I screamed at her...

[Feellikeworstmummyever]

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

Yes my OH does her fair share. It's just us two though, no family anywhere near us, so my DD is very attached to us, and except for nursery, has never been away from us.
Standing up nappy changes must take a lot of skill, Queenie

I had a really hard time when DS was 2. I think looking back I was a bit depressed and not coping well - I wish I had seen my GP at the time. I think you should consider this.

Things that helped:

Using pull up nappies (not the brand Pull Ups but the ones from Aldi/Pampers which are like actual pants). Changing upright was so much easier

Getting outside or changing activity. A quick walk with him in the buggy always helped us both (obviously time dependent)

Switching off work email - I had a tendency to get v stressed in the mornings by external stuff and then be less focused on the job of getting toddler ready

Taking a moment away - as long as toddler is safe (as you did) then it's good to take a moment to get your breath back, remind yourself of their age, talk yourself through your feelings and then go back out.

Re the nappy changes, I used to pin the shoulders down with a foot to keep them still.

Kids can be so difficult. Imagine if you knew an adult that treated you the same way a child did. You'd hate them! When my dd pushes the limits I put her in bed until she's calmed down. Maybe it would be worth taking a behaviour management class.

She just came up to me and said "Mummy sad?"

I feel terrible that she's seen this. Need to fix this now before she gets any older...

I find that getting out in the fresh air really helps give some perspective also being with other Mums. Do you go to any classes/play sessions where you socialise?

Sweetheart - none of us are perfect mums, or perfect parents, we are all just doing our best.

My DS is older now, but I remember the early days, and I've had some awful moments myself, admittedly we were in an extremely awful situation in the early days.

The best thing you can do is to manage your anger by finding a way to make sure she is safe and leave the room for a few minutes, for her to calm down and for you.

The hitting doors isn't good, and you know this. you have given yourself (and dd) a scare, you need to learn from this and move on.

It's a kids job to push boundaries, they push and push no matter where you put them, that's their job. The boundaries and discipline show them they are cared for and loved.

Losing our temper is not good for anyone, but I know my son sometimes has pushed me and pushed me - literally all day - until I did snap.

turns out he was feeling in need of reassurance somehow and wanted to cry and have a cuddle... so we spoke about this (and whenever he was on a mission) and I said to him to cut out the nightmare bit and if he wanted a cuddle and a bit of reassurance we could do that without the crappy behaviour

Your DC is little, so reasoning with her isn't easy at the moment, so a bit of breathing, counting and management is needed, it won't be forever, it does get easier.

My huge preteen got down from his bed last night because he wanted hugs and kisses... we are the closest 2 people can be, me and him, we've been through a LOT.

You absolutely can do this. Trust me, if I can, so can you.

please keep posting, you need the solidarity and support of others. anonymous others are really good in this kind of situation, we say things we won't say to friends who know us

Punching the door is really not ok, did she see you do that?
Toddlers can be world class wind up merchants, they really know how to push every button you have, but you do need to find other ways to release your emotions that don't involve violence. Walking away while she's in a safe place was great. I also find singing a silly song helps. Even if it's through gritted teeth to begin with!

Also giving them choices, so if she's playing up about getting dressed, let her choose the outfit and what order the clothes go on.
For nappy changes I used to pay a game to see how quickly we could do it. Eg ok, stay still and I bet we can do this before I count to twenty, and then we can play x

No, I have no friends at all here. We moved last year for a change of lifestyle, to be able to spend more time with our daughter. We were both full time shift workers (police) before she was born. We wanted to be around for her, and so moved 300 miles away from everyone we knew, to buy mortgage free in Cornwall, as we love the outdoor life.
Going to the beach shortly... Sandcastles for DD, and head clearing for Mummy.

