I screamed at her...

[Feellikeworstmummyever]

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

I've found this stage hard. My son is nearly 3 now and it's looking hopefully like we're out the other side. I'm a single working mum, totally on my own and there have been times where I've had to leave the room and scream into a pillow for a minute. They really test patience and I don't know any of my parent friends who haven't shouted or been close to shouting.

Time outs (for you) are a good idea. There’s nothing wrong with leaving her to play somewhere safe and contained where you can hear her, and just having five minutes to yourself.

Ds totally skipped the terrible twos but became an awful threenager. That year was the only time I have ever come very close to smacking him (I didn't). Plenty of times I shouted though - and I walked away to calm down a fair amount too!

I find it hard at times. I have a 2 year DD too. I have occasionally lost my shit and just cried in rage and frustration. Whilst I think it's normal to lose your cool now and then and walk away, I think the punching is an issue and something you shouldn't let happen again.

I find I'm generally better if I can exercise, eat well, have a bit of time to myself doing something I enjoy each week, get up and showered before my DD wakes get out and about in the morning. The things that ground you might be a bit different from mine but maybe think about what you need from life to keep yourself under control and prioritise it.

Its a hard stage.
You did the right thing walking away.
Try to keep taking deep breaths thinkng ng this too shall pass.

The next few months will be anticipating what will cause a tantrum. Theres been many a thread on reasons toddlers tantrum " cutted up pear" being one.

Sometimes giving them a choice helps.
When it comes to getting out of pjs try saying do you want red tshirt or blue t shirt? Yellow socks or green socks?

Bewarned and think that what you think is outrageous choices may seem fine to them. ( tutu and wellies, Ninja turtles sweatshirt with kilt was another)
There may be days you'll want to wear a tshirt saying " they dressed themselves"

I've got some anger issues too OP. I haven't gone as far as hitting the door but I am more shouty than I wanted to be and I give DP a harder time than he deserves sometimes. Time away is essential. I've recently taken up running and my DP said yesterday that I haven't even snapped once since I started. It's only 30 mins 3 times a week but it makes all the difference, I can really clear my mind and feel so much better for it.

You’ve obviously name changed for this thread, so I don’t want to out you, but did you start a thread about a week ago about your DP? If it was you, I think you need to look at your life balance and see what you need. This ‘move to the country’ is all good on paper, but it’s a HUGE change to your life & not always the ‘idle’ people think it will be. I’d go out of my bloody mind isolated with a 2yo (and I love kids!). The beach is beautiful, but I need coffee shops and people - adults!

My toddler is only 1 but she got started on the tantrums/nappy change refusal early. At the start of that transition from lovely baby to angry bag of opinions, I started to lose it too.

I got it back again and this is how:-

Nappy changes: sing songs. "Happy and you know it" is the best because if you're clapping, you're not rolling.
I also say stuff like "well, it's time to change your nappy, so I'm going to lie you on the table and blah di blah and blah di blah" in this calming singysongy voice. If she's playing with a toy at the time, she can bring it up onto the table. 90% of the time, it goes ok. The remaining 10%, I keep breathing deep breaths and try to distract her gently from her plan to roll off the table.

Tantrums in general: I narrate how she's feeling. I say "I understand! You wanted to put the USB cable in your mouth but mummy put the cable on top of the shelves so you can't reach it, and it's really frustrating for you because you really wanted to chew it" sort of thing. Like, yeah, kid, life is hard. I get it. We're still doing it my way. Give her a hug and... boom. She's usually over it by the time I've finished chuntering on at her.

Avoiding show downs: give her a little heads up about stuff that is going to be a change of what she's doing "going to be brushing our teeth in a bit", closed choices "Do you want to put your trousers or your top on first?", routines up the wazzoo so things are more predictable for us both, picking my battles so it's not constantly me telling her off for being a toddler. Not giving her too much attention when she loses her shit, just give her a hug and put her down again.

Keeping my cool: mantras like "Share my calm, not join her chaos" "I'm sorry you feel that way about nappies!", "well, shit I guess I can try out for Parent of the Year award in 2019", walking off for a bit, gently massaging her when we have our (fleeting) cuddles and remembering how snuggles feel when she's being difficult. Noticing when my temper is running out and sort of doing the same routine on myself in my head "I understand, I'm getting angry because she's flipping out and making what should be a simple task three times slower while screaming at me for taking too much time. This is frustrating for me."

You know what you did was wrong and you're not going to do it again. So, don't worry about fucking her up. You'd only properly fuck her up if you did that sort of thing on the regular. We all shit the bed. It's ok to be good enough.

My DS was HORRENDOUS at 2/3 - he had huge, huge tantrums that would go on for hours, over tiny things. I understood that he was frustrated, and I would hold it together for a long time, but occasionally I just couldn't bear the screaming and battling for another second. When I started to feel like that I'd leave him to it for a minute, go in the bedroom, put pillows over my head and scream into the duvet! (He didn't notice as his own screaming was too loud) It actually helped a lot, after letting out my frustration I could go back to staying mostly calm. Try that?

It is a bloody tough time, especially when you're dealing with it alone.

