Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Good for you, standing up for yourself. She has been taking advantage of you for too long x

Well done! I had a whole family of CF neighbours like this who saw nothing of telling their kids to come over to our place while they went out, treating my house like a supermarket, asking for lifts, wanting to use our wifi and our address to get mail sent to.... We said no from the very beginning to most of those requests, but they never stopped. I wouldn't be surprised if this is not the last time you hear from her.

Hi there Spagbol
I hope that you have had a lovely Saturday. I was thinking about you today so though I would look in. All good wishes!

Well done OP.

I used to be someone who couldn't say no to people, then a workmate called me out on it one day. She said 'what's the worst thing that will happen if you say no?". I said 'well they probably won't speak to me again'. She said 'well that sounds like a good result to me'. It changed my thinking as I realised that there were some people in my life who were only in it because of what I could do for them, and my life wouldn't be any less by them not being in it.

This woman brings nothing to your life, and you will actually be better off without her in it. Give yourself the permission to say no.

Very late to this thread, but I think this is MN at it's finest. Some brilliant advice, and so lovely that OP has taken it and feels so much better.

Onwards and upwards for all!

This was a really beautiful thread to read - hardly a viper to be seen, just very sensible people with lovely and supportive advice which worked!!!!, and even though I should have been in bed ages ago, and have to be up at 7:30 tomorrow morning (eeek!) to everyone, especially spagbol

Hello all, yes I had a lovely Saturday, feel so much better. Thank you to all of you for helping me xx

Wow. I have only just found this thread so only read the OPs posts for the most part. What a CF and well done OP for growing a backbone and saying No. I hope you manage to continue saying no without having to schedule every minute of your spare time. I think I would find that almost as stressful as being at her beck and call for errands tasks and companionship.

Have a lovely Sunday

Thank you we’re currently out with children about to have lunch mom nom nom. Can’t tell you how different I feel. x

Has she been in touch this weekend OP? Do you think she's finally got the hint?
I'm so happy for you and I'm sure can already feel the difference in yourself with not having the stress from her hassling you.

Have finally caught self up (having read start of thread but not been sure had anything helpful-useful to say & thus Said Nothing) & am so v happy that you've been able to Say No And Stand Firm.

As far as going back onto fluoxetine is concerned, please see attached picture: What If We Treated Physical Illnesses Like We Treat Mental Ones? Medication is something to help you feel [& in the long-term, get] better; & going back onto it is a step forwards - you were able to identify for yourself the need for it before things spiralled out of control & you were pro-active about seeking help: those are big things.

It's really good you'll be having talking therapy too - definitely no time for CFN in your life while you do that, as it will take a lot of energy (& you may have Therapy Homework to do...) but even though therapy for something like this will be tough, it will be so SO worth it.

(As a side note, this thread has made me REALLY crave [veganified/pseudo-]spaghetti bolognese... not "veganified" in the joyless "let's pretend strands of courgette are pasta" way, just soya-mince not animal-mince etc.)

Wow thank you imperfect.

Hi spag, just wondering how you have been, i hope you are keeping warm in this cold weather.

I've just read your updates. Well done Spag. It wasn't easy for you to do but it's now done (and hopefully coming to an end). Look after yourself now

spagbol11

Geez get a grip and just say No, 2 year olds can say it, so why can't you?

Also you still have your own parents becoming old, obnoxious, and needy to look forward to, why start early with someone else's problem.

Ah apologies sounds like you already dug deep down and found your balls, so to speak.

Neither of my parents are obnoxious or needy, what a negative post.

this is why I choose to not talk to neighbours because majority will push it beyond the hi and bye

You're v welcome @spagbol11.

MH problems are woefully misunderstood/frequently ignored & dismissed - stunning example shortly after my post on this thread, in fact. Lots of 2yo think biting other people is ok/like to strip off & run round naked/throw kicking&screaming temper tantrums on the slightest provocation/otherwise engage in behaviour that is considered undesirable-but-understandable-due-to-age because they lack the reasoning, inhibition, life experience & understanding of social contracts of adults @NotAnotherEmma. We (in the majority of cases) grow up & stop screaming "no" at everything we don't like; & women (what a surprise) are still socially conditioned (broadly speaking) to be much more agreeable & tractable than men are. Various MH issues, particularly those stemming from childhood & adolesence, can make it feel impossible to say no to, or in any way discommode, others. You apologised (which is both rare, & commendable) but the wording of it doesn't suggest understanding/acknowledgement of spagbol11's MH issues. That might be purely due to brevity &/or you might have thought it obvious that was what you meant.