It's so hard at that age. My dd is 3 now and still hard work but it's finally getting easier. I used to get so frustrated and shouted a lot. However I just had to tell my self that it's a phase and it will pass. The terrible 2s put me off having any more children! I couldn't go through it again. I used to think I would end up in a psych ward! Just remind yourself that it's a phase. It will get better I promise! 💐

I'd have a look at what kind of behaviour from your child triggers you to feel so angry and come up with a plan of how to deal with it while you're calm. It seemed like walking away and withdrawing attention when she was being difficult during the nappy change worked well for eg.
If you don't have to be anywhere then I wouldn't push getting dressed. If you do then going in pyjamas isn't a huge problem at 2.
It is a difficult age because everything's about now and encouraging co-operation is hard. Give it a year or so and you can use strategies like 'let's get dressed really quickly so we've got time for x'.

All parents shout or get cross at some point, that's normal and healthy, and I believe it's important for children to learn how their behaviour can impact on others, and that it's not ok to do things that make their parents angry or upset.

However it sounds like your anger has now got beyond this. This is not healthy, and needs to be addressed. You obviously realise this, as you have posted about it, and believe me, speaking from personal experience with my DH, you need to do something about it now. Go to your GP, and explain what's happening and the anger you are feeling. They can refer for anger management, and look at other support available. I suspect that the underlying anger is nothing to do with your DD, but unless you address it now, she will be the one who takes the brunt of it.

Good luck OP

As a one off it's fine, learn from it, move on and don't do it again. Don't beat yourself up these babies are very challenging and loosing it once really isn't the end of the world. You punched the door, not her. She is never going to remember you shouting at her.

I used to go and stand outside in the back garden and scream very loudly when ds was like this. You are not alone, neither are you the only one. It's not about being a perfect mother (bit like unicorns, they don't exist), but about being the best Mum you can be. You can only achieve that by looking after yourself.

If she didn't want to get dressed, and you don't have anywhere to be - leave her, but if she wants to do something/play with something, then say, only when you are dressed. I had many mornings when ds was put in the back of the car in pjs, with school uniform beside him as he had decided to be difficult. He had usually decided to get changed in the car once at school to save face.

It does get better, but them growing up is not without its challenges. I went back to the UK to pick ds up from uni for Christmas. Part way round the M25, I had had enough of his tone and attitude, so I told him if he didn't moderate both, I would pull over and dump him and all his belongings on the side of the motorway, and he could sort out either getting back to college or on to Belgium. He shut up. He's 22!!

You will get there; the little darlings don't come with a manual, and no-one prepares you for how you'll cope and feel either. It's a steep learning curve for everyone.

Sometimes you need to walk away (ensuring your DC is safe OF COURSE) I have strapped DC in her buggy and then stood on my own at the bottom of the garden in the pouring rain screaming and crying. You did absolutely the right thing the first time by removing yourself, but once you had the clean nappy on you could have de-escalated the whole thing by letting her stay in her pjs and not engaging in the battle.

You know screaming and punching in front of your DC is not good for either of you, you are the biggest single influence in her life and she will copy you. She will also pick up on unconscious things like silent seething and an inability to express anger in a constructive way.

I read your update about wanting to be the perfect mum and it could have been me. I think sometimes wanting to be the perfect mum includes wanting to have the prefect child and of course neither thing exists. We set ourselves up to fail if that's what we want. There is a great saying 'Try not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good'

I agree that you need support. Get some counselling to enable you to express your anger in a safe way and also to work out what is going on with you and why you feel this way. Also, work some time off into your routine.

Another one here who thinks it’s dreadful that you punched the door! All you are doing is showing your child that this is how we manage our anger.

I can warn you now there is going to be so much more challenging behaviour. The best thing to do is smile and give the child a hug if you feel your anger rising. Or leave the room. You won’t regret doing either.

Children this age march to their own beat. They don’t comply. They will eventually but not yet.

I think I've always had anger issues you need to look at ways to deal with that as tired or not ( most parents are tired tbh), fed up with a young child or not ( we all have days) punching a door several times and screaming at a child is not on. As a one off that you learn from possibly it’s ok but what about next time she screams about nappy change? What will you do then punch the door again, punch the child? Scream at the child again?

Maybe getting out for a few hours on your own at the weekend would do you the world of good? Leave dd with your oh and even if you go out to a coffee shop for 1 or 2 hours with a book or take yourself out for a walk alone. That way you would get a breather

Do you take dd to any toddler groups, soft play etc so she can let off some steam?