I just wanted to be the perfect Mum, and I feel that asking for support is like me admitting defeat, that I can't do it alone.

Nobody is the perfect mum. I have yelled and once I screamed at them in the car when they were screaming and wouldn't listen - I outscreamed them! Most people have lost it at one time or another and while it's not good, and we try to avoid it, I don't think it's the end of the world for your child to see that they can push it too far (as long as they're not hurt of course). Apologise to her and explain you were tired and grumpy, and you won't do it again.

Do you think there's a reason for your feelings of anger? Some counselling might help you. It's also very difficult feeling isolated.

Lastly I did once phone a parenting helpline I found on the web, one day when DS had raged and screeched non-stop and I just wanted to run out of the door and never be seen again! I think it was called parentline or similar - have a google and you might find something like that. You can just talk to someone about what you're finding hard and it releases the frustration and stress.

Interestingly when I did that, DS was wailing in the background then as I talked to the person who picked up, he stopped, came over and snuggled quietly on my lap. It was as if turning my attention away and calming down myself allowed him to stop too, if that makes sense.

Are there any toddler groups near you? I have found having friends with children a godsend. The best place to start looking is libraries, community centres, children’s centres, church halls. Also franchises like Music with Mummy, tumbletots etc might do things around where you are. If it’s fairy rural where you are there could be forest schools around too.

My eldest is 3 and when I’m not feeling 100% I have been known to be grumpy with her, I now know that we need to get out and about much more which we do.

do you talk to her so she knows what is going to happen? now we're going to change your nappy, get dressed etc. Agree about giving illusion of choice, green top or blue, do this first or that.
Definitely try to meet other parents, and see if there are parenting classes near you, or read for tips. It's a lonely job sometimes.

No one is the perfect mum, no one.

You must see your GP. It sounds like you have depression.

Anger and irritability
Feeling like your child would be better off with another mother

Are both big red flags. I bet there are more of them if you think about it.

I think most people lose their temper with their DC from time to time. However, getting so angry you punch a door in front of your child and ‘screaming’ at her does sound as if you are not in control of your anger and I think you should speak to someone about it. You also say you shout a lot at her in general. Bearing in mind she is not even 2 yet and your OH has noticed that you can be short tempered with her, please try and get some help and nip this in the bud now. It sounds like you are really stressed and possibly a perfectionist.

Get a copy of the book "How to talk so little kids will listen" - it is really, really good.

And see if there's a lesbian mums / rainbow families / LGBT parents group near you - our local one is amazing for others who understand that horrible feeling of "I wanted this so much that I went through invasive treatment and WTF for" - it's a horrible feeling but it is normal. I'm finding age 3 is better than 2...

I used to get very angry but my answer came on a stress management course at home. If you can change it ( the cause of the stress) change it, if you cannot accept it as fact and don't fight it. I understand exactly what you're going through at nappy changing as my DGS is staying with us for a few days. When I babysit him at his he's really good at nappy changing, here however after the first change he realised that I was going to give him every change Houdini arrived. It took a couple of changes to get him to lie down and I did that by lying him down and playing with him, then left him to play with the toy whilst I changed him.

The funny thing is that although I had 3 of my own I only remember one of them doing it

You really need to get some adult company around you, comparisons and ideas sharing about parenting. What works, what doesn’t. Find some local groups and attend them weekly. Perhaps you’ll make some friends. Or perhaps your dd will find a friend they like and you can invite them and their mummy to tea or for their next birthday party. Make this your mission to find some friends. Perhaps even go to the local church coffee mornings with the local elderly people. A small child brings such joy and will give you some time to speak to others. I found other adults hugely helpful.

As for your mental health, i think I’d put your dd in nursery for a bit longer even if it is half a day so you get some me time. And get some therapy. Don’t feel guilty. Use any spare cash for this rather than a holiday, which can be lovely. But at your dds age is normally stressful. Child friendly trips to local places of interest for your pleasure, visiting family and friends really are as good as holidays for a 2 yo. Besides you already live in a holiday destination by the sound of it.

My dd was ivf and I know just going through it is hugely stressful. And yes, I did very much have an idealised vision of parenting, which is very different from the truth.

we love our mothers - even when they are awful. Remember this, your DD loves you. If you can focus on this, it will help you keep things in perspective. You are a good mother because you are feeling wretched. a crap mother wouldn't acknowledge what has happened.

OP, the perfect mother is in your head, it's unattainable. I understand that there will be additional (self-placed) pressure on you because of the IVF, but my love, the IVF is irrelevant now that she's here. I don't know if there is a way for you to understand that the way she was conceived, the stress, trauma and expense even perhaps, can't be allowed to shape the relationship or behaviour of your DD. She's just a little girl, to her its the same as to any other child.

Moving to Cornwall too - I know the dynamic there with people who have made the same decision for the same reasons, I've seen what it does to them. this nonsense won't help you feel strong either. Doubtless, anyone you know is living the Facebook Perfect Cornwall life - I guarantee they are not as happy as they are letting on either.

You are isolated in an isolated part of the country, you need to find a way to feel less alone, more supported and stimulated. Mumsnet can help, but please be kind to yourself and it will start to influence everything else in your life for the better.