Perhaps you, or someone close to you, have/has [had] MH problems & for you/them, even when unwell, negotiating a situation like this wouldn't have been difficult. However, there's as much point in the "if I could do it..." of this as there is in me being angry at one friend for not recovering from breast cancer (AND getting secondary lung cancer) when our mutual friend did: as well as (obviously) there being a huge number of MH illnesses, they can have very different impacts on people's lives & express themselves very differently.

I'm instinctively averse to anything that might be construed as conflict thanks to The Crazy In My Head. Even challenging something someone else has said online. But I am hoping that by posting I might get you to see for some people it really isn't as simple as just saying no to people; & that briskly exhorting posters to just get on & do when the first post (let alone the rest of the posts by the OP) make it clear that MH issues are involved that will get (& clearly have got) in the way of that simple resolution to the issue. I don't think people shouldn't post in AIBU unless they can cope with robust responses is a helpful way of looking at this, either - a robust response is not much use unless it addresses the issues at hand; & simply telling someone with MH problems to just buck their ideas up doesn't do that.

I'm sure there were earlier posters (am afraid am not about to read the entire thread again) who also exhorted OP to woman up without much thought as to the nuances of the situation but the tone & timing of your post were both particularly striking, hence my reply. I have it in writing (from various MH professionals as opposed to anyone else) more than once just how very unspecial I think I am, please rest assured I'm not about to try setting myself up as The Thread Police, & really hope you don't think this is about attacking you/saying I think you're awful (not what I mean to do/I don't), because my aim was to try to explain that for lots of people there really is no "just" in the "stopping someone treating you badly" process, it's a huge thing. Not that I think my explanation is that good, but my hope is that something-is-better-than-nothing & it'll be even a wee bit useful to you & anyone else who reads it who naturally (& not unreasonably) leans to Just Get On With It.

ImperfectPirouette
Stunning post - thank you , you really have no idea how helpful (and comforting) I found it.

Great post Imperfect.

I find it quite demoralising that someone asks for advice with a genuinely difficult situation and gets called 'spineless' or told to "grow a backbone". Awful, aggressive language and there must be some really nasty bitches about. I hope they are kinder to their children.

Thank you all again

Omg u poor thing yes it's nice to help our elders neighbors but you are not a member of her family or a carer you are her neighbour she is expecting you to do everything with her you didn't agree to this I would go see her and tell her you can't drive around or go shopping anymore as you busy and have things to do with your kids you don't mind the odd time your not falling out with her and tell her to contact her children I don't think she is doing it as bad but she maybe don't have anybody and has seen you as someone close and she isn't getting the boundary but she is treating it as you are her beck and call and making u change plans you are going to make your self I'll I know its hard to have conversation but you really are member you are neighbors you have no responsibility

Bloody brilliant post Imperfect!

@NotAnotherEmma

I have two DDs who have been subject to serious forms of abuse because of their inability to say no. Both developed speech early and could speak in complex sentences at the age of two. Both have always been exceptionally articulate when speaking to people with whom they feel safe. Neither has had any problem pronouncing the word no.

Both have been phobic of conflict and unable to express their own needs, no matter the impact on them. This has been recorded in writing by professionals. Not one ever suggested that the problem could be solved by getting a grip.

To imply that an adult who finds conflict difficult and has turned to others for support to find a way to protect themselves is so lacking in maturity that they are intellectually inferior to a two year old demonstrates a stunning lack of theory of mind and basic social .

I get that this sort of behaviour can make you feel superior - maybe this is the only way you can achieve that - but you need to understand that your attitude is, at best, unpleasant and, more likely, harmful.

If you don't want to support other posters that's completely fine - just don't post on their threads. Don't pop in to get your kicks by dishing out snide, condescending comments designed to add to their distress.

Totally agree imperfect I'm just how you describe at times. I hate confrontation.