New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

I wouldn't be having another baby with him if I were you, OP

That's ridiculous, I know loads of mums who bottle fed their first dc but breastfed their subsequent dc. There's nothing unfair about it.

Do what you feel is best.

Your body, your choice to breast or bottle feed. It shouldn't be dictated by a man or any other person, it's as simple as that.

I formula fed my first child because I didn't produce enough milk to sustain long term breast feeding. I breastfed my second child for two years and my elder dc doesn't hold it against me. It'll only become an issue if your partner makes it one.

He will likely sabotage your attempts to bf, you need a supportive partner not one trying to get in your way.

Just when you think you've seen it all on MN...

Simple express some milk give to DD1. Problem sorted ;)

"I understand it. I do"

I don't

Breastfeed if you want. It's not his decision, especially when it's based on some weird favouritism for your first child.

so your DP knows BF is best yet for both DC and yourself ( lowering risk of certain cancers and PND) wants you to actively decide not to even try?? That's fucking Idiotic and ignorant.

I had a friend who didn't even last a day BFing DC1 then used the "it wouldn't be fair to them to BF Dc2" it was all an excuse and I did think less of them for it. If someone doesn't want to BF fine but at least be honest about it!

He's clearly an idiot.
But I also notice he said you have to bottle feed it. Surely the one main advantage of bottlefeeding is that the pressure is taken off the mum to be the one to feed the whole time - so he hasn't even offered to help there.
Don't listen to him.

The only correct response to this is surely “don’t be ridiculous DP”.

Unless your son has some medically diagnosed issue which doctors have said definitely came from not being breastfed?!

On the flip side I struggled to bf my first but did manage 8 weeks and then switched to formula. With my second I decided to give it a go and see what happened. I struggled again and it brought back the memories of how bad it had been the first time round and how I'd not enjoyed those first couple of months because I was so stressed out about it. So I only managed a week second time round. I spent some time feeling guilty that I hadn't persevered for at least a few more weeks to give the second one the same length of time bfing as the first. But then I realised that you do the best for all your children and deal with whatever circumstances that you have at the time.

If you want to bf then go for it.

Does he want you to start breast feeding DS then, to be ‘fair’?

Barmy.

It’s not as if you are sending one to private school and not the other - your DS doesn’t even know he wasn’t breast fed, he was a tiny baby! Lots of people breast feed for. A few months only, or do a mix, it really is a funny way to think about it. Many of the benefits are to help them get through that time anyway (antibodies etc) which DS already has but next baby might find more difficult. Every baby is different.

Plus lots of families find the first child is preferred or has a better bond because they have parents to themselves for a few years - breast feeding might vaguely make things a bit fairer for your second child!

Sibling studies have shown there is no difference between siblings where one is breastfed and one isn't.

So either breastfeeding actually makes little difference, and it's to do with the families that choose to breastfeed or not, or breastfeeding one child somehow bestows advantages on the other children if the family.

Your husband is being ridiculous. If you want to breastfeed, then do, but the whole breast vs bottle issue is nowhere near as important as it can seem sometimes. It's unlikely to make any difference either way.

That sounds nuts - whether you BF the baby or not won't have an impact on your son. They'll go through life and have different experiences all along the way - don't disadvantage one to "even things up" - it's very mean spirited! If your eldest didn't get a paper round would you stop your youngest from applying in case it upset the older one? Of course not it's bonkers.

Be careful, op - this is red flag territory.

Ds has had 6 or 7 years of sole attention that dc2 wont get.

If you start going down this route then no one wins.

Why is a man deciding what you can or cannot do with your body...

How about you suggest he do all the FF feeding then?

It would only be fair as you carried the baby... he can take over the feeding.

I think your husband is forgetting that his whole world will expand to include the new baby. It won't be an adversarial relationship where the parents are vigilant about making sure neither child has an advantage but parents doing the best they can for each child at the time.

Hopefully he will see sense.

Telling you what you can or can't do with your body is not great. I'd be more concerned about that than the actual topic that he's trying to control.

It is absurd for him to suggest you shouldn't breastfeed any new baby because you didn't feed your first. It will be a positive thing for your DS to see breastfeeding first hand and have a normalised experience of it. I would also strongly question why if he feels that strongly about the drawbacks of formula feeding why he didn't express his opinion first time round.

I breastfed my first for about 3 Months, and a fair amount of that was mixed feeding because I had so many problems with bf him (dehydration/low weight gain etc.) With my second I managed to 6 Months almost exclusively. Different baby, different circumstances, it was easier the second time around. I am pregnant again and I will do my best to bf this one as much as possible too, but circumstances will be different again. I wish I had been more successful the first time, but sadly it wasn't how it was. I would never deny subsequent children the positives of it because I only managed a certain amount with the first.

?? and you want to have a baby with this man..?

The best response to him is "Don't be so bl**dy ridiculous, neither of them will even care"

Sounds like he doesn't want you to breastfeed for some reason.

You are this baby’s mother, it is your job to do what you believe is best for you and the baby, he has no business telling you otherwise. He is being ridiculous. Your DS will have no idea how he was fed as a newborn.

"you could argue it makes it harder for the man to bond with the child"

That is utter bollocks. When I BF DD she took over an hour. When she took a bottle it took her less than 5 minutes to guzzle it down. A 5 minute feeding session doesn't bond dad and baby. Playing with the baby and giving it lots of attention does.