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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I screamed at her...

156 replies

Feellikeworstmummyever · 29/01/2018 09:23

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

OP posts:
poppy54321 · 29/01/2018 11:50

Oh the other thing I did years back was give up shouting for lent. That helped as it is quite a long time and you never go back to it the same but at the time you only have to get through lent.

grannytomine · 29/01/2018 11:52

I had a wilful one, it is hard. Have you tried involving her in decisions e.g. shall we have the blue leggings or the red ones? It sometimes helps, mine was an old man in a baby body and he wanted some say. Obviously I didn't give him free range, didn't want him choosing his best shoes for a trip to the playground but offering a choice made him happier.

Maybe the nappy is signalling she wants to be out of them? I know she is young but maybe pull ups and being a "big girl" would help.

Please forget about being perfect, she doesn't want a robot as a mum, she wants you.

Good luck.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/01/2018 11:54

I just lost it. I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it

YABU. I'm quite shocked how many people are offering reassurance
to the OP saying that this is a not great but understandable response to stress.

OP, you need to address this. There are loads of resources available to help you e.g. parenting courses, online resources, health visitor and books.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/01/2018 11:57

I just lost it. I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it

I'm shocked how many people are offering reassurance to the OP and suggesting that this is a not great but understandable response.

OP, you need to address this. Otherwise, you'll continue in the same pattern. there are lots of resources out there – parenting courses, health visitor, books, online courses

poppy54321 · 29/01/2018 11:59

Also she will never be better off without you. What happened here is she screamed and screamed and learned that her behaviour affects other people sometimes very strongly. Yes she should be allowed to be cross or upset and you will learn to manage your reaction to that. You are concentrating on what you did wrong but also think about what you did right, you were sorry and your daughter got a long consoling cuddle. Not so bad after all.

Blackteadrinker77 · 29/01/2018 12:03

Poor little one, she must have been terrified.

That is not right and not acceptable, you need to sort it out.

poppy54321 · 29/01/2018 12:04

allthgoodusernamesaretaken -I think she is already starting to address this actually, the post sounds very honest. Perhaps you have missed that this seems to be a very low point that the OP is reacting to and already wanting to change.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 29/01/2018 12:07

Every toddler goes through this phase. You need to see someone for some anger management, screaming and punching doors is NOT acceptable for anyone.

flumpybear · 29/01/2018 12:07

You've scared your child. You give yourself that one chance only to get help before she starts learning g from you that it's ok to behave like that, it's not

Get counselling, can you get rid of your lent up frustration by boxing or similar ?

FWIW I always though of those dreadful times I'd lost babies through miscarriage when my babies were being hard work to calm myself down, often shedding a few tears but I'm a softie and don't really get angry and lash out take time out to hold your baby's hand and food, small things but look at them, really look at them, you made that baby, bring the best to her, not the temper flares

GrouchyKiwi · 29/01/2018 12:07

Parenting toddlers can be so difficult. Flowers

OP: I have PND, for the second time. The thing that made me get help this time was when I started raging at my children. Uncontrollable anger. It was awful, but what I have discovered is that this rage is a symptom of depression. It's a symptom that people don't talk about much.

Getting help is absolutely not failing as a mother. It is the best thing you can do in this situation. Talk to your GP and/or HV. Ask about the support that is available to you. Does Home Start operate in your area?

It's so hard when your children push and push and push. There's only so much we can take. Walking away, leaving your toddler in a safe place for 5-10 minutes is really helpful.

Do you get much time to yourself? Doing something for yourself even once a week will help relieve the stress.

Please please don't feel like a failure. Ask for help. You can do it. Flowers

poppy54321 · 29/01/2018 12:08

My Mum used to let my youngest wander round in tops and no bottoms at this age because my DD preferred it, just take her downstairs to play if you can. As a toddler my DD used to take her own nappy off and wee on the floor, not very nice but I couldn't stop her so I put up with it for a while.

DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 12:09

Shouting is one thing, everyone loses their temper at some point. However hitting the door several times is really concerning, especially in front of her.
I'm really surprised how many posters see downplaying this, they definitely wouldn't if a man did the same.

It's not normal to punch a door several times because a toddler won't get dressed, it's not helpful to pretend it is, please get help.

Original poster
Feellikeworstmummyever · 29/01/2018 12:10

Just got home for lunch, and caught up with posts. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post. Even the ones telling me I was being unreasonable, when I already knew this.
I am going to speak to my GP this week, and also look to attend a parenting course to help me better understand the toddler years, and how to get through them. My daughter deserves better, and a better Mummy she shall have.
I've read every post, and there has been some brilliant advice.

Thank you aIl.

OP posts:
poppy54321 · 29/01/2018 12:12

All the people posting that this is not acceptable, did you read the first and the last two lines?

DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 12:12

Well done for accepting help op. Flowers

Cheekylittlenumber · 29/01/2018 12:13

I second going to toddler groups, you realise that they're all little buggers and you're not alone.

