New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

It may be your DPs child but is totally not his decision to make. It is yours and yours alone.

WTF, your DP already has a golden child before you've had a second.
Dont have any further children with him until you sort this out, because you risk the second child being his scapegoat.

Tell him to fuck off until he learns to spell.

you could argue it makes it harder for the man to bond with the child

The only way that could happen is if you have a very lazy DP.

Weird. I FF my twins, I am (still) BF'ing third DC at 2 yrs. I don't love them differently, I don't honestly think it will make much difference long term as so many other things in life will impact them more. Fed is best, and that's the end of it! Do what YOU want and can do.

This is absolutely ridiculous. As if your elder child will give a hoot. Tell you DH to get over himself and work out what his issue is (because it is his issue). You are carrying this baby. You are giving birth. Do what YOU want. This is ridiculous.

It is very, very common for parents about to have their second child to worry that they wont have enough love for a sibling. They love their first SO much they cannot imagine feeling that for another.
Perhaps this is just your OH's way of expressing this common concern?
He is thinking of the second child as just another person rather than understanding he will adore and want the best for this one too.

Well I've never heard anything so ridiculous!
And as for DH telling you what to do with your own body, and what is best for your baby, words fail me.

Is your DH always such a controlling bully?

You did the best you could at the time which is all a mother ever can do. It wouldn't be unfair to your ds to breastfeed this child, or at least try. It would be more unfair to make a conscious decision not to in my opinion.

I know someone who is doing exactly that. It's a dc with a new partner and she was worried her older dc would feel like she wasn't loved as much. I thought it was a bit daft but she's not the sort of person you can question because she'll never speak to you again.

Not sure the big deal, I was 22 with baby no1, tried to feed but his tongue tie caused so much pain I gave up I also was incredibly anemic after I had him so he ended up being bottle fed. No2 born when ds1 was 4, bf was a struggle but fed for a year loved it. No3 was in NICU and ended up being bottle fed and also has a severe tongue tie, baby no 4 also has a tie but took to bf feeding beautifully and we stopped at 15 months.
I still miss it.

All 4 boys are ‘my whole world’ not bf 2 doesn’t make them any less loved and cherished than those who I managed to feed. My dh certajkty wouldn’t have told me not to feed, he has a wonderful bond with his sons, he fed, bathed, changed & played with them, that’s what creates the bond.

Say you want to try, see how it goes, enjoy it

you could argue it makes it harder for the man to bond with the child

The dad can wind baby, have baby sleep on his chest, change nappies and bath baby. My dh even helped me position ds to try and get him to feed.

He doesn't want you to breastfeed for another reason that he is not articulating to you. He's just using this as an excuse Because he doesn't want to say the real reason. You can try to talk to him and find out what his real reason is.

OP, your latest post is causing little bells ringing in my ears.

You had your DS at 19, meaning you were with this man when you were 18 or possibly younger. Meaning he was already in his early 30s when you met, if he's 15 years older than you. That's a warning flag right there.

And you say he thinks he knows best, simply because he's older, and trying to dictate how you feed a future baby. Another warning. Along with the implication in your posts that you do most of the work.

I'm not jumping straight into LTB, but really you need to have a good hard look at your relationship before having another child.

"OP, your latest post is causing little bells ringing in my ears."

And has red flags all over it. Please think about this very carefully.

His reasons are so crazy that I wonder if he's not being genuine about them and he actually has another reason for not wanting you to breast feed...

He's being an absolute twerp! I hope this very weird logic of his is a one off.

So he is around 40 and you are still in your mid-20s?

He doesn't get to dictate how you do or don't feed a new baby, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm older than him and I would tell him to FTFO and go take his little commands elsewhere, but then again he isn't man enough to deal with a woman as an equal, he chose you because you were young and thought he knew it all.

Thank god you are still only considering a 2nd child, id say your OH attitude must be the best form of contraception there is.

This is where your previously teenage eyes are beginning to open, I expect that he will crack down on you now that you are getting an opinion

Be VERY aware of what is being said to you. You are a mother, a young woman and the world is at your feet, you don't need to be told what to do by anyone.

There is something very uncomfortable about the thought of a 33 year old getting an 18 year old pregnant.

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

Oh lord.... lets hope your baby never needs Calpol, or a plaster cast or an operation or is invited to a party, school trip etc without it's sibling.

I'm with Bluntness on this one. There is a reason he doesn't want you to breastfeed, you just don't know it yet. And the reason is to do with how this affects him personally.

So you got together when you were very young, he’s much older so thinks he’s wiser, he thinks he has a right to dictate on matters regarding your OWN BODY, and he does minimal actual childcare. (Why would it be YOU doing all the bottle feeds?). Wow. Welcome to the red flag factory.

OP, the reason those alarm bells were ringing for me is that I was 18 and naive, met a nearly 26 year old, and I took decades to get free. DCs both have mental health issues, and I feel guilty I never got them away before. He also acted like he knew better than I did.

Mumoftwo, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm only in my late 20s and though I might look at an 18 or 19 y/o man or woman (swing both ways) and think "wow" the thought of pursuing them for a relationship leaves me rather cold. A lot happens between 18 and 25 or so, I feel like a different person.

Ds1 bottle and next two were breast. Saves money - can buy ds1 an extra somthing