New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

I cannot understand it at all. The logic is totally flawed

Is he going to follow this rule for the whole of DC2's life? eg we couldonly afford supermarket clothes for DS1 so even though we could afford more, we won't buy them for DC2 because it's "not fair" etc etc or "I remember we shouted at DS1 on this day of his life so we must shout at DC2 today as well" or whatever. It's bonkers

Surely it's "not fair" to disadvantage DC2 just to be equal with DC1?

I bet he's having trouble imagining that he's going to love number 2 and much as number 1. I think that's very common, I know I felt like that, worried that I could possibly love anyone as much as DD1. Of course, once DD2 arrived I absolutely did. Love multiplies by two, it doesn't divide in two when another baby comes along

You also need to put your ds in care for 6years because he got you to yourself for 6 years so the baby should too.

This is exactly how I follow his argument through, which is obviously ridiculous.

Situation is different; you are different; outcomes will be different.

Does sound very controlling.

Very bizarre. As PPs have said each child is different and you do the best you can at the time. First child had the benefit of your undivided attention. That's 'not fair' either surely? (You could say that bf might compensate somewhat, but it's ridiculous that you'd even have to try to justify your decision to breastfeed).

Would you show him this thread?

What the actual hell?!

That's ridiculous. Do what feels right for you. I didn't really bf my first. I wanted to desperately and tried so hard and sought out all sorts of support, but she had a horrible latch and really struggled to gain weight and was so sickly and then I got sick as well and wasn't able to carry on past 6 weeks. It was the right decision under the circumstances to bottle feed her because she was truly starving and I also needed to focus on my own health too. But I'm due any day with #2 and I plan to bf him. I don't see how there's any conflict there. If it works out, it works out. But I feel no guilt that I didn't bf my first longer. You do the best you can. Breastfeeding isn't always the best thing in every situation and you can only do what you can do, but there's no reason to deprive your 2nd or yourself from that experience if that's what you want. Ultimately, it's your body and your dh can't tell you what to do with your body. It's controlling.

I'd ignore him, he sounds like a total idiot to be honest.

Second and subsequent children get a huge amount of benefits - including more experienced parents.
First child has the benefit of having had all that individual attention.

You can't make everything equal.

OP - his reasoning is bogus and I think you know that. I would suspect this is nothing to do with the second child - and probably more about his access to you/your body. Because if he believes that 'breast is best' why did he not kick up more of a fuss about it when you had child 1?

Well I don’t understand it at all, it’s one of the weirdest things I’ve heard. And your DP sounds like a prize (brainless) dick. Good luck with that ........

I’ve done breastfeeding, expressed bottle and formula with babies - different things due to different needs of the babies. You couldn’t match up my teens now with how they were fed as babies nor have I ever had one come to me and complain they got a raw deal as they were fed differently to another. How absolutely ridiculous.

Op if it comes to it you could ask a scary midwife to have a word with him

This:

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork Mon 29-Jan-18 12:31:13

"Isn't that a bit like saying DC1 needs glasses, let's poke DC2 in the eye until they do?"

And this:

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Mon 29-Jan-18 12:42:13

"What a load of nonsense. You'll have to have a boy too, otherwise the baby will have a uterus and ds won't - it's not fair!"

There is no way your second baby's experience will be the same as your first's

a) because it will be a different person with a different life b) because it will be the second and there is no way you will be able to replicate the undivided attention you were able to give to your first- or (as a pp pointed out) the germ-free environment. This baby will be the one on which the firstborn wipes its nose.

Perhaps ask your dp what would happen if, for example, you had given a painkiller to ds that doctors now suggest isn't suitable for babies? Would he insist that the same painkiller be given to the new baby in order to 'be fair'? That's the way his logic takes you.

It's not a rational argument that he's making and hopefully he will see sense.

Say what?!

You understand what he’s saying? Do you? I’m getting a headache trying to figure out what he’s on about.

You’re going to discuss it? Am I alone in thinking there’s not really anything to discuss?

I didn't/couldn't breastfeed my dd (now 12yrs) as I didn't produce any milk but am 19weeks pregnant with baby 2 and if I produce milk I wouldn't dream of not trying to feed just because the first didn't get it. I'm not against bottle feeding it's personal choice but if you want to feed and you can then go for it. The first child will not be damaged because they weren't breastfed and the other was.

