New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

Hmmm, my view has changed since realising this is a man who is pushing 40. Sorry.

What happens if your DS wants to do X club/activity when he is older but your new child wants to do Y club as they like a different activity. Does your new child not get to do Y activity as DS didn’t. You don’t need to treat children the same to treat them fairly. Your DS won’t be disadvantaged however your new baby is fed! You DP is weird!

I would not be having another child with him, and seriously considering a future with this controlling man.

Your dp is a dick.

Just talk to him, there are some good points here - especially the one about the new baby having to share attention, and the means of feeding him/her having no effect at all on the older child.

But if he's determined - he gets the privilege of night feeds! Instead of you just whipping out a boob he can stagger downstairs at arsehole o'clock to make up the bottles...I assume he has already decided he would be thrilled to do the night feeds, hmm?

He's not one of those idiots who thinks his wife's breasts belong to him and doesn't want to share them with a baby, is he?

I'd be showing him this sharpish.

You can't treat two children exactly the same - I can't even do that with my twins! Children are different and life changes. Your second child will have many different experiences to the first.

Are there other things you did with your DS you wouldn't do that you could use as an example to show him that lots of things would be different just because you are.

He's not controlling, but he is 15 years older, so thinks he knows better, we'll have a few words about this I'm sure because he's mentioned it in the past and I've not agreed but then I've said I don't want another child!

I am sorry (OK, not really sorry) to tell that about the father of your future child but he is a controlling twat.

He impregnated a teenager when he was in his 30s? Only inadequate men seek out teenagers as partners and a big draw is the power imbalance therefore ability to control. Impregnation adds further to the imbalance of power.

Just smile and say 'It's not up to you and there's nothing further to discuss.' You've listened to him; you don't agree, and he doesn't get to make the decisions.

My sister was bottle fed, my brother and I were breast fed. I didn't even know this until 2 months ago when I was trying and failing to breastfeed my own baby. It really isn't an issue feeding your children differently, there's no "unfairness". If breastfeeding is important to you tell him to butt out.

He's not controlling, but he is 15 years older, so thinks he knows better

That's not on. My DH is a good whack older than me, but never thinks that means he knows better unless it's about 1970's music.

If you were dirt poor, living in a bedsit when DS was a baby but had won the lottery and could afford to move now would you refuse because both kids need identical starts?

What if dc1 came at 30 weeks? You wouldn't try to go into premature labour to even it out.

He is being ridiculous

Ok, so doing the math, your DP was nearly mid 30’s when you were pregnant with your first as a teenager?

Your DP thinks he knows best about things as he is older than you.

You have problems you need to sort out and not just the argument re breastfeeding.

So did you have this discussion? What happened?

I breastfed my first for 17 hours. I breastfed my second for 10 months.

I dislike them both the same.

No but seriously it's a bizarre issue for him to have. Breastfeed if you want to breastfeed.

But second children are at a disadvantage anyway. They have to fit into the first dc routine and they dont get so much 1 on 1 time with parents as the pfb did. By your dps thinking you absolutely should breastfeed as your ds1 has a big advantage over a sibling anyway with however many sibling free years!

Your dp is being an idiot in short.