Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Just practice a really bright and cheery “sorry hun, that doesn’t work for me. Shall I text you a Taxi number?” Or “sorry hun, can’t do that. Have you asked your children?” Or “sorry hun, I can’t be doing free beauty treatments, if you want a mani it’s £15”

Agree with PPs, so she takes the huff with you, what’s the worst she’s going to do - not talk to you......

Plus no more freebie nails - ffs she can afford to go on at least two long haul holidays a year - can you?

She's really taking advantage of you, OP. (You sound lovely, by the way. So kind and helpful)

Each time she asks you to help, just say, "Sorry, I can't." Practise saying it to yourself before you meet her, so the words are ready to use. Don't elaborate, don't explain why, just tell her that you can't do whatever it is she is asking for. Then cut the conversation short and shut your door. If she knocks on your window, ignore her. You're not obliged to answer the door.

She'll get the message. You can't carry on like this.

OMG my dads 70!!

He takes ME shopping as I can't drive & when I'm ill he kindly does it for me... maybe I'm a CF daughter?!!

He feeds his neighbours 5 cats when they're away, goes for long cycle rides & is thinking of joining the gym...

Basically 70 is hardly elderly anymore, so don't let this woman kid you.

Perhaps her children don't take her shopping because you do?
Either way you have to think of yourself & your own health.

My Dads 87 and he takes me shopping to Costco cos I can’t handle their trolleys, he then loads my car for me ..... omg just realised I’m ‘that daughter’

He really is bloody marvellous for his age

latara your Dad sounds quite a catch!

OP, tell her to stop knocking on your windows as well as it’s upsetting your dog.

So )P, are you ready for your day off?
"No time to go shopping today - I have an appointment / lots to do / will only be calling in to Asda on my way home from a friend's house" etc etc.

"No time to talk today - I need to catch up on...... Cheerio. Slam. (make coffee and chill)

just tell her to fuck off?

YABVU for letting her use you like this. Just say no and keep saying it.

OP you sound really kind. Put yourself first, you deserve it!

You need to be firm I'm afraid. Just say sorry, you're too busy and keep repeating. My mother did this to her neighbours - wanted them to take her shopping, then to the shops she wanted to go to - and she'd just buy one or two things so that she could repeat it the next day.
Her children visit every week and can shop for her, or with her, or do an online shop. The longer this goes on the harder it will be to break her "habit" of relying on you

I have not meant to put her before my own mental health however it has got out of hand and the spare time I have has ended up revolving around her, for the commenters saying tell her to F**k off that’s not helpful if you rtft.

Tell her "I'm not going shopping anymore I don't have the time and as its only ASDA I have to go to I am using their online shopping, its so much easier and the doctors told me I have to rest more, you know"
Any other requests you are resting as you need all your energy for the days you work.
Your kindness and generosity do you credit but you are being taken advantage of OP

You can not carry on like this. I think you need to practice what you want to say to her and then you will feel prepared. I would say something along the lines of 'no I am too busy'. And just keep repeating yourself.

I would also just start be honest and she can't argue with that! Next day off just tell her 'I am exhausted and intend to spend the day in my pyjamas and being in my own company'.
I bet if you withdraw she will manage perfectly without you. You could even turn the tables and start asking her for very unreasonable favours e.g yes, sure I'll take you shopping but I will need you to help pay for my MOT to keep the car on the road. Also, please can you have my children for the weekend so I can relax

I am really trying to put a stop to it- for example I told my ds today one of my days off we will go swimming now every week. However it’s the guilt I feel when she asks what are we doing today. And now I have lied about tomorrow and I hate lies

wheretoyougonow-
This is what I have been trying to do. But she still isn’t getting the hint.

My partner did mention to her the other week Let’s say my name is molly- molly is stressed out at the moment so she’s doing the shopping online feel free to give us a list and you can just pay for it once delivered/ not good enough.
I think I’m ready to stand my ground and be strong I just need to find the strength

Op - it's the guilt that she's using to hook you in.
Please don't worry about being unkind - you are NOT.
You are just putting yourself and your family first in the face of a CF neighbour.
Just look at this thread - mumsnet is rarely unanimous but here we - unanimously telling you you are NOT being unreasonable.

You lied for a reason and that's because you literally don't know how to say no to her.

When you feel anxious it is much harder to process thought and find ways to say new things, especially if they are things that are awkward and may make your anxiety higher.

Like another poster has said, you need to stand in front of a mirror and practise saying no.

Imagine the conversations, work out your responses to the things she is likely to say and literally practise your answer over and over. This will literally create paths in your brain that will help you recreate those responses when she approaches you in real life.

"Oh I'm afraid I can't do that. I am very busy today."

"I've done my shopping online and won't have time to drive to a supermarket today. Would you like me to show you how to do an online grocery order? I can set up your favourites and then you can order any time you like."

"I've promised to take the children swimming today. Shall I pop round later and show you how to do the online shopping I told you about?"

"I have a shed load of housework to catch up on today so I'm not going out in the car."

Practise, practise, practise.

How about 'oh hi xxx, I've decided to do my shopping online from now on so I can spend more quality time with the kids'

(you don't have to tell her any time you nip out for a few extras)

Then if she presses you on anything including a future date in 6 months time, your answer is that you have decided that the evenings/weekends need to be more devoted to family time.

If you want to be passive aggressive you could also try 'can't anyone else/your family member x help you?' with a little head tilt

not good enough.

What do you mean by that? I mean, your neighbour has no say in it. She can either let you do online shopping for her, or there is no shopping.

Don't speak to her, don't tell her your day off, just say no, end of
No excuses no explanations, just no.
Read Ann Dixon, a woman in your own right