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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
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5
retirednow · 29/01/2018 18:56

Please look,after your and your families needs, maybe you felt a little bit lonely too but shes taken advantage and it really has to stop. She managed ok before you moved in, just go to the doctor tomorrow, don't answer the phone or the door and if she comes round just ignore it.

Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 18:56

See if you have a buddy project/lonely old people project/social inclusion project/shopping for the not as mobile project near you that keeps old people company and takes them shopping.

If you do, give your neighbour the number and every time she asks you something tell her to ring that number as you do not have the time.

It's easier to say no if there is an alternative and you can SEE that she'd rather inconvenience you than find proper help.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 18:57

Yes good idea, I have tried locking the door whilst I’m in, she knocks at window sets dog off barking. It’s all really too much I’m just starting to realise the extent of it writing it down

OP posts:
Bovneydazzlers · 29/01/2018 18:57

Can you send your DH round to speak to her on your behalf? Can he do the ‘I’m not sure you’re aware but she is very stressed at the moment and very busy, she hates to say no as really values your friendship but you’re going to have to ask your own family from now on...’?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 18:59

Yes he would do that as he is worried about me too, he is a lot more harder than me he just says it how it is whereas I’m a bit of a push over

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 29/01/2018 19:00

It's lovely to help people out, when it's appreciated, taken as the kind gesture it is and not taken advantage of or turned into an obligation by the recipient. This has gone well beyond that point and you would be perfectly justified in withdrawing any help whatsoever.

Whether you do that or just dial it back to a level you're happy with is up to you but you mustn't feel guilty about doing only as much as suits you, you don't owe your neighbour anything at all. Have a think about where you want your boundary/limit to be and then think of some responses you would feel comfortable with. Some people like to have a reason for saying no, so a clashing appointment/commitment or some other 'physical' reason why you can't do what she wants, or you might feel ok with a bright and breezy 'can't today sorry, I'm so busy, mustn't stop to chat' in passing.

However you decide to handle it the important bit is deciding in your own mind where your line in the sand is and sticking to it. If she pushes and you feel awkward or worried you're going to cave in just resort to 'sorry I really cant' repeatedly until she has no choice but to accept it. It's horrible when what was meant as a kind gesture goes wrong like this but it does no one any good to do more than you feel able to and you and DC have to come first. Good luck Flowers

notgivingin789 · 29/01/2018 19:00

Say “No”, practice saying “No” in the mirror. Like you, I also put other people’s needs above my own and generally like to please them. It’s impossible to please everyone, this woman is taking advantage. Give her a simple “ No thanks, I can’t right now, have a good day”. Then hang up.... or if that’s too abrupt you can say “ooooooooh, I’m sorry I can’t, really sorry, but I will see you soon, bye”. That should do it.

Honestly, if you keep trying to put this woman above your own needs, you would become even more depressed.

retirednow · 29/01/2018 19:00

You shouldn't have to be locking your door, I hope she doesn't just walk in. Pull the curtains and when you see her tell her not to bang on your window, bloody cheek.

Crazyladee · 29/01/2018 19:02

My god she is a CF!

To put it into context for you, my best mate is my next door neighbour and also a beauty therapist and even she charges me if I want my nails or brows doing. I wouldn't expect if to be any other way. She's running a business and I don't expect freebies.

Toast3 · 29/01/2018 19:03

You have definitely gone above and beyond and you’re clearly finding it difficult to back track. How about telling her that your children are not enjoying spending their only time with mum trawling around supermarkets so you are going to put their wishes first and do your shopping online in future. So, you won’t be able to take her anymore...
Be firm - your mental health and your family time are more important...
if she can afford 2 long haul trips a year she can afford a Taxi... good luck 😉

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/01/2018 19:03

I am so sorry. It must be so stressful

She is taking advantage of you big time. And to what end? She's driving you onto antidepressants and not taking your family out at the weekend. Where will it end?

