Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

You need to knock this on the head now or it will get worse. Sounds horrible but as this lady gets older her needs will get more and really her DC should be the ones stepping up. ‘It’s not convenient’ is a good response I find. Only the excessively rude will ask why.

Four months after I moved house there was a knock on the door and a elderly chap standing there asking if the previous house owner’s husband was at home as he needed a light bulb changed. He was visibly annoyed to hear they had moved and not told him. I went over and sorted him out but mentioned to someone else who laughed hollowly and said not to get involved. He is notorious for sucking people into his house and then producing a list of things needing doing.

She’s taking the piss. I’m afraid you need to be firmer, tell her she can come with you to X supermarket if she’s free at the time you’re going but you’re not going anywhere else as you don’t have time. Even that is a nice neighbourly favour and going above and beyond.

The issue with people like her is they will keep pushing the limits of what they can get by asking for a tiny bit more each time, you might not notice at first but then you list all the things you do (as you have on this post) and realise the extent they’ve pushed you.

If you don’t feel comfortable being firm with her, just lie and say you don’t have time/are doing something else. Tell her you can write down taxis number for her if you like, but don’t let her push you.

Fucking hell op she is making you mentally ill, and taking you for an absolute mug.

You know it is perfectly OK to just say "No" right??

If she is capable of long haul travel, then, no matter her age, she is perfectly capable of going shopping.

Stop doing things for her.

Next time she asks...."No I can't do that anymore"

That's it.

She is proper ripping the piss.....time to get angry op.

Just say no. You can't be dedicating your weekends to taking her here there and everywhere at the expense of your dcs and downtime. As for her being taken aback that you planned to spend your day off with your dad instead of doing things for her, she's completely batshit, it's her children's place to do things for her not yours.

Even if she was your mother it'd be unreasonable for her to be expecting lifts to several shops and complaining that you want to take your dcs swimming instead of chauffering her round the shops.

Asking for a lift to a hospital appointment or to the shop as a one off is one thing but treating you as a free taxi service is quite another. If she can take the train to a city to spend the day shopping then she can call a taxi, and afford to pay for it, to get her home from the station. She's obviously capable of getting herself to the shops and has money enough to go on shopping days so she can either take a bus or taxi to wherever she needs to go.

You sound lovely OP but unfortunately it’s now resulted in ‘welcome’ being invisibly tatooed on your forehead....visible to your neighbour though. Say no from now on and explain if you need to. You are not a taxi service nor a free beauty provider, nor her dc, who she may feel should be doing those things.

Maybe she has told her family that you do everything so they dont need to, people can be sly. They may have offered but were told your already agreed to take her. Would you feel confident speaking with her family next time you see them and explain the situation and that you will no longer be helping her.

Christ OP, she's a CF! The fact she doesn't appear to be infirm or incapable makes it even worse. Withdraw your free services immediately!
The only thing I can say in her favour is that behind her gross piss-taking, she might be lonely. My town has a local befriending service, volunteers are matched with the elderly according to what they need, be it shopping, gardening, DIY or even just a bit of company. Either see if such a thing exists where you are and give her the info or suggest she finds something like that for herself. Saying that, her own kids would be a good start.
Try not to get drawn in to a protracted break up either, she's already taking advantage of your good will and if you're feeling fragile you could just be left with more guilt & commitments to her... Enough! Hope you feel better x

Retired-
The problem is it’s making my days off unbearable and really stressful and I’m actually beginning to rather be at work. I’m finding everything so overwhelming and I don’t want to go back downhill being depressed/not eating etc as I can’t do that to myself/kids again. I did put my foot down this weekend due to me just having enough and taking to my children about what we actually should be doing on my days off. however I have a holiday day tomorrow due to docs/ she knows this and has just been to see me to see what time we were going shopping. (She doesn’t know I’m at docs however knows I have days holiday)

No no no no no

Avoid and be vague, avoid some more. You're being a doormat. Big girl pants and a big deep breath and noooooooooooo

So I then feel obliged, but I also think why couldn’t they take her if they have traveled to see her anyways

STOP FEELING OBLIGED.

She can probably do it herself....
Bet her kids don't offer because they know she can do it herself....or are sick of her taking the piss.

YOU OWE THIS PISSTAKING CHEEKY FUCKER WOMAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

So she expects you to spend every moment of your free time with her - not just with her but doing errands for her.

Anyone reasonable would know that’s not on. What did you say to her?

I would tell her your going to docs, don’t give any more information but say you need to rest the rest of the day.

If she isn't listening, can you just not answer the weekly calls or the the door? You are not obliged to do either.

Do you have a husband or partner that could speak to her. Just be strong, are you happy to call her this evening and say you have an appointment so are unable to take her shopping and try not to tell her any of your personal business any more, I know it's hard.

I don’t feel confident talking to her family especially not at the moment how I’m feeling and they only visit once a week if that. I suppose I started off feeling for her been lonely I often take her meals round and soups etc what I make for my family’s lunches/teas and I just assume I’ve done far too much. So I’m probably going to have to carry on putting my foot down- Saying that she has a huge family who have a lot more spare time than what I have.

Try and avoid her as much as possible don't feel obliged to tell her your plans, gradually distance yourself the more you say no the more she'll have to ask other people

Ok I think you’re going to have to be really blunt with her now.

‘I’m sorry but we seem to have got into a habit of you expecting me to give you lifts instead of using other transport. This doesn’t work for me any more and I won’t be able to do it from now on’. Any ‘but why’ questions need to be answered with ‘because I’m not able to any more....now if you’ll excuse me I need to ........insert crucial job here........’. CF!

OP, are you a single parent? You are not mentioning what your partner says about this situation.

I am ashamed to say I lied, I was trying to sort kids out ready for bed, partner works nights so she knows I’m alone and stressed I imagine- I told her I had to take my car to the garage for a new tyre OMG I’m losing my mind I need to get a grip

Next time she comes with you say you need to detour before shops and take her to soft play for two hours then go swimming and make her sit and wait. Then take her to the shops. I’m sure she’ll get sick of that soon enough.

Tell her you aren't going shopping tomorrow. It's hard to do, especially the first time, but you have to stand up for yourself and say no. It gets easier after the first time and she should get the message eventually.

Don't let her set your mental health back, it's not fair to you or your dcs.

Making ex uses and pretending to be busy will not work with this woman.

You need to tell her straight ' I cannot take you shopping anymore or give you lifts or pick you up from appointments or the train station. I have my own family, children and job that keeps me very busy and I feel you have been taking advantage of me so I've decided to say no to all favours from now on.'

I have a partner but he works long hours and hasn’t had a day off in about 4 weeks so I am always busy at home sorting kids/housework washing etc I’m in a lot more than he is

I feel like I am not mentally strong enough to do this though I am feeling really overwhelmed with the whole situation

Do not disturb sign on your door?!

Bloody hell OP this is ridiculous. My 80 yr old neighbour wouldn't dream of putting upon anyone in this way.

She is a cheeky fucker of the highest order.

Please learn to say "no that doesn't work for me" "no sorry I have other plans".