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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I screamed at her...

156 replies

Feellikeworstmummyever · 29/01/2018 09:23

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 29/01/2018 13:51

Just a thought! But are there any Play Groups nearby. The sort usually in Church Halls where you stay with them and it's usually only about £2 with a drink and a biscuit thrown in.
I found these invaluable and she will have children to run around with and you can sit with the other Mums and have a chat with them.
It will be a break for you both in your days off.

FlouncyDoves · 29/01/2018 14:16

Not anger related in terms of the OP’s situation, but we were sitting with toddler DD (2 and 1 month) and or newborn DD yesterday. Toddler wasn’t happy (can’t remember why...just because) and drops board book on mum’s foot...an involuntary ‘FUCK’ came out. She said ‘duck?’ and we fell about laughing. Then she joined in.

Try to find the humour in the situation where possible. That helps.

PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 29/01/2018 14:20

It has hard being a Mum after IVF. The weight of expectations that you place on yourself to be "perfect" because you struggled so hard to get this baby means that admitting we are struggling can be hard. It feels that the only emotion you should have is gratitude, whereas any child can be challenging.

Yes, of course being any mum is hard, I know it's not a competition.

Underparmummy · 29/01/2018 14:34

I don't think there is any reason to be concerned for this much loved two year old.

SouthWestmom · 29/01/2018 15:07

Erm sorry to jump in against all the platitudes.
Punching a door several times in front of your two year old is not normal and not everyone does this at some time.
This is worrying and I would think through whether you need parenting support, mental health support, time away from your daughter or different structures to your day.
Getting angry, walking away? Fine

GrouchyKiwi · 29/01/2018 15:38

Noeuf The OP has said that she agrees and will go to see her GP.

mrsmuddlepies · 29/01/2018 15:44

Not getting at you OP. Well done for seeking help. Shame on the people who minimise it. Verbal abuse is abuse. Punching a door and displaying violent, out of control behaviour is abuse.
Some mothers will excuse anything because it was a mother that did it.
look on the stately homes thread for children who have been bullied and intimidated by their out of control mothers.
Good luck in getting proper help.

SouthWestmom · 29/01/2018 16:33

Thank you grouchy I missed that. I did think countering the 'we've all been there' comments was necessary though.

finallymadeupmymind · 29/01/2018 17:01

The “we’ve all been there” comments aimed to support a poster whose user name is ifeelliketheworstmummyever, who started her post with an admission that she was wrong, and has accepted she needs help.

Even if we haven’t all punched a door, surely we have all felt angry and desperate when dealing with children? Some will have walked away, others will have said something horrible, shouted, punched a door and felt incredibly guilty.

The alternative is to add to her shame and tell her she is the worst mummy ever and that everyone else breezes through it without a cross word. Actually by admitting she has gone too far, she is showing she is a decent and caring parent.

One of the basics of responding to someone who has asked for help Is surely to reduce the feelings of self loathing that will only make this worse.

In my view, she’s a better parent than many of those who have no willingness to reflect on their parenting. Surely those parents are more likely to feature on the stately homes thread?

SouthWestmom · 29/01/2018 17:11

Don't be daft: there's a huge middle ground between 'we've all been there' and 'you're the worst parent ever'.

If you can only see two options for a response that's a bit concerning.

Tiredmum100 · 29/01/2018 17:21

Sorry you're having a hard time. Having kids is hard work. Don't put pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother. Quite honestly I don't think there's such a thing. I have in a temper thrown things. A few cushions on the floor, changing bag across some public toilets. I'm usually very placid, but after my second dc I had a temper (not in the way of hitting things or my children or anything) that I was swear was hormonal. Back to my normal self now. My second dc was also very similar to how your daughter sounds. He's 4 now and will get changed without fuss (has since he was about 3). What's good is you left your child in a safe place and took yourself away from the situation. I would keep making sure you do that. If you feel angry walk away from her. Sounds like a lot is falling on you without having any family near by. Could you increase the hours in her nursery to give yourself more of a break? I would speak to your gp and health visitor and get some help asap. My family live only an hour away and I know how hard it is to try and do everything.

finallymadeupmymind · 29/01/2018 17:26

I can see many options as a response, but as the OP feels like the worst parent already, it seemed more supportive to start from the (undoubtedly true) standpoint that she isn’t as bad as she feels.

mrsmuddlepies · 29/01/2018 17:30

Agree completely with Noeuf. There is lots of helpful advice but also some posters who try to minimise potentially abusive behaviour.
Well done OP for seeking help and acknowledging that abusive behaviour needs attention.