I don't normally advocate this. But I wonder if your dp can help. You sound stressed enough as it is. Flowers

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2018 19:03

Next time her dc call

Go over and ask if they can take there mum shopping as your feeling overwhelmed with everything

hannahbanana2007 · 29/01/2018 19:04

Wow I hardly ever post on here but reading that made my blood boil and I had to reply! I work full time with 2 young kids and it's a struggle WITH my partner here in the evenings/weekends, so can't imagine how hard it is with him working nights etc! You have to be blunt - tell her that you are struggling working full time and you need the weekends to relax and focus on the kids, and that it makes them unhappy if you have to use that time to do chores. And repeat and repeat.. you have nothing to feel awkward about, it's the truth! It is not your problem or responsibility to look after this woman x

rowdywoman1 · 29/01/2018 19:05

Bless you Op, you sound lovely - and stressed and exhausted.
Can I suggest that you rehearse a few phrases so that when she next confronts you, you're ready. You don't need to explain, just say something like:
"I'm really busy next weekend, I've got lots to catch up on".

I can't talk now as 'the dinner is burning / the dog's being sick / I'm just helping child with homework" . etc. Smile and close the door.

Practice a vague smile and the famous mumsnet sentence 'No, that doesn't work for me'.

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying these - or say them out loud to the dog! If you've actually practiced saying the words, then when you're feeling stressed, you likely to use them in real life.

Good luck Flowers

retirednow · 29/01/2018 19:06

You need to get your partner to tell her to stop asking for your help, he doesn't need to go into details but just say you are unable to help anymore so please stop calling, knocking on our windows and doors. Your guilt is the only thing holding you back, you sound a very caring person and it's easy to get sucked into other people's lives when you should be concentrating on yours.

jaguar67 · 29/01/2018 19:06

Very simply, next time she asks, 'Sorry, I'm no longer able to help'. Block number, don't engage further. This woman is taking the proverbial.

HolyMountain · 29/01/2018 19:07

It really doesn’t matter if you offend her.

Be rude.
Be blunt.

No I won’t take you.
I’m busy, stop coming to my house.
Phone your family.
Leave me alone.

You have nothing to lose .

mickeysminnie · 29/01/2018 19:09

You have only lived there 6 months! She managed just fine before you. Stop letting her treat you like an unpaid skivvy
She is probably tellkng her children that she goes shopping with you in order to give you a hand with the children.
JUST STOP

Lana1234 · 29/01/2018 19:10

She has seen your kindness and taken the absolute piss of it. If you can then be blunt with her as others have suggested. If you don't feel comfortable with that then have your DP go round and tell her no more. Your mental health and your time off with your kids comes first.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 29/01/2018 19:10

You really need to send your DP round to talk to her and explain that you can't spend every free day ferrying her around and that she needs to lean on her own family a bit more. She'll either be fine and back off or be affronted and back off. Either way, she'll be out of your hair.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 19:12

Thanks for all the kind replies I really am trying this weekend was out of the ordinary me spending day with dad/kids on my own and it felt stress free and lovely I just need to persevere, I knew she would want to go shopping tomorrow, and it plays on my mind, building anxiety and making me feel so overwhelmed I think

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 29/01/2018 19:13

She's probably very lonely, and has latched on to you - and she may even be making these excusions up so she has an excuse for company. That said, you can't let her take over your life. I think a clear "if you want to go shopping to Asda this week, I can spare an hour on Wednesday at 11am but that's the only time I have free sadly". And repeat.

If you get a spare 10 minutes, pop in for a coffee and say hello though. Or perhaps encourage her to join some local groups or church activities.... my late FIL found a widow/widower group at his local church and it was the making of him finding others in the same situation. Also see if you have a local Dial-a-ride and give her the number.

Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 19:14

I knew she would want to go shopping tomorrow

Good for her. She can take the bus.

Much as I am all for looking after the vulnerable in our street, I am also for clear boundaries. She's taking the piss. And I say that as someone who keeps an eye on a few old ladies.

jellybeanteaparty · 29/01/2018 19:15

If you decide what help you are willing to give (if any) that may help you create a bit more of a boundary without feeling guilty. E.G Nails every other week. Shopping trip to a shop you want to g to only every other week max 1.5 hours trip.

Sprinklestar · 29/01/2018 19:16

Why are you putting her before your own health? Your family? Pls work on your self esteem. You owe her nothing and have every right to say no!