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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby plans but dp doesn't want me to breastfeed

167 replies

taekwondo · 29/01/2018 12:24

Ds is 6 years old. I was 19 when I had him, very naive, never even considered breast feeding, it just wasn't the norm in my family. Oh how I regret that decision, I wish I'd at least tried!

Well, we're considering baby number 2, were in better positions financially, more secure and life is good.

Only I received this message today from dp

You have to bottle feed it. Not fair on Ds to brest feed as he wasn't..."

I've said we'll talk about it. But I desperately want to breast feed. Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do. But I can't fight that natural instinct in me to want to breast feed. And to be told I shouldn't is.. I don't know... it doesn't sit right.

Aibu to want to breastfeed a potential future child even though ds wasn't. Is it really so unfair to ds?

OP posts:
ferrier · 29/01/2018 12:32

What nonsense.
There's no way on earth that anyone would stop me breastfeeding my own child.

WinteryWalk · 29/01/2018 12:32

Ridiculous. Breastfeed if you want to!

Cookandbook · 29/01/2018 12:32

You make the best decisions you can at the time. That is a really terrible reason for not giving it a go second time round if you want to.
My younger brother was breast fed, I have never ever thought about it being unfair. I breastfed all mine for different lengths of time. I love them all the same.
Ds will have to stop being your 'whole world' anyway when he has a sibling, that's just how it goes. You have to share. Different kids get different things at different times.

Trinity66 · 29/01/2018 12:33

Do you really think your son would be bother by that? A 6 year old? I swear parents put these thoughts in their own kids heads sometimes

pastabakewithcheese · 29/01/2018 12:33

Tell him to piss off

butterfly990 · 29/01/2018 12:34

Simple express some milk give to DD1. Problem sorted ;)

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 29/01/2018 12:34

It's not just his decision. Also a very weird reason. Children within a family will never have an identical upbringing. Being fair isn't treating peoole the same.
Is he going to put the older child in another room for hours on end so he can hold the baby 1:1? Of course not.
From the pregnancy everything is different.

deptfordgirl · 29/01/2018 12:34

He is being ridiculous and how dare he tell you what you must do, it's your body and your choice.

StrawberryMummy90 · 29/01/2018 12:35

Dp thinks breast is best but because we love ds so much then we can't give a sibling something he never had because ds is "our whole world"

I understand it. I do

Really? You understand? Confused

KalaLaka · 29/01/2018 12:35

I understand his point of view, even though I completely disagree with it.

Not sure which angle I'd take to try to persuade him, but you need him on side if bf is going to work.

Your egg with ds was younger and perhaps better quality. You had more energy then. Things will never be equal.

Mookatron · 29/01/2018 12:35

He is being an idiot but I wouldn't treat him like he is because breastfeeding without support could be tricky.

Lots of good reasons above. You do what you can at the time. For example he wouldn't deny your DS antibiotics because it's not fair his grandparents didn't have them would he?

This is the kind of thing you can work on gradually with him, in the knowledge that you are going to breastfeed your baby. I'm not saying you should have to but the fact your husband is communicating with you is good (even if what he's communicating is, well, bollocks).

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2018 12:36

What a knob, if you want to bf, do it!

Dazedandconfuzzled · 29/01/2018 12:36

But surely every kid is different anyway and you parent the best way that you can at the time they are born. My mum was a single mum with my sisters so they didnt get much etc, she went back to work at 3 months and they were formula fed. By the time she had me 11 years later she was married and had more time off work etc so i was breastfed for 6 months. This has made no impact whatsoever to us. Her situation was different, I imagine that I got a lot of different things from my sister's, a father for one but my mum loves us all the same and did the best she could with each of us at the time of our births.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 12:36

Is DS your DP’s?

I just couldn’t contemplate a relationship with someone so stupid. Are you sure you want to have a baby with him?!

NorthernLurker · 29/01/2018 12:37

The key problem for me is not how you feed the baby. It's that your partner thinks he can dictate that. Is he controlling normally?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 12:37

Oh and that’s even before considering the fact that he thinks he can tell you what to do with your body?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 29/01/2018 12:37

This baby needs to also be your whole world though.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 29/01/2018 12:38

Is he going to love a second dc if the first is his whole world?
If he has put your dc on a pedestal that's much worse than not bf!

Fuckyrhobnobs · 29/01/2018 12:39

He's chatting shit and it's not his decision. Hth.

Original poster
taekwondo · 29/01/2018 12:40

Hi all, ds is dp's.

When I say I understand, what I mean is I can understand what he's saying, but I don't agree, and I can feel it making me a little angry.

I'll have to be the one with baby and ds so Ill have to be washing and sterilising again and also feeding in a way that I don't want to.

I'll also have to go through the nurses asking me to breastfeeding and refusing again, while this time feeling upset because it's what I want.

So no, I won't take this and we will be discussing it. And surprising dp is never usually like this, and he's not as young as me either!

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/01/2018 12:41

You also need to put your ds in care for 6years because he got you to yourself for 6 years so the baby should too.

Or you could adopt a sensible rational “best we can with what we’ve got” for both children.

FWIW I think it is more important to bf a second child as they spend their lives surrounded by germ factories (ie older siblings!) and so their immune systems need all the help it can get.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 29/01/2018 12:42

What a load of nonsense. You'll have to have a boy too, otherwise the baby will have a uterus and ds won't - it's not fair! Hmm

Seriously, that's the silliest reason for not bfing I've ever heard.

To be fair to your dp, it sounds like this might be more to do with worry about the affect having a second child will have on the family dynamic, which is normal. Your dc1 will be fine, he'll know he's loved and still the centre of both your worlds (along with his sibling). He won't give two hoots as to how he or the baby is fed, really.

Quartz2208 · 29/01/2018 12:43

There are many advantages to being number 1. There are as well to being number 2, the biggest of which is that as parents you learn what does and doesn't work for you the first time round and you make changes the next time

Trinity66 · 29/01/2018 12:43

His logic is ridiculous, your DS is not going to care whether he was or wasn't BF. It's just so stupid

LoniceraJaponica · 29/01/2018 12:45

There is no need to "discuss" it. You just do what is right for you and the baby.

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