, that you are not obliged to do and not paid for.

What does she do to thank you - anything - apart from sweets for the kids?

OP you sound so kind and lovely, but the anxiety is obvious from your posts, you absolutely HAVE to put a stop to this for the sake of your health and your children's well being.

Just get out of your head that all lies are bad, everyone lies to some extent and this situation calls for it.

Basically you, or your DH are going to have to either tell her bluntly that you cannot run around after her anymore, or you are going to have to keep putting her off with fake excuses until she gets the message. Good luck, it's terrible having to live with that kind of stress

You have to put your children and self first. When she asks say no sorry and suggest one of her children take her. If she says they can’t tell her that you have a lot on and can’t help out. You don’t need to go and apologise or explain why. She is taking advantage of you.

You really have to ask her why doesn't her son or daughter take you. It's awkward but you have to say no

‘Not good enough’

Means, she still wants me to take her here there and everywhere. She will say things to deliberately make it feel my problem. The other day for instance, I did my food shop on Saturday with my dad, she knew I’d been probably saw me bringing bags in, and came round to ask for 5 potatoes.
I know she didn’t need them I only took her to do a huge food shop Tuesday and I have took meals round so she deliberately made me feel awful asking for 5 potatoes

Goldmandra- that is exactly how I feel

Get some bus/train timetables. When she come to go shopping say you are "busy but as you have a buss pass, here is the bus time tablet. Have a good day."
Put you and your family first up.
If you can't send dh

Don't engage with her, she will get the Bette of you. Just say no.

Better

Would you find it easier to say no if you genuinely had something specific planned?

If so, how about making a weekend schedule for yourself? Plan out every half hour, even if it is just "play game with children" "do laundry" "read a book while children watch TV"

Remember when you're feeling guilty (even though you shouldn't) for lying that she's not feeling guilty for taking the piss. Get your partner to tell her straight that you can't help any more, don't make any more meals for her, and if she knocks on the window ignore it. Your dog won't answer the door and she'll get sick of getting no answer except his / her barking. It won't take long for her to get the hint if you stand firm. Don't waver - she coped before you arrived and she'll cope again.

she deliberately made me feel awful asking for 5 potatoes

She deliberately makes you feel awful.

So anything she might feel when you say no pales in comparison. Because she DELIBERATELY makes you feel awful.

I understand, it is hard. But please, for your sake, for your peace of mind's sake, for your mental health's sake, tell her no. If push comes to shove, have husband tell her the shopping is over.

And if she comes to ask for 5 potatoes, you say "no, sorry, I need them myself" and have done with it.

This lady is taking advantage and you need to put your foot down kindly but firmly. That doesn't mean you can't be neighbourly and offer her a little bit of help, but you need to decide what help you offer and when.

If you want to give her a lift to Asda sometimes thats fine but say no if she wants to go anywhere else. Or if you're ordering groceries online you can offer to order hers too but if she says no then you don't offer to take her shopping. If you want to do her nails occasionally that's fine but maybe only once a month. Stop picking her up and giving her lifts from the train station or wherever - if necessary don't answer her calls.

If you're unable to draw acceptable boundaries and keep to them then perhaps you need to cut her off completely? If you can't stick to offering just a little bit of help when it suits you then your only other choice is to offer no help at all.

Thanks for all your replies really helpful and have made me realise I’m not going round the twist and it needs to change.

Ok look you clearly need to stop this now, you know that but I don't think you will to be honest and while there are some great excuses and suggestions above I think this cheeky fucker will just keep knocking if you make excuses and waiting on the next knock and thinking if the next excuse won't help your anxiety either.

So how about a note, write one and have it ready, next time she calls say "Mary glad I caught you, we are on our way out and wanted to give this" then leave

Say something like
Dear Mary,

I wanted to tell you that although I enjoy your company I am honestly finding your expectations too much. I wanted to be a good neighbour so when I took you shopping initially it was no problem but now it is expected and it's too frequent. Working full-time and spending time with the kids is hard enough to juggle so there can be no more shopping trips or lifts, I am putting myself and my family first. I hope you understand, I have written this to avoid any awkward conversations, it is non negotiable. Of course I want to continue to be a good neighbour and look forward to catching up soon. Best Wishes"

Or similar, it's better than making excuses I think

Do you know how she got shopping etc before you moved in? You've not been there long, so I suggest she reverts back to what she did before. I think you need to go round and explain that you're exhausted and don't feel well in yourself - you're sorry but you won't be able to carry on like this, it's ruining time with your children etc etc. If she gets shitty, good, then you can tell her you've done far more than enough and she has children she needs to call upon. She's a cheeky bugger for even assuming every time you would be able to do this but the amount of stuff you've done goes way above and beyond. Please stop feeling guilty - feel proud that you've done so much but now it's expected and it is having a bad effect on you and your relationship with your children - remember that when the guilt sets in because you also feel guilty about your family and they come first.

wow she's being incredibly manipulative and only has her interests at heart. she doesn't give a shit about you or your kids. she's quite happy to drag you round the shops.

the shopping nonsense has to stop. keep saying no. too busy. can't. got other things on. spending time with my kids. washing the dog. vacuuming the carpet.

also stop taking meals round so often. sounds like you're doing it every other day. do it once a week.

what does she bring to your life? is she a good listener? does she make you laugh? is she kind?

ask yourself why you're doing this. and giving your kids crap doesn't count.

If she's phoning then screen your calls and don't pick up the phone.
People like this are the takers in the world - sounds like sh'e got a 1st class honours degree in cheeky fuckery!
You're a giver so I know it sits uncomfortably to say no. Pick out any of the techniques that sound helpful from here, get in front of that mirror (or the dog) and start practising. Hear yourself say the words. Try them out on your OH (tell him first!).

You can't change her selfishness - all you can change is your own reactions to her which hopefully will then change her behaviour.

We're all cheering you on in the background.

i meant her giving your kids crap to eat (sweets) doesn't count as a nice thing she does for you.

Good, I’m glad you’re ready to stand your ground. You’re teaching your children right now to put the whims of random bullies above family. Your children and your family should come first.

No food in the house? Hold on, I’ve got a menu for the local Chinese/Indian/etc takeaway.

I have tried the I don’t feel well, in fact I actually havent felt 100% I’ve been boggling my mind wondering why I was so drained and came to the pin point it’s her. And it’s only just clicked the night before I’m due to go and see the doctor about my deteriorating mental health.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be nasty or anything but I think il start with the online shopping thing. She has an iPad and a iMac and iPhone so she’s not daft, she also orders her makeup etc online so it’s definately viable to suggest this.
I definitely am using one of my days to go swimming I was filled with regret this weekend wondering what the hell ive been doing dragging kids round a supermarket when we had so much fun at swimming. I will get there I can be strong I’m just not that strong just now. I think I will still go to my gp and just explain how I’m feeling

5 potatoes, greedy as well as selfish.

Of course she can do online shopping but will probably say she likes to see what she's buying, likes to get out. She is not your responsibility . You are not being mean.