Would pull up pants make nappy change easier?

Having toddlers can be so hard. You need some strategies in place to help you cope with things.

What about pull ups for your DD, or could she be ready for potty training if she's resisting getting her nappy changed?

When it feels like it's getting too much and you feel like you're going to boil over, stop whatever you're doing and walk away, getting her dressed can wait for 5 mins, take some deep breaths and let the situation cool down before you try again.

Distract her instead of shouting, maybe give her a book to look at while you change her.

I've lost count but of how many times I've lost my rag with despair at my hotly defiant youngest DD- she battled over every tiny & minute detail of the day. Getting ready, eating, going into the buggy, car seat, shoes on, shoes off- you name it, she fought me on it. The nappy changing was horrendous- she was so powerful and agile that she could wriggle out of every hold. (I potty trained early than I might have done because of this).
In order to get any joy out of being with her, I had to take breaks to be by myself- usually a day spent elsewhere, or in bed reading / crosswords / DVD's. It really was the only way to retain my sanity as she was so demanding and challenging. My parents helped and my DH would take her out of the house all day so I could reset- usually on a Sunday.

It gets better with age & maturity, but I would start to implement some changes now that allow you to carve out space for yourself. Also reflect on the fact that it takes an entire village to raise a child- use whatever resources you have- extra hours in childcare if possible, roping in help from family & friends. Challenging children can change the whole dynamic of Parenting and put you under extreme pressure. Be kind to yourself and now you are aware of where your anger/ frustration can take you, get proactive.

Have you tried giving her your phone with YouTube kids on just for nappy changes?

Works a dream...

How much pressure are you under op? I went through something similar (but directed my anger at dh rather than ds) when I went back to work ft and underestimated how I'd feel. I ended up feeling like I was doing neither my job nor parenting very well. Lost the plot a few times and ended up having to go to occupational health.

I could also see a scenario where, if you're the one taking on most of the childcare and chores as a sahp you might feel like this too.

I think you need to work out what triggers this in you - toddlers are hard work, but your coping mechanisms seem diminished, which suggests you're anxious or stressed about other things? You describe it as always feeling close to the edge which does suggest a more general anxiety.

The way you responded at first was good - sometimes you need to just walk away, count to ten, then return to the situation.

It's positive that you've recognised it as a problem and want to get help.

I’ve never shouted at my child in anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve wanted to MANY TIMES. But I know I’d be modelling that behaviour to him, and it’s not something I want him to do either. I never shouted as a teacher either, I was a much bigger fan of the sinister silence/icy stare.

I don’t think it’s unforgivable to shout at a child, don’t get me wrong, but I think it’s possible to have enough self control not to. That said, not shouting does NOT a perfect parent make. I’d never claim to be anything of the sort!

Well I kicked the door once. It didn't mean that I had anger issues or was depressed. It meant that I was pushed to the end of my tether on that particular occasion. I learned from that incident. I expect the people on this thread reassuring you are those that have done similar and it has not been repeated, like I did not repeat kicking the door.

I think it was helpful to me to reflect on that occasion and recognise when I was about to lose it and learn what steps to take to de-escalate the situation.

I think when you've had IVF there is an awful lot of pressure that builds up. You spend so long dreaming about having your own child and imagining a perfect idyll that when you get down to the nitty gritty of parenting it can be a huge shock when it's not what you built it up to in your head and it can lead to resentment and guilt.

What happened wasn't good, but on the positive side, you are recognising what is wrong and you are prepared to deal with it. Discussing this with your HV and possibly GP (to see if there are underlying issues such as depression) is a good idea. Financially, could you think about any form of private counselling or anger management?

It's also worth looking at the Children's Services section of your local council's website as they often run parenting courses which cover topics like this and positive parenting.

Sorry no advice on the door thing, I think it's pretty much covered up thread.

We use pull ups and do standing up nappy changes for my ds (20m), if he does a poo we use CBeebies and change laying down. With lots of pointing 'look!' Does the job most of the time. He has always screamed, clawed, hit, rolled, kicked for nappy change and it's the only way we can make it stress-free.