GeorgeTheHamster · 29/01/2018 17:35

You have lost of good advice here and you are right that you need to get some help and make some changes. All the posters are also right that everyone loses it sometimes, but that the door thumping is not ok.

One thing I haven't seen posted is the tip to imagine that you are being watched by a CCTV camera while you are looking after her. If you focus on that then you will persuade yourself to behave the way that you would if you were in public. So no shouting or thumping. It works for a lot of people as a temporary fix.

And of course you are being watched, by your daughter who is soaking up every little thing that you do.

You can do this. This can be your turning point.

Jon66 · 29/01/2018 17:37

It sounds as though you are mildly to moderately depressed.

MiserableAsSin · 29/01/2018 18:02

Clearly the problem has nothing to do with sleep deprivation or lack of friends - it's an anger issue which you have admitted.
I think I've always had anger issues, but never with her before as she's always been so good.

She is good . She's behaving like a normal toddler . You need to adjust your expectations massively and stop seeing behaviours which are normal as good / bad. They scream , resist and get angry over nothing . ignore it and carry on.

nuttyknitter · 29/01/2018 18:14

If a grown man was responding to a grown woman like this we'd all be saying LTB. Screaming at a toddler for anything, let alone perfectly normal toddler behaviour, is emotionally abusive. It's not too late to put things right and find help, but no one's helping the OP by saying we've all been there and it's normal parental behaviour - it isn't.

Blackteadrinker77 · 29/01/2018 18:22

You're right @nuttyknitter

Or if the OP was a man.

There was an almost identical thread last week called "To put up with a shouty man" and everyone said he was abusive and to leave, and that he can control his temper as he doesn't shout at other people just the children.

Lizzie48 · 29/01/2018 18:30

For those of you who are talking about how we'd tell a woman 'LTB' if a man did this, what exactly is the point of saying that? Are you suggesting that the OP should call SS and tell them she's an unfit mother, and to take her DD into care??

There's clearly a close bond between her and her DD, and the OP is actually asking for help with her anger. Why are you being so unkind? She won't come back, most likely, and she's someone who would benefit from support on here.

I know, it's AIBU blah blah, but sometimes it's just not appropriate to belittle people. Back off.

TheUpsideOfIt · 29/01/2018 19:02

For goodness sakes!
This is not emotionally abusive!
What utter ignorance!
I hope you never have to see what real abuse is!

It sounds like a combination of exhaustion and post natal depression.

I'd go and see your GP and tell them how you've been feeling.

username7979 · 29/01/2018 19:08

Parenting is emotional work. 16 years of being button-pushed! Check the resources and the support you can get from a listening partner at Hand in hand parenting.

nuttyknitter · 29/01/2018 19:23

I'm sorry but minimising and excusing this behaviour as 'something everyone does' really doesn't help the OP. As a one off it probably won't cause permanent damage but if it's repeated it will. I've done a lot of work around safeguarding in a professional capacity and persistent behaviour like this would be counted as abuse. The OP knows she needs help - I'm simply agreeing with that.

Lizzie48 · 29/01/2018 19:28

No one is minimising. It wasn't good at all. The OP isn't minimising either, she clearly feels awful and is getting help. Are you saying she should call SS and say she isn't a fit mother? What are you saying should happen now more than has already been said??

purpleprincess24 · 29/01/2018 19:36

My son was also a very longed for ivf baby. I know I put pressure on myself to be the perfect Mum (not that one exists) and to always have a smile on my face. I certainly felt unable to say just how very awful the reality was some days.

He was a little shit as a toddler and I lost the plot on more than one occasion but so long as it remains a one-off incident no harm has been done. Perhaps it’s a good thing that this has happened, as you’re clearly struggling and recognise that you need some help

Ps my darling boy child is 25 and moved straight back after university, so I must done something right (please god let him move out one day!!!

stardust18 · 29/01/2018 19:42

OP I could have written this myself. I think myself its because I've got a 10 month old and a almost 4 year old who is tantruming all the time and the baby cry's whenever I put him down. I'm shattered my husband works long hours and I have no support. I offen think about getting in my car and driving off( of course I never would)
But things will get better and easier over time. Then one day I'll be sad when my babies don't need me anymore. I go off and sit on the back step for 5 minutes and take some deep breaths and remember bed time will so roll round again.

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