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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 05/02/2018 10:14

Have you pointed out to Anne that if he wanted to leave this ghastly harpy (Hmm) that the suitcase packing incident would have been the perfect opportunity? What did Anne say?

HectorlovesKiki · 05/02/2018 10:18

YABU. Are you perfect? If we shunned everyone who ever had an affair or didn't fall in line with our own moral code, noone would ever speak to anyone. Support your friend and stop being so judgmental.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 11:03

The notion that we have to support people, no matter how awful their behaviour, is ridiculous. We owe it to other people to behave kindly, to say it is not okay to just do whatever you want, no matter eho you hurt.
If I could go through life not speaking to people who behave like Anne and her bf, that would be more than okay with me.

VeganCow · 05/02/2018 11:14

If it were me, I would see if she brings him. Then on the evening I would quietly and simply tell him that I do not condone his behaviour and that I believe if he is cheating openly like this, what would make me feel he won't do it to my friend down the line.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/02/2018 11:34

'Honest to a fault'?! Grin

No, Anne's a turd.

I wouldn't worry about your birthday, OP - I don't think he'll be there. I don't think he'll leave his wife either. As for picking up the pieces - well, let's just say if it were me I'd be thinking a short sharp lesson might serve Anne very well in the long run.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 05/02/2018 13:50

HectorlovesKiki
Are you judging me for being judgemental?

FizzyGreenWater she WAS honest to a fault. This Anne is a different person all together

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 05/02/2018 14:00

Have you had an affair Hector?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 14:21

Has that trigger warning always been on this thread?

I do wish people would ease up on the bloody trigger warning. Reading about people's shitty behaviour, while unpleasant, is not trauma inducing!

Beetlejizz · 05/02/2018 15:29

The Tw was about miscarriages I think?

PancakeInMaBelly · 05/02/2018 17:44

There is no point in adding a trigger warning without specifying (e.g.mc trigger warning, suicidal thoughts trigger warning, abuse trigger warning etc)

Someone who is triggered by one thing isn't going to be triggered by EVERYTHING Ffs

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 05/02/2018 19:40

PancakeInMaBelly Apologies, as I said up thread it was off the back of a friend getting a bollocking for not putting trigger warning about make up on FB. I was feeling nervous that day.

OP posts:
laura65988 · 07/02/2018 13:41

Support her as ure best friend but tell her he isn't welcome at party as u don't agree with what he's doing to his wife and don't want apart of that it's a hard one but id be pretty disgusted in u're friends choices and u wouldn't be able to hold back and tell her this is family that is going to be ruined and newborn baby born to a guy who does this is this really how she imagined life would be it's not a proper relationship he's using her and she needs to wake and realise this she's half to blame for ruining this family as she's aware of them and is happy for him to leave once baby is born and to betray the wife like this as well she thinks there having a baby and in a loving family and they are carrying on like this and do u know what the reaction will be but we love each other go above them and tell the wife I would want to know if I was being made a full off like this ure friend is just as bad and selfish in this and I would keep my distance from her till she comes back after he breaks her heart or she's stuck in a relationship with 4 already made kids and she gets jelousy over him talking to ex or going over there to pick kids up don't even think she's thought about the 4 step kids she's about to have u are ryt to judge she told u about this

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 26/06/2018 20:55

UPDATE:

So baby has been born. Boyfriend is still with his wife. Didn't stop him taking Anne on a work trip abroad with him though. From what I understand, workmates are aware of the affair.
Anne has told a number of people too. I'm baffled as to how things haven't blown up.
Wife was very very ill during the later stages of pregnancy (hospitalised, dangerously ill) and Boyfriend was messaging Anne whilst at the hