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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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jaxom · 29/01/2018 20:15

There are loads of CFN out there. A old couple across the way asked me for a lift to the pub one day, because the old woman doesn't drink very often and wants to drink with her DH instead of picking him up - I did it once, then I was asked again...then...
Four times in two months was enough, especially when they wanted me to give their mate a lift home too. I felt really upset that I had been literally taken for a ride as I was going through a vulnerable patch and they exploted it.

I simply said no, as I want to spend my rare, free time with my DP. They never asked again but the point of my message is that you have to grow a pair and be firm. No buts, or ifs, just no.

I'll say it again. Learn To Say No.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:16

Mummyoflittledragon- that is funny, my do bought me a takeaway at weekend and it’s very rare we have one but still, she was here when he brought it and she looked jealous and said, oh well I better go and male myself some chips. That is the type of comment I get.

I think I have somehow put the responsibility on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:18

jaxom- send me some of your strength please I just wish I could do it.

OP posts:
retirednow · 29/01/2018 20:18

Maybe she should male herselfShock might stop her coming round to your house

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:19

RunRabbit

Yes I feel like if I plan something it will ease me out of the situation leaving her to plan otherwise without constantly relying on me.

OP posts:
rowdywoman1 · 29/01/2018 20:20

Your house needs to become your refuge - so keeping her out of it will help.

Do see your GP but I'll bet that once she starts backing off, as you start being more assertive (can't talk now, I'm busy, slam) you'll start to feel better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2018 20:20

She was drooling over your food! The no food thing is a signal for shopping or to feed her. She’s not incapable. She clearly has a lot of energy.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:24

She has more energy than me definately I’m done in by 9pm every night,she will still be awake at midnight.

What do I do tomorrow- do I spend the day indoors after docs obvs or do I go out and avoid confrontation? My partner will be in until approx 2pm to help me if I struggle I suppose

OP posts:
retirednow · 29/01/2018 20:28

Not surprised you're tired, you're running around looking after her all day and worrying about it. Tomorrow, just go home after your appt, if she comes round get your partner to answer the door and tell her you are resting and to not bother you again. Are your children around tomorrow. Do you collect them from school, if so you could take them out for a while. Just ignore the phone calls, banging on windows and knocks on the door.

Jammycustard · 29/01/2018 20:30

Agree with retired, ignore her.

Do you like her?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:31

My son will be at school but my partner knows I’m struggling so has said he will take him to school my daughter is with me tomorrow but partner will watch her while I go to doctors. I’ve blitzed my house tonight after I finished work so could have a relatively calm day

OP posts:
FitzChivalry · 29/01/2018 20:33

Just because she's 70, doesn't mean you can't call her out as a CF. People like that always have someone they latch onto. Are there other neighbours you can ask?

retirednow · 29/01/2018 20:33

Have a relaxing day with your children tomorrow, please give it a go, she is dominating your life, I hope you find the strength, I know you will.

tattychicken · 29/01/2018 20:35

You plan something lovely with your children and focus on that. You choose them over her. She is asking you to prioritise her over your children, repeatedly. I'm quite a people pleaser, and struggle to say no to people but if it's something that will be to the disadvantage of my children, I find it much easier to be assertive.

eddielizzard · 29/01/2018 20:36

just remember she's had 70 years to hone her cf skills and she's using them to full advantage now.

you have to harden your gentle and kind heart. wish you were my neighbour - i'd make you a cup of tea and some cake. you need a rest.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/01/2018 20:39

You need some strategies for tomorrow.

What do you think she will do and how will you respond? We can help you think of ways if you are stuck.

If CFN weren't around tomorrow what would you do with your day?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:40

I will really try. Thank you everyone for being so kind. I really was unsure what the replies would be.

OP posts:
retirednow · 29/01/2018 20:41

Try singing yourself a mantra - I can do it, I can do it.

Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 20:43

Put a note on your door before you get yourself into bed with a cuppa and a biscuit:

DO NOT DISTURB
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
NO KNOCKING
NO RINGING
NO BANGING THE WINDOWS

and then get yourself comfy.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:44

Ok I would stay in my pyjamas until approx 9.30 which is lovely for me as I’m usually out the door with both kids by 7.50. My partner would take my son to school and me and daughter would do some playing and watch some tv. I would go to my doctors app and hopefully feel better once I’ve been, then we would probably make some cakes, if not too wet walk our dog to feed the ducks, then collect son from school, his friend is over for tea tomorrow so just do a little picky tea and play games.

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:45

If neighbour had her way I would be up drop son at school at 9, head to ALDI, Morrison’s, home bargains then come home do her nails and possibly hair then I’d pick Son up after a nightmare stressful day

OP posts:
retirednow · 29/01/2018 20:46

that sounds like a really lovely way to spend your day, don't let this woman ruin your life.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:46

Sorry those were for RunRabbit

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:46

Thanks retirednow that is a typical day I think

OP posts:
LimberlostGirl · 29/01/2018 20:47

"I'm not going shopping anymore I don't have the time and as its only ASDA I have to go to I am using their online shopping, its so much easier and the doctors told me I have to rest more, you know"

This. and don’t take her any more food over. If anyone needed a spa day it is you!

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