I screamed at her...

[Feellikeworstmummyever]

I'm posting here for traffic, I know I'm unreasonable.
My DD will be 2 in April. She's a much wanted (IVF) and very much loved little girl - 95% of the time, she's a dream.
She's hit the terrible two's a few months early, and we are having tantrums about pretty much everything, every day. This morning, I was trying to change her nappy whilst she was screaming at me, rolling around and refusing to stay still. I got up, walked downstairs closing the stair gate behind me so she couldn't follow so that I could calm down.
She cried for a minute or so at the gate before I went back up, and she then let me change her nappy without incident, but she then did the same when I started trying to change her out of her pyjamas into her clothes.
Cue 10 more minutes of her screaming at me, and making everything a battle, and I just lost it.
I punched the bathroom door several times and screamed at her to stop it.
She burst into proper tears, and then so did I and we had a cuddle for ages whilst we both calmed down.
This is the first time I've done this, and I'm scared I've been building up to it for a while. That said, I do seem to shout at her a lot, and my OH has even commented that I can be really short with her sometimes.
I feel angry a lot of the time and don't seem to be able to get over it. Normally I just shout at OH or silently brood about things that bother me.
I'm worried there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up damaging my child in the long term. I don't want to feel like this, or have her see/hear this and think it's normal. I feel awful and sometimes genuinely feel she'd be better off without me.

We've all been there. My son is 2 and extremely taxing. Never fucking sleeps or eats and tests my patience daily.

I use the pull up nappies for the wriggly little bugger.

Hang in there!!

Hey OP. It’s a really tough age and you are doing the right thing trying to keep your cool. Some great advice on here.
One of the scariest things for me as a kid was adults losing it without much acknowledgement then snapping straight back to normal as if nothing had happened. (And being pissed off with me for still being upset at that point).
So with mine after we’ve all calmed down I apologise to them in simple words and give them a big ‘sorry’ hug if they want one. I think they understand what I am saying and the sorry tone of voice even when they are tiny. That helps us both to draw a line under it if I have shouted.

And sometimes when they are a bit unsettled for whatever reason I put them in bed with me at night for a bit, that has helped everyone get more sleep. Sometimes just that’s helped us get past a temporary cycle of niggly behaviour and me getting grumpy about it. Good luck OP.

I could have written your post. I punched the shutters in my bedroom in a fit of frustration and rage when my 2yr old would not sleep. I felt awful, ashamed, and I vowed never to do it again. My daughter doesn't really tantrum, but she is a bad sleeper, and after 2 years that certainly pushes my buttons. I know the triggers but it can still be difficult to walk away when I'm 'in the moment'. But I'm the child of shouty, angry and physically abusive parents and the thought of repeating the pattern with my much loved and wanted daughter appalls me. My parents weren't bad people but they didn't know how to regulate or express their emotions in a healthy way and that did untold damage to my siblings and I.
I have what I call my 'holy trinity'. 10 mins daily meditation, regular exercise, and eating well. If I don't neglect any of these things, I'm centered, balanced and mostly calm. But I have to work hard at it and with a full time job and toddler it's not easy. I also get the Aha parenting e-mail newsletter and try and meet with other mum friends regularly to moan and let off a bit of steam.
I haven't fixed the shutters yet (not badly broken!). They are there to remind me of the consequence of neglecting my own self care. I hope I'll never forget how I felt that day, it's my motivation to do whatever it takes on an ongoing basis to manage my anger issues.
OP, you sound like you are open to doing whatever it takes to stop this. That matters hugely to your daughter. Good luck

Great post alphaechokiwi! I am tempted to try your daily calming routine and I don't have a toddler.

Great post alphaecholowi

*One of the most useful things I heard was not to attribute adult emotions to your child's behaviour. She's not doing it to spite you, wind you up or be difficult.

Also, pick your battles. Depending on where you were going, could she not have just gone in pyjamas? It doesn't matter really does it?*

This. So much this. My daughter is the result of a long and difficult road to conceive. She is so unbelievably loved and wanted. Motherhood itself however has been a sharp smack with the reality stick. I am not blessed with patience. Or a long fuse. I've had to learn quickly to pick my battles. And it's helped. It really has.

You recognise that what happened went to far. You are taking steps to address it. That's good. Don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow is another day.