Do whats right for you. I say this as someone who ff dd. If you want to bf you do it!

Imagine you have a baby tomorrow. In five years time you're in a much better position financially than you are now, enabling you to pay for riding lessons or whatever for your two children.

Will DC2 have to wait until they're 10 just like DC1 has had to, for fairness? I'd blinking hope not!

I think your dp is getting a hard time here. I get where he's coming from, but he's being daft and irrational. Quite apart from anything else, the marginal long term benefits to babies of BFing over formula are overstated.

So because when I was born, my parents were poor, and I didn't get much. Wore hand me downs, secondhand toys, one small present on birthdays. Meat once a week, eggs twice.

When my brother was born, my father had turned out to have some unique talents that he put to use in a job that paid him a fortune. We were very well off.

So my baby brother should have had to lead a poor life because I did in the first six years?

For goodness sake, what is your DP on!!! You will have double the regrets if you want to breastfeed and don't. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, but you can do what's best for your second child if you feel that breast feeding is what you want for him/her. Why your DP would deny a newborn baby something beneficial for the reason he's stated is beyond me - does your DS have any clue he wasn't breastfed and does he even care?? I doubt it.

It makes me really mad when I hear about clueless partners spouting their perceived wisdom on something they obviously need educating about and undermining their wife/GF when they need support and are vulnerable. Your instincts are correct OP, don't be bullied. I'm not saying his opinions don't matter, they do, he is the baby's father and If his opinion made the least bit of sense I would say listen to him and come to a compromise - but in this instance he sounds bat-shit!

If anything, the greater immunity of your second child from being breastfed will benefit your first child, as he less likely to catch bugs from his younger sibling!

Your OH is being utterly ridiculous.

I have 3.

Eldest was bottle fed because I never did make anywhere near enough milk for him despite trying.

Middle was mixed-fed because my ex didn't like waiting for my milk to come in when the baby was hungry "now" (while I was still all tubed up etc after the caesarian, but I really wanted to bf .

and my youngest (different father) was (and still is, much to everyone else's disgust breast fed.

I did the best I could for all three, what that best was varied because circumstances varied so much too.

I suggest you do the same and just like last time you do the best you can for your child. My 7 year old isn't bothered that he wasn't breast fed ffs!

That is the most ridiculous reasoning I have ever heard.

If you want to breastfeed then give it a try. If you don't then don't. That for me is all there is to it. Your body, your choice, and whatever choice you make will have zero effect on DS1.

My choice was to formula feed, but it was MY choice. Not made under duress from DH for spurious reasons.

I had the opposite problem in that I breast fed my first son for 2.5 years but with my second, because of allergies he had I wanted to put him on prescription formula when he was about 6 weeks of age and I was wracked with guilt over it.

I kept telling my husband that it was incredibly unfair of me to give formula to our second baby when our first had been breast fed. I felt like I was giving DS1 an advantage that DS2 wouldn’t have and I was in tears over it frequently.

DS2 refused the formula anyway so I’m still breast feeding him but it’s quite reluctantly. He’s almost 6 months now and if I did stop feeding him myself I would still feel guilty because I’d stopped so much earlier than I had with my first son.

Breast feeding is surrounded by very strange emotions and thoughts but typically they are experienced by the mothers and I find your husband having the belief he does quite strange but that’s not to say it isn’t genuine.

You can discuss it with him and tell him how you feel but at the end of the day, if you want to breast feed your baby then do so because it’s uktimately your choice.

I would point out that because it is now known that bf is best, by bf your new child your older child will accept bf is normal and thus any of his offspring, your grandchildren will be more likely to be breast fed.

I can understand and have sympathy with some reasons why a man wouldn't want their partner to breastfeed

Really ? Like what ? I can't see any reason why a man would not want their partner to B/F that is logical

I wasn't able to bf DS1 as long as DS2 due to a lot of issues which I'd probably be more able to do something about now but at the time it meant I gave up after 6 weeks and bf DS2 for 6 months. I do feel guilty about it but as someone says not doing something for your 1st child doesn't mean that you shouldn't for your 2nd if you can.

Incidentally. both DC are very healthy so we are lucky from that point of view, but DS2 does get more colds/chest infections etc than DS1.