I screamed at her...

[Feellikeworstmummyever]

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

"I don't think people are downplaying it because they think it's fine to punch a door and scream, I think people just aren't focusing on condemning OP for it because she knows it's awful and isn't claiming otherwise, so making her feel worse isn't going to achieve anything."

Yes Greensleeves well put. It's actually really odd that there are so many people condemning the behaviour without any help being offered.

Hi there OP

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. The important thing is to find strategies so it doesn’t happen again. DD is nearly two and totally defiant sometimes. I don’t know if this helps but these are some things I do:

1. Distract: ‘Ooh, look an interesting thing’ if you catch the tantrum early enough. Could be anything they’s Be interested in (CBeebies!). Often works but if not go to phase two.

2. Disengage: if the distraction hasn’t worked and it’s too late then take yourself out of the situation. There is no reasoning with an angry, upset toddler. DD won’t even let me touch her at this point so I usually go about doing whatever it is I was doing (tidying, washing up) and let her burn it all out, as long as she’s safe and not destroying anything.

3. Comfort: once she’s calmed down a bit and is just groaning to herself and sobbing then I offer her a cuddle and I rock her like a baby. We make up and I explain to her why we could do that thing/have that thing etc.

Is she really verbal and good at communicating? I bribe DD with things, sometimes food but often things she wants to do i.e.- if you put your shoes on we can go to the park and play on the swing (essentially what we were going to do anyway)

All you need are some strategies. Good luck.

Another thing I thought of is supplements. If you are tired and run down do try taking a good supplement. Low magnesium in particular can lead to outbursts. My teenager started magnesium supplements and has become calmer. You can google it of course, it's also known to often help with kids with short temper and ADHD, plus can help with depression and anxiety I believe.

Not the best advice maybe but helps, my daughter also decides occasionally to squirm and flip herself around during nappy changes, as per a PP we give her an old phone with baby games on (baby phine game on android is her favourite), keeps her occupied and still for nappy changes

poppy my worry was that OP feels bad about it, lots of people pile in with reassurance that "it's okay, everyone does it sometimes" which could result in OP thinking maybe it's not so bad after all. this is something that needs to be addressed, it's good that OP plans to consult her GP

Well done for addressing it op and good luck.

One of the most useful things I heard was not to attribute adult emotions to your child's behaviour. She's not doing it to spite you, wind you up or be difficult.

Also, pick your battles. Depending on where you were going, could she not have just gone in pyjamas? It doesn't matter really does it?

When my DD was at this stage, I used to try and picture my wild uni days and what all my mates would say if they could see me wrestling a toddler in order to get to a yummy mummy suburban playgroup. Finding the humour really helps.

OP - you've come here for help and because you realise that how you reacted is not good for you or your daughter, and there is an acknowledgement of some underlying ongoing anger/frustration issues.

Generally in life the only things we can control are our reactions to things - (we have little control really over the actions of others, and in particular young children)

Have you considered CBT? This is exactly the sort of thing that CBT is really great for. Go to a therapist - or just get a book and read it. The basis of CBT is looking at thoughts, behaviours and feelings and how these three things interact. And how if we examine the links you can rewrite your patterns of thoughts and behaviours.

Try to bear in mind that your daughter is not trying to make you angry, she is just doing the normal things kids do. They are looking to us to help guide them and shape their behaviour so that they in turn learn to manage their own feelings, thoughts and behaviours.

Seek help and things will get better.

Good luck

I thought at first you were sleep deprived which would explain your behavior and I could sympathize with that. But you say she sleeps through the night, every night.

You’ve got to stop screaming at your child and punching things. Otherwise you will be teaching your child that anger and punching and tantrums (yours) are the order of the day. She is acting normally, it is your behavior that needs work. Please don’t go down this path, that’s not the relationship you want to have with your child, is it?

Well done for taking the first step to getting help OP. I think it's a really good sign that you are recognising the situation and wanting to change it.

Good luck

Feel proud you've noticed your behaviour and are willing to get support!

Well done for making the GP appointment - it’s not too late to change things

Well done for addressing it @op. I think the GP is a good idea.

You need friends / peers with similar aged kids to hang out with. I don't think humans were designed to spend long days alone with toddlers it's enough to drive any one up the wall. I have good mental health but could not have got through the early years without the other mums I met at playgroups. Really work on building a supportive network. I moved to a new city with a toddler and literally went on the pull for mum friends at playgroups.

Huge hugs OP. Hugs to your DD too. This can be easy for either of you. Haven’t really got any advice but well done for making the GP appointment. That the first step in dealing with how you feel.

I was going to come on and suggest you see your GP, and see that you have so well done for that.

The screaming and punching the door is not a normal reaction to challenging toddler behaviour and no it is not ok, I’m not going to tell you otherwise, and yes you probably terrified your child.

If you deal with it now hopefully it will be a one off incident that will fade from her memory, if not there is every chance that it will happen again and/or escalate and you could potentially really damage your daughter.