Oh OP... parenthood is soul destroying at times.
I remember when I was a teen, I used to babysit two little boys. And the 6 year old told me once, "Mummy shouts at the rose bush." I remember thinking, "What a fucking loon." I was 15.

Now I'm 45 years old with 3 kids after 7 pregnancies and a stillbirth (where am I going with this? I'm letting you know that these kids of mine are SO loved and SO wanted). I have hit pillows, cried into pillows, locked myself in the bathroom, wanted to throw the baby and ME out with the bath water.

Lack of sleep, lack of resources, living in a world where everyone seemingly has their ducks lined up... it all gets to us.

It sounds corny but just say to yourself, "Disengage."
Walk away. Go into the bathroom. Have a cry. Have a read of a mail order catalogue on the bog. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Life goes on. Kids get older. It gets easier. But nothing will challenge you like the terrible 2s and 3s. I'm in the thick of it with my 3 year old. It's tough.

My cousin's wife (who is young and impossibly gorgeous and so is her firstborn baby girl) posted a pinterest-perfect photo on Instagram of her genetically perfect child, who, at 6 months, can do it all AND she sleeps through the night. Me? Dog shit looks prettier than me. I'm forty-fucking-five and I feel every single year of it. DC3 has never known a full night's sleep. I was up with him from 2am-4am last night, just zoning out, feeling miserable and exhausted. And he's just an utterly, lovely pain in the arse right now. He didn't do the terrible twos. He skipped all that and saved it all up for 3 1/2. And it's biblical. He shrieked because he couldn't bring our box of spare light-bulbs to nursery with him today. That was fun.

Anyway, tea and sympathy, OP. Hug a pillow and cry into it next time. Walk away and breathe. And remember, this too shall pass.

I'm not going to say it's okay because I don't think it is.

I do think it's perfectly normal to sometimes despair at the behaviour of your toddler, I have two btw.

My 2.8 year old seems to dictate the entire mood of my day, if she's well behaved we have a lovely day if she's tantrum throwing, destructive, defiant, I often get to the end of the day and can't wait to just go to bed.

I often get cross and frustrated with my 2.8 year old, especially when I'm trying to get ready to go out and do something nice and she won't get dressed, clean her teeth, eat breakfast.....it is so frustrating! And there have been many occasions I've ended up shouting and felt awful afterwards. BUT, it's never ok to physically lash out even if it is at a door/wall, that would be absolutely terrifying for your toddler and you do realise her 'real tears' were out of fear don't you? If you find yourself angered to this point again you must walk away and calm down!

What are your triggers? Which elements of her behaviour make you so angry? Are there ways to avoid those elements?

Toddlers can be really really hard work, you're not alone finding it hard sometimes, you haven't failed as a mother if you sometimes need a break or feel it's overwhelming - we all do!

So...

You have a much loved DD after a difficult, and possibly lengthy journey to be parents. All parents dream about how it is going to be, but you had longer to dream and build your expectations.

You also moved to an area with no support networks to live your dream.

Professionally, are any alarm bells ringing here?

What advice would you give to another woman who was struggling here?

What is the first step you need to take, and can you take it today?

I grew up with a shouty mum who lost her temper and whatever was in front of her got thrown. Even her dinner.

I have always known I've had anger issues but I've never been pushed too far. Until i had kids and i became my shouty mother. There is an outline of a train on the wall where i got really angry and threw a toy train at the wall while trying to potty train my son. It turns out he may have asperger's so any guilt i felt has been multiplied by a million!

I have vowed that i am not going to end up like my mother and my kids are not going to comply because they are scared of me. I make a conscious effort to remove myself from a situation if i can see things not working and me getting stressed. Sometimes i talk to my son and ask him if mummy has to shout before he will listen or is it nicer to do what i've asked and then he can do what he wants (he is 4 though so i can explain why i need him to do what i've asked etc) and i am not as shouty as i used to be.

At least you have recognised that you have a problem and can get some help for it. You will be ok and your daughter wont be traumatised

OP, you're struggling with what SO many of us mums struggle with: Depression.
Get help. It's there.
It sucks being depressed. No one wants to be 'that mum'. I am right now. I am undeniably depressed. Too much pressure. My eldest is sinking in GCSEs. My middle child is neglected. My youngest is a tyrant. My husband and I have NO us time. And I am underslept and depressed. I'm seeing my GP this week because I am sick of how shouty and grumpy I've become.
Go get support OP. It's ok to not enjoy being a parent from time to time. It can be totally overwhelming! Getting the help will shine a light back on your life. No one, not one mother, loves this role 24/7. We love our kids 24/7 but it's a tough slog, no lie.

This is partly about control and not having control over your environment. One of my children would follow me every time I walked away to calm down. Ear defenders helped me. Honestly. You can get really thick ones that block out a lot of noise. It sounds bad to resort to this but when my girls used to fight more, I would find it calming. Then you can even stay involved more rather than walking away to calm down. Yes there are parenting steps you can take to divert her tantrums but there will be times when she will not stop and you need to find ways to manage how it effects you.