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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/01/2018 20:44

Let's hope these folks get their chips.

@CrustyCobs I love a pun! Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/01/2018 20:52

Be prepared for her to possibly start pulling some guilt trips on you, possible fake illness, family don't care etc. You have to be strong.

This ^ as Seagreen says. BUT you have done the hardest bit - the first time is the most difficult. If you can do this, you can do ANYTHING!

You're playing a blinder! Keep up the good work. And if you start to weaken . . . WE ARE HERE!

And remember - this is for her good, too. She should not be parasitising other people - she will be much happier if she can bring herself to be as independent as possible.

rowdywoman1 · 31/01/2018 21:07

Yay! Congratulations OP.
I bet that felt good.

She'll now either be in a real huff ad will back off or will soon 'reframe this'. So wait for the "Are you feeling better Spagbol? When are we off to the shops next?"

Be prepared.... Grin

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 31/01/2018 21:07

That's brilliant OP. Well done on your confidence to tell her. Hopefully this will give her hints this attitude of hers will not be tolerated anymore

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 21:11

SchadenfreudePersonified

I know I know Grin I should of checked what the emergency was

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 21:13

Yes had a good chat with dp he is going to have a word with her tomorrow and explain the situation. So hopefully it might sink in. He won’t beat about the bush he’s very straightforward

OP posts:
mumznet · 31/01/2018 21:27

I would talk to her adult children so that they can take some responsibility. let her children know that you are unable to always be there for her. It could be she needs someone although she seems capable she could be lonely at this age which many elderly people are in our country.

retirednow · 31/01/2018 21:34

Good luck for your dp tomorrow, put a time limit on his visit, you can ring him after a agreed time say 15mins, he can have it on land then tell her he has to go now as he needs to answer this call. She can call her own family to let them know you are not around to pander anymore and let them sort it out.

Goodasgoldilox · 31/01/2018 21:42

Well done OP - you have been superb (even before the tablets are working).

Keep some taxi cards close to your door. If she comes round for a lift with excuses that start to make you feel weak give her one of them and keep saying 'no'.

Keep working on giving your 'no' without explanation or excuse. It is a habit to get into. (No it is not convenient. No it is not possible. No it can't be done...)

Appuskidu · 31/01/2018 22:00

What a total piss taker.

browneyes77 · 31/01/2018 23:09

Brilliant stuff! Well done!! Flowers

OnTheRise · 01/02/2018 07:17

Yes had a good chat with dp he is going to have a word with her tomorrow and explain the situation.

The only explanation he has to give her is that you won't be helping her out anymore, and she's not to bother you. The more you explain that you're ill or tired or too busy the more she'll come to you with excuses and arguments. Just tell her no.

And once again, well done!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 01/02/2018 07:43

Thanks mumsnetters yes i think he knows we have to draw the line here, my problem is now she will see me shopping myself but no my problem I suppose x

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 01/02/2018 07:44

She will and she will try and make you feel so guilty about it. Know that and prepare for it. She is not your responsibility.

Appuskidu · 01/02/2018 07:50

Not that it’s your problem, but does she have friends? Who does she go on these holidays with?

Anyone that uses and iPhone, iPhone and MacBook, goes on long-haul holidays and orders their cosmetics online is perfectly capable of doing their own shopping.

I’m just surprised it’s taken you this long to see how selfish she is. Glad you’ve seen the light though now. I actually would start getting online shopping done now (because it’s so bloody easy when you have kids) and say-
‘sorry, I plan to never go ‘manual’ shopping again now. I’m going to virtual shop all the way, and look after myself-I can’t think of anything worse than spending a while Day traipsing around the shops! I’ll refer you to Tesco and we might both get a code! Bye’

Original poster
spagbol11 · 01/02/2018 10:28

Yes she has a few friends who she goes on the shopping trips away with say to York Edinburgh etc. She goes on holidays with her family.

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 01/02/2018 11:12

Well done OP! Stay strong! Loads of good advice here but please don't feel you should set up her online shopping, arrange transport or anything else - she has an iPad, iphone etc and manages to buy stuff online so can clearly use the internet. Just stay well away from her full stop. So pleased for you!

Appuskidu · 01/02/2018 11:42

Has she stayed away today?

She’s treating you like her staff!!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2018 12:10

The fact that she seemed to give up so easily and said she'd have to call her DiL says to me that this isn't the first time someone has put their foot down about being her maid of all work! She may try you once or twice more but then she'll be on to the next person she can get to run her round.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 01/02/2018 12:15

Hi all soz been busy at work, no sign of her today, partner has text he decided against going to talk to her as when he was about to go her sons Car was outside. So I think (I hope ) they have taken her shopping

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 01/02/2018 12:16

I hope from our phone conversation she realise how stressed I am. I’m feeling calmer already though and I’m actually looking forward to my days off x

OP posts:
retirednow · 01/02/2018 12:20

Let's hope this sorry saga is now over, enjoy your days off, you deserve themGrin

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/02/2018 12:21

Just reading your latest update - it might have been a missed opportunity to raise this with her son in earshot. Like "Hi Mary, I wanted to pop over to let you know that we won't be able to bring you shopping any more and you should be contacting your children to do your shopping for you. Oh, hello Brian. I didn't see you there. I was just saying to your mum that we're no longer going to be able to do her shopping for her or bring her shopping in the future or do her running around for her. Can you set her up with an online milk delivery service for that please? You can? That's great. Well, I'll be off and you're in capable hands here with Brian now Mary. He'll be sure to look after his mother now, Bye!"
Or words to that effect. (names have been changed as I have no idea what their real names are) Grin

Original poster
spagbol11 · 01/02/2018 12:23

Yes good idea but I think it’s missed as he had gone straight to work. He is as bad my partner he runs out with the bins incase she’s outside to grab him for jobs she wants doing

OP posts:
retirednow · 01/02/2018 12:31

This woman is taking over your life, forget all about her, she is causing you and your dp unnecessary stress and she doesn't deserve this amount of attention.