New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

[taekwondo]

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

I do understand his feelings to a point.

I bf dd1 for a year. It was very hard at first but we loved it in the end.

When I got pregnant again, I fully intended to bf. I then found out i was having twins and while I still wanted to bf them, I understood it would be hugely demanding. More so than with dd1.

I ended up bottle feeding which isn’t what I planned but we were happy with the decision overall. I did feel guilty about them not having had the same start as dd1 but was determined not to dwell on it.

It’s life! Life sometimes throws you curve balls or your situation changes and you adapt and make decisions accordingly.

If you want to bf, then you absolutely should do.

It's feeding a baby, not buying a house for one and not the other!

DS1 breast fed until he was 3, DS2 until 8 months - neither was more privileged than the other by that - we just did what worked at the time.

Plus, as you say, you grew up with breastfeeding not being a thing in your family, so it didn't occur to you to do it - if you breastfeed in front of DS, then it will be in your family, it'll be a natural thing for your DS when he grows up.

Im actually a little sympathetic to his thinking although he ultimately wrong but i dont think it comes from a bad place.

I breastfed my first until 22 months when she weaned (i was pregnant so my milk started drying up)

For DD2 i hope to breastfeed a bit longer and there will be no ppregnancy barrier but i do feel a tiny twinge of guilt that my pregnancy stopped dd1.

Overall though you do whats right for your family at the time.

He's being daft. I didn't Breast feed my twins because I didn't manage it. I did Breast feed my younger baby. The twins don't remember or care. I lost more weight, had better sleep, cost less in formula etc etc with baby 3. Plus it reduces your chance of Breast cancer. Your dh doesn't realise it yet but the love you have for your second will be just the same as your love for your first and you will want to do everything for them. Living them the same doesn't mean everything has to be exactly the same, circumstances change.

Beside which they're your boobs and you're giving birth so he needs to butt out.

That is the most ridiculous reasoning I have ever heard

I don't think so. As a knee-jerk reaction I think it's pretty understandable.

I ff dc 1 and 2. I desperately wanted to bf dc3 but went back and forth so many times during pregnancy as I really felt bf dc3 would be unfair to my older dc as they weren't.

I pushed down the feelings and bf ds3 but still spent the first few months having twinges of guilt over it. So I get why the dh feels that way.

I think what concerns me is his idea about a currently hypothetical baby. This is just one thing. What happens if he starts to dic

Does DP's 'our whole world' have room for a baby?

I understand it. I do

You do??? I don't!!

Your DP is being ridiculous.

Sorry, pressed too soon.

What happens if he starts to dictate evrything that is done with a second child comparing it with your first??

DS1 will have had some things (like undivided attention) that his younger sibling will not be able to have. Is your DH suggesting that you pack DS1 off somewhere for a year or two so that your next baby can have exactly the same baby experience as DS1?

Your DH, as you know, is being utterly ridiculous in regard to DS1 and the new baby. He's also being really presumptious assuming it's decision on whether you breastfeed or not - it isn't his decision.

Not quite the same, but by that logic, if you put your first child to bed on his stomach, you have to do the same with the second, even though you now know it's safer to put them on their back!

Not everyone can breastfeed, but if you can, it's better to.

*hypothetical new baby. (Sorry!)

Will you be reusing your son's cot, pram etc?

Perhaps that will balance it out ok?

Who do you think you are, OldPony?

Here's your argument in another form.

With DC1, I avoided nuts during pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding as that was current advice and I knew that genetically on both sides we have a tendency to allergies. DC1 had a nut allergy.

Now, I understand that avoiding nuts was completely the wrong thing to do. I inadvertently increased the risks of allergy.

Using you DP's argument, I should follow the same rules during pregnancy/breastfeeding/weaning otherwise DC2 gets an unfair advantage.

This would clearly be nuts, if you'll pardon the pun.

You're discussing a hypothetical child .. . and already arguing about him/her. Is your DP as keen on trying for another child as you are? Because I would think someone throwing up such odd points of contention wasn't really on board with the endeavour.
Don't waste time 'discussing' it. There's nothing to discuss. You're going to try to bf. When the time comes, the midwife and HV can explain to your DP the benefits of bf and why it won't harm your first-born.

You can never make the environment exactly the same for both your DC. Different children are different people with different needs, and you're different now too. Your new baby will get some benefits from breastfeeding, but will have less time with you individually; you'll be older when your new baby, then 20, 25, 35 or whatever, has his or her own children -- it'll all be different. You may have more health problems when the new baby's a teenager than with your first. Who knows.
Just love them, respect them, be a good family for them, and don't hurt one to make it even for the other one! That's the road to ridiculous lowest common denominators ... don't infect one with pneumonia because the other had it and missed 3 days of school. etc. Crazy.

He is being ridiculous.

yup, I agree with the point that BFing will in no way make up for the 1st child experience of having parents all to themselves...

I've turned down money my parents tried to give me to 'make up' for the fact they spent loads of money on my siblings degrees, because I was old enough to get grants and they had to pay fees. Totally crazy.

Children are different and they have a different experience from each other. Trying to do the best you can for them all is the way forward....

He's being ridiculous.

But if you want to formulate a rational argument to him, then tell him that your ds1 will be at an advantage from being firstborn, and having 6yrs undivided attention from you. It is very well documented that first borns generally have a high IQ and a faster development rate.

Plus, ds1 won't be his/your 'whole world' when baby no2 comes along - he doesn't know it yet - but he'll love this baby every bit as much as ds1 (unless he's a dick that has favourite children, that is - and if that's the case nobody can help you).

1. You want to bf, therefore you will be. It's your decision. For him to even send that text indicates that a LOT of education is needed here. Not. His. Decision.

1. Equal 'advantages'? Wow that's going to be tricky. The biggest one is what do you do with DS1 for the first year, to enable this baby to also have the massive advantage of being an only/first child? With your sole undivided attention? He/she isn't going to get that, and it's THE biggest difference. Maybe long-term fostering? Then there's going back in time to give DS1 the advantage of having an older sibling to learn from as this baby will have. Oh God! Possibly even trickier!

Start with discussing 2 and maybe 1 will evaporate, as he realises how ridiculous he's being. If not - tell him to fuck off with trying to tell you how to feed the baby you will be carrying, birthing, and being primary carer for in its first year.

What a stupid suggestion.
That's like refusing one child a medicine because it wasn't available to the other one.
It's up to you how you feed your baby, and I certainly wouldn't be dictated to.
does he always tell you what to do?

@gillybeanz and others who have mentioned possible controlling states.

He's not controlling, but he is 15 years older, so thinks he knows better, we'll have a few words about this I'm sure because he's mentioned it in the past and I've not agreed but then I've said I don't want another child!

We're only back here because I mentioned another child, but this point is back. If I do breastfeed the baby he'll really think it's unfair to ds!

As to why he never questioned it with ds, I have no idea.

If I do have a baby (I'm undecided due to the amount of work that'll mostly be on me) then I'll be feeding as I see fit, wether we'll be arguing to get there or not.

Would not have another baby until Dp has grown up!I
His thinking is totally "off".