I screamed at her...

[Feellikeworstmummyever]

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

Assuming there's nothing else going on, it sounds like lack of sleep on your part! Nothing like being chronically over time to make you feel close to the end of your tether all the time.

Don't give yourself a hard time but trying to think of strategies rather than shouting. Counting to ten, leaving the room for a bit etc. Consequences or even bribes rather than shouting. It's better to just wrestle her into clothes than shout at her imo in the last resort although I admit I too find it hard!

And try to get more sleep/ rest. If you dh is better tempered is he getting alot more res than you? also could he be taking over some of the hard bits so you feel less stressed?

Do you ever get a break from your daughter?

Get fresh air, go out a lot, have a rigid routine for both of you.... get time off and be busy.

We've all had a moment (or two) when we lost it. You'd have to be made of ice if you haven't.
Don't dwell on it. Use it to think about your life - do you need a bit of a break? Just a day off when you are on your own for yourself? Are you trying too hard to be perfect and have a problem letting go?
Relax. Children are remarkably resilient and they also need to learn that there are rules and people may react strongly to their behaviour if they're doing something they shouldn't.

I think all of us have been there or close to it at some point lovey; I know I certainly have. My DS really pushed my buttons at that age, and I knew it was all developmental and a learning curve, and I KNEW it was a compliment of sorts that he felt safest with me to be able to push those boundaries knowing he would never be hit, struck or hurt in any way. I took a lot of comfort from a friend who told me that which definitely helped through some of those tantrums and he was one wilful boy!! You did the right thing in walking away and letting her cry. However I would say the door punching is extreme.... no suggestions on that, just sending a hand hold xx

She sleeps brilliantly. Ask through the night. Woke up this morning at 8...
My OH works full time during the week, and I work two weekdays whilst DD is at nursery. Our routine is pretty set, it's just me being an over moody arsehole Mum.
I think I've always had anger issues, but never with her before as she's always been so good. It's just now she's hit the defiant stage that we're starting to clash, and that's the last thing I want. I love her so much.

The shouting is understandable I have a 19 month old who is adorable but particularly wilful and I'm trying very hard for him to remain only wilful not a brat or cheeky! I get it I do shout at him sometimes as he can be SO frustrating in the way toddlers seems experts at however the punching the door is not ok...at all sorry but that's the point it crossed the line from being understandable frustration to unacceptable losing of your temper and frightening the child.

The terrible twos are tough. i think most people have shouted at their toddlers. I certainly have my OH also complains that i'm shouty.

Did you have an idea of how parenting was going to be?

I can't condone this. You will get aw it's ok responses but no. Snapping or shouting at a toddler who's being challenging is one thing, but actually screaming and hitting the door...not ok.
I'm not being mean. I'm concerned for you as well as your DD. It sounds like you're struggling with your mental health tbh, have you had issues before? Please get help. Talk to your HV or go to your GP.

Most people will have done it at some time or other.

But you need to find: other ways to calm down, understand that her behaviour is not personal, and alternative ways of doing things. Can you play music? Do things in a different way?
Lots of "Do you want x or y?" Such as "Do you want me to play the radio while we change your nappy or to sing nursery rhymes?" "Do you want the blue or the green T-Shirt?"
How good is her language? It often gets a bit better when they can start to use words. But a lot of it is they are so powerless, and have no way to express frustration.
Also getting out is more important than housework etc. Things can feel a lot better outside.

What i mean is did you have a vision of it whilst waiting that the reality (which is hard) is not living up to

Don't beat yourself up, as pp said, we've all had times where we've been pushed to our limits.
Try not to dwell on it, it'll do you no good to keep going over it in your head. It's done, there's nothing you can do to change that now. Learn from it instead and try to recognise next time when you can feel that anger building up, then put your DD somewhere safe and have 5 minutes to yourself. Slow breathing really works to calm down, or run around the garden, do star jumps, anything to take your mind away from that anger. Then deep breath, put a smile on your face and see your DD again. Remember she's only 2, god knows toddlers are trying, but she doesn't understand the impact of her tantrums.
Good luck OP

Don't be hard on yourself, you recognise that you're struggling, you sound like you need a break, I know I went through similar due to weariness and exhaustion, it's not easy but it gets easier once they sleep better and become more independent.

I had an idea of what it was going to be like, and most of the time I think I do really well. It's just I always feel close to the edge, and today I went over it and I am ashamed of myself. If anyone shouted at my daughter the way I have done (even OH) then I'd go mad. And I know hitting the door was completely OTT. No excuses.
I do need some help with my MH I think. I just wanted to be the perfect Mum, and I feel that asking for support is like me admitting defeat, that I can't do it alone.
I'm feeling really low right now, and all I want to do is cuddle up with my daughter... But she's too busy playing now to want to sit with me whilst I wallow in my self pity

Shouting frequently at a toddler and punching doors is not good.
There are 2 facets to this: (1) What is it that makes you angry? What are you silently brooding about. That needs sorting- with help, support and kindness.
(2) Recognising you have a tendency to anger, you need a clear strategy to deal with the tantrums- they are here to stay for a while. As soon as it starts, you need to act instantly - make the child safe and remove yourself from the situation. Expect the tantrums. Accept the tantrums. They are just a phase. It's not your DCs personality. It's not a personal attack on you.

Are you under a lot of pressure? Does your DH do his fair share?

Ive screamed at the ceiling during this phase - the terrible twos have hit us early. Thankfully DC laughed and screamed too. Its sleep deprivation and cabin fever.

Oh and I do most nappy changes with DC standing on the mat having a cuddle - no tantrums but is a pain

Sounds to me like you need to draft in the troops to spend time with the bairn so you get a breather. Anyone who says you don’t need a break from the toddler years regularly either have never done it or are liers.

Maybe a daddy daughter day one day a week on a weekend. Knowing there’s a break coming really helps.

I’d also pay your gp a visit and get checked over for any depression and have a chat with your HV. Be open and proactive rather than keep how you feel secret and with a group effort could get through it.

Toddler years suck but they end.

I think the people saying dont be to hard on yourself are BU, You probably petrified her, It sounds like you need some sort of anger management or anger release.

i still remember to this day being just under 3 and having my babysitter scream at me and slam the door .. it must have shocked/scared me so much(my mum never yelled at me or anything like that)

I get children can be hard ... but that is no excuse.

I think trying to be a perfect mother is a mistake. You need real life friends - preferably people who are non-competitive parents and acknowledge how tough it can be. It might be that will be enough to help you unwind, though you could also consider chatting to a sympathetic professional.

Do you actually have any fun? Nights out?? Time to pursue hobbies???

Also I am not a huge fan of rigid routines - though some parenting philosophies are all about this. Sometimes that's just another way of making parenthood into a prison.

If a man had punched a door several times in anger in front of a two year old, what would we all be saying?

If a man had punched a door several times in uncontrolled anger in front of his fully grown adult wife what would we be saying?!

I sympathise op, I do. Two is a hard age, the tantrums can feel relentless. But then three is challenging when they become vocally defiant and rejoice in asserting their new found sense of self. Four can be hard with the stress of building more complex social relationships and navigating complex emotions. Are you going to shout at her and punch the door every time she challenges you? You’ll both be in for an extremely rough ride if you don’t fix this.

Speak to your hv or gp and see what they suggest. In the short term, you need to put her somewhere safe and walk away from her (like you did initially with the nappy change) EVERY time you feel your anger building up.

It's not PMS is it? I get terrible PMS and it took me a while to work out what the problem was because I'd never had PMS before having a baby. I take evening primrose oil now and feel a lot less crazy before my period.