Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Thats a fantastic update! And it was a proper "Im not doing that any more" as well, not just a "I cant do it today because [reason]". Well done!

It wouldnt surprise me if you end up coming back off the tablets again once she has really gotten the message and stopped hassling you - I think anyone would struggle under that kind of relentless pressure!

Yes I’m only on day 2 of my tablets unsure wether I’m feeling better because of them or because I have put my foot down time will tell

You rock OP!

Please don't worry about using the pills. If it was any other illness you wouldn't worry - if you had a bad thyroid for example - so please don't think you shouldn't take these. It's just as tool, not a judgement.

You found your anger OP. Well done you x

Update, I did my food shop alone, it took 20 minutes even had time to nip to butchers on way home- and totally stress free I feel like a new woman

Yay we’ll done Op

Huzzah! :)

I would decide what you are happy to do, and what is unacceptable.
Is she lonely?
Could you say something like, 'I do like to see you. I'm happy for you to come for a coffee on Friday evenings while I do your nails and chat, but my life is very busy right now and I can't take you out or pick you up anymore.'
You can set the parameters of your relationship without cutting her out altogether.
After all, you will still have to see her as you are neighbours

Yes hazel I wouldn’t want her to be lonely however she is taking up an extreme amount of my time and I can not balance it, I won’t take her shopping any longer I am happy for her to come for a coffee, She adores my kids and she is lovely but it’s all just too much

My ndn is a pest, always looking over our fence, trying to have a look through the window, we have nothing to do with him, no contact, no phone calls, no popping in for chats. We are all so proud of you, you sound so positive.

You can set the parameters of your relationship without cutting her out altogether.
Yes, but right now it needs to be made clear to her that the relationship does not involve OP being an unpaid skivvy, and the only way to do that is for OP to draw right back (plus OP needs the space!!). Better (I'd say) to establish the distance and then when she's grasped the new boundaries introduce normal neighbourliness.
Well done OP though!!!!

it needs to be made clear to her that the relationship does not involve OP being an unpaid skivvy, and the only way to do that is for OP to draw right back

This, if you start off doing even some of it, she'll barge right back in pushing for all of it. I would even say be careful with what you say to her at first otherwise your casual "I have an afternoon off at last!" will be taken as "come round and insist that I must take you shopping".

You need to start off really firm on basically nothing, and you can then choose to relent if and when you want. I wouldnt offer to keep doing her nails, and certainly not every week for free!

Shes a neighboour not a friend - you have no obligation to provide an afternoon a week or free nails/hair.

Are you starting to grow the teensiest seedling of guilt, OP?

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, you are getting your old mojo back, if you want to socialise with her in the future then you can but for now enjoy the peace and quiet and look forward to pampering yourself and your family.

Oh I agree, retired. I'm just sensing it from the OP's last post.

Yes I do and always will feel guilty about the silliest of things it’s just how I am. I can not go back now though

Good that you can't go back.

No, the only way is forward now.

Well done OP! Just rtft and it's so SATISFYING to read your update. Why the fuck does she need to call ANYONE to help her get shopping though! Unless you live in a remote mountaintop with no transport options, why can't she just bloody well go on her own? Grrr

I hope she gets the message and leaves you alone now. If not, see if you can be really rude to her just once, she'll never speak to you again.

Have a lovely Saturday!

Hope you have a wonderful, relaxing day today :)

Thank you everyone, I’m just making sausage butties, then eldest going to a birthday party from 12-6 and me and youngest going swimming, and maybe a snoop round shops for something tasty for tea.

Well done OP, and enjoy your weekend with your family!!!!

You're brilliant - well done! You seem like such a lovely person which is why she's taking complete advantage. Keep saying 'no' to anything for now until she realises she no longer has the upper hand - on the odd occasion when you want company or want to help, then you decide when and if and only then . If you fall for any of her requests again, she'll think she's back in the driving seat. You take back control bit by bit and enjoy your life!