Please follow up on the help your GP offers, I wish you luck.

It's great that you're seeking help. In the meantime, I read a good piece of advice on here the other day which said that when your baby or young child is pushing your temper and stress levels to the limit, repeat in your head over and over and over again "It's not about me! It's not about me!"

I took that to mean that you need to remember that your 2 year-old behaving like a nightmare is NOT a reflection on your parenting or your mood or worth as a person. It is a 2 year-old doing what two-year-olds are meant to do and going through a bloody annoying but essential part of their development.

I honestly think the idea that it is unrealistic to expect 100% calm behaviour from someone who is sleep-deprived, constantly engaged in repetitive tasks, and dealing with a small person who isn't cooperating. There is a lot of sanctimonious shite on here from people who insist they are more perfect in their behaviour than Jesus Christ, but I don't believe a word of it. You are being way too hard on yourself. Your child is not going to suffer any lasting damage from you losing it just once.

"I honestly think the idea that it is unrealistic to expect 100% calm behaviour from someone who is sleep-deprived, constantly engaged in repetitive tasks, and dealing with a small person who isn't cooperating."

100% agree whisky. We wouldn't judge someone in another equally stressful situation from responding in a way like this when completely losing it. Yes, people have a greater responsibility to act better and try keep it together because they're in front of an impressionable child, but nobody can sit there and judge OP for losing it once. She didn't hurt her child, she didn't endanger her, she didn't walk off and leave her unsupervised, she did something she recognises needs not to happen again, but it is not the end of the world.

I get you, OP. I have anger issues too, because of PTSD going back to childhood SA. And I also had to wait a long time for a family, we adopted our DDs after failed IVF. So I understand the pressure you can feel to be a perfect mum after fighting so hard to have your DD.

But clearly punching the door isn't great. I confess I once kicked the bath panels in a rage at my now dead abusive father, after a horrible flashback. (Thankfully the DDs were asleep and didn't hear me. But the man fixing it asked me how it happened and I obviously didn't want to tell him.) It never happened again.

Doing it in front of your DD will have been scary for her but you did the right thing by moving away from her.

Anger management would help. I went on to medication because of my anger, they prescribed Sertraline, and it's made a big difference. You need to do what you have to in order to control this.

I see that you have taken steps now and that's great. Well done, OP, it's not easy to do, I know that.

One thing that helps my mood a lot is to get outside in the very early morning. Do you have a battery baby monitor that can sit on the windowsill or in your pocket while you get some fresh air and exercise? I used to enjoy weeding and hanging out the washing and then having a sense of achievement by the time I had to go back in.

I grew up with a shouty mum who lost her temper and whatever was in front of her got thrown. Even her dinner.

This.

You need to get out and make some other mum friends. Ones who are honest and say things like “don’t worry I shouted at my kids yesterday “.
It’s really hard breaking into new friendships in a new area. I did the same and was so isolated. I made myself go to some mother and baby groups and had cups of tea and chats with mums I didn’t have much in common with but it really helped. And I’ve made some good ones who are frankly my sanity on days like you had.

I forced myself wayyyy out of my comfort zone and invited other nursery mums for coffee etc. I didn’t know any of them but they were mostly in the same boat and needed friends too.

It does get easier when our children get older. They make their own friends and you get to know their parents through play dates etc.

Well done for coming on here and most importantly you know it was wrong and you need to get a handle on it.

We all lose our temper at times. The key thing is that you said sorry (my mum never said sorry) and you want to change.

Find an outlet and find some sympathetic mum friends for the long rainy days when you’re cooped up in house with a 2 year old...

You’re going to be fine and it does get easier

Wow, biscuit for the people feeling sorry for an adored and cared for little girl.

Get real people. Theres a big bad world out there where many two year olds are experiencing actual bad things.

So we can’t be concerned for this two year old because other two year olds are going through worse?

You sound like a thoughtful, reflective parent to me OP.

Plenty of us have had days/weeks/phases when we have had our buttons pressed and you acknowledge that you would like to avoid having this happen again. You calmed down, hugged her and resolved to seek help. That sounds pretty good parenting to me.

I would start by being kinder to yourself. I wonder whether the IVF is a factor here? You mention it first up, and I understand why, but I wonder if you feel you need to be a better than average parent because your dd was so wanted? You do realise that you don't need to feel any more grateful - or be any more perfect - than if she had been an unplanned, speedy conception?

I only mention this as sometimes efforts to be an uber parent can backfire into moments that are, as you acknowledge, not great at all. Anger is often fear, isn't it - fear that maybe you are not living up to some ideal, not paying back in your mothering the 'luck' of actually having her?

I would start by being kinder to yourself, taking some time out, lowering your expectations of yourself and you might find that you have more resources. With some of the pressure off, you might find it easier to detach from her behaviour and deal with it calmly.