New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

You breastfeeding a second child will not put your first child in any better or worse position.

There isn’t a causal effect.

This is a non-problem.

How bizarre.

Tell him that all any parent can do for their children is offer them the best we can with the information we have at the time.

I can understand and have sympathy with some reasons why a man wouldn't want their partner to breastfeed (eg you could argue it makes it harder for the man to bond with the child), although it is still the woman's final decision.

But this is a stupid reason!

If you want to bf do it.

Oh, ffs

What a load of nonsense.

Your body, your decision. You'll be the one feeding the baby all day when he's at work so it's your decision alone. Not breastfeeding even though you acknowledge it's better for your baby and you WANT to (the most important part) just because your first son wasn't breastfed is the most bizarre argument. It won't impact your son in any way how the new baby is fed?

Your dp is an idiot.

Ridiculous reason, that’s no logic. You want to and it’s your body. No two siblings have identical upbringings, there a pros and cons to being older or younger. Your DS had the benefit of your undivided attention!! Feed the baby how you like but you can’t worry about perfect fairness; we all do the best we can for each baby at the time, depending on our circumstances. Plus, tell him it’s free so there will be more money for both children!!

He's being ridiculous

He is being ridiculous. BF a future child does not take away anything from your DS, that ship sailed a long time ago.

And FWIW I think the benefits of breastfeeding are huge for the family too- it's cheaper for a start. And you won't be faffing washing up, sterilising, boiling kettles etc when you could be spending time with DS. Fewer colds/viruses/better immunity mean less time with an ill baby and more fun/attention for DS.

And really, honestly, it's not that big a deal. I've BF my son for nearly a year (still going!) and at an individual level there is so little difference between him and his FF friends.

My mum bf me for a few weeks, tried with my brother and had to bottle feed as he was losing too much weight, didn't bother trying with my youngest brother.

I can't say it has made the slightest bit of difference. I don't think my brothers would even be aware, it only came up in conversation with my mum when I was struggling to feed my own dd. I don't think it would occur to them to be bothered!

I don't think it really matters does it? I think your dp is thinking too much into it. I'd love to do it again with this one if I can, it would never occur to me not to just because I didn't succeed with dd.

That's so stupid I can't even formulate a response

I hope he’s not normally so dense. Obviously YANBU for wanting to breastfeed.
Perhaps he shouldn’t consider having another child now until he can recreate the same, presumably difficult, financial circumstances having a bay at 19 entails. Otherwise it’s not FAIR

Hmm, I think your dp is going to have to quickly get himself up to speed. Every child is different, but to show them love equally is to always do the best you can for each at the time the opportunity presents itself for you to do so.

You did the best you could/were able to do for your dc1 at the time of his babyhood. It wouldn't be fair to make a choice you believe to be less than your best for dc2, just because you love the first one so much.

Are you going to go back to living on less money because you had less when your dc1 was a baby? Nope, because that would be SILLY. Your dp will come around, no doubt.

First children usually develop faster than second children, so tell him you're just evening it out

He's an idiot btw

He is being completely childish. It sounds like you've grown up a lot more in the past 6 years than he has

I don't understand this at all. Your DP is making up a problem that doesn't exist.

I bottle fed my first DD (now nearly 3) and now pregnant with number 2, who I am hoping to breastfeed. It has no bearing on my DD whatsoever! She is happy, healthy and thriving and had formula. My next child will be happy, healthy and thriving no matter how it is fed. In fact I am almost the opposite, with complete support from my husband - I will try and breastfeed as I do want to, but if I want to stop, that's entirely my choice and my husband fully supports however I want to feed.

Your DP sends you text messages about how to feed your hypothetical future baby?

Isn't that a bit like saying DC1 needs glasses, let's poke DC2 in the eye until they do? I'd say it's got bugger all to do with DS or your DP - it's your choice. If you feel strongly that you want to, your DP "not allowing"you to is going to cause more issues than whatever he thinks DC2 is going to gain by being bf when DS1 wasn't (and this is very unlikely to be quantifiable)

You say you are more financially secure now - should you only be spending the same amount on DC2? So same amounts on pram/cot/car seat? Oh but if DC1 didn't get handmedowns because they were the eldest, do you have to buy all new for DC2 as well? How is this going to work long term?

Each of your children is going to have qualities and advantages that the other will not. That whole juggling thing is part of parenthood.

Wow he’s a moron

eg you could argue it makes it harder for the man to bond with the child),

You could argue it but you’d be wrong.

If you want to and he’s insistent you don’t, then you have a big problem to sort before any baby is arriving

Well that's just stupid. One the reasoning that one child was disadvantaged so you are going to purposefully deprive the second as well. And two the idea that breastfeeding makes any real difference to children. It doesn't have any long term effect on children (although it does pose long term benefit for mothers). Choosing whether to bf or ff is a question of convenience. I would actually call bs on your husband's arguments, I think that he has an ulterior motive.

There’s all sorts of things you’ll do differently for number two, because you have learnt from number one and because he is number two (eg You'll have to split your attention)

Breastfeeding number two will have no impact on what you did for number one.

Jesus he sounds unhinged. You breastfeeding a second child will have no effect on your first child.
Lots of second children I know were bf when the first either wasn't or was for a shorter time.
My db was bf for 2 weeks and I was for 4 months.
Feeding a baby isn't the same as loving a baby. If you can and want to bf then that's great, doesn't mean you love your first child any less.
I actually really don't think men should have any say over how a baby is born or how a baby is fed. To me these are exclusively female things although I know that might not be a popular view

My ex didn't want me to bf. infact he said "your not breastfeeding this one" (had bf my older 2) I ignored him.