You know you went too far with hitting the wall and that's a positive thing. Go to your gp for support. My DD (now 3 years) was very challenging for a while. I remember physically pinning her down on the naughty step when she wouldn't stay there and then feeling terribly guilty. Positive reinforcements definitely improve her behaviour (and lots of bribes!) we use the naughty step and punishment rarely now as it just doesn't work as well as praising the good behaviour.

Build up a support network of mates. My DH is a SAHD and we moved rurally for similar reasons. He was really shy but made friends with the local mums and now I'm good friends with them all too. It's changed our lives. Go to the toddler groups and smile and start chatting, and go from there. We now have friends we can call on if we need help. Our families live hours away.

Good luck OP!

rcit · 29/01/2018 12:13

And the OP is trying to sort it out by posting on here. She has acknowledged that punching the door was not the right response. Her dd is 1yo. There is no way this will be remembered by her - it was a one off incident. Op you are doing the right thing going to the beach with dd. Don’t hold yourself up to perfection. Forget this incident and don’t do it again.

Greensleeves · 29/01/2018 12:15

I don't think people are downplaying it because they think it's fine to punch a door and scream, I think people just aren't focusing on condemning OP for it because she knows it's awful and isn't claiming otherwise, so making her feel worse isn't going to achieve anything.

I suffer from depression and being socially isolated is absolutely disastrous for my mental health. At the same time, the more depressed and anxious I am the harder it is to engage outwardly, see people, make an effort and dig myself out. I would highly recommend a visit to the GP to talk about anti-depressants OP. They really do help.

Cath2907 · 29/01/2018 12:15

Another one here thinking the door punching was extreme and probably a bad sign. This isn't the last time the kid will push your buttons and you need to find a way of handling your anger.

GrouchyKiwi · 29/01/2018 12:15

Am glad you're getting help, OP. Flowers

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 29/01/2018 12:16

You need to get to the doctors.

Yes we all lose it but punching the door in front of her is not normal or acceptable.......lets face it. If your dh had done that and you posted about it you'd have everyone telling you to leave the bastard as he was potentially a danger to the child.

You're walking on very shonky ground right now, screaming at her all the time isn't on. Punching doors can and does escalate to hitting children. You may well clutch your pearls upon hearing that but it does. It's also teaching your child that screaming at people and hitting things is ok.

Get help, before things get any worse. The child you brought into this world has a right to feel safe and secure with both her parents. Right now she isn't.

LemonShark · 29/01/2018 12:16

"Also she will never be better off without you. What happened here is she screamed and screamed and learned that her behaviour affects other people sometimes very strongly"

I agree with this. It's not ideal but the important thing is that you recognise it and can now take steps to prevent it happening again in the future. If you ring your local MIND they sometimes offer anger management courses. I'd say the same to a man.

One thing you can try in future OP if you feel yourself rising to a fever pitch like this is put her in her cot and walk out of the house for a breather. She's safe in there and you can give yourself a much needed few minutes breather.

Please be kind to yourself, it's incredibly brave of you to share what you have here and I'm so glad that most of the responses have been supportive instead of beating you over the head or rushing to condemn. It would be awful if you thought this response was fine and carried on doing it but the fact you have taken it as a warning sign shows you're doing the best you can and willing to admit when you know it's crossed a line. Being screamed at for a long time by someone you're trying to care for and do your best for must be incredibly draining and none of us know exactly how we'd react in that situation. Yes, she was shocked by what happened, but it seems that it stopped her from screaming and enabled you both to move on to consoling and trying to put it behind you. I'm not saying it's right but if you take steps to avoid it happening again I doubt you'll have caused any long term damage from one incident in an otherwise loving relationship.

There are some good suggestions here OP, I wish you all the best

WooWooSister · 29/01/2018 12:20

It's great that you're going to speak to someone so I'm not going to address the relationship with your DD. Flowers

But I think you have to consider that your DD was the trigger this time but she may not be the cause. Sometimes our expectations of leaving work, moving to the country, etc, are far removed from the reality. I think you need to take time to consider if all these major shifts are fulfilling you.
It might be worthwhile having a chat with a counsellor. There's no shame in admitting that being a SAHM in the country isn't fulfilling you . . . and then working with your DP to restructure your lives so you both feel fulfilled.

flimflaminurjams · 29/01/2018 12:21

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Kids are hard work, no-one is perfect. Your posts show a theme of needing to be the best all the time and is that contributing to your stress, that when DD acts up, you think its a reflection on you?

Lots of good comments on here. Ok the door thing was not great but some of us are real on here and not holier than thou.

Blackteadrinker77 · 29/01/2018 12:21

All the people posting that this is not acceptable, did you read the first and the last two lines?

Yes I did, I also read that the op knew she was shouting and being over the top to the point her husband commented on it yet she choose to do nothing about it.

Can you imagine how scared that little girl must be? She doesn't understand that the op is sorry and is struggling a bit. My heart is crying out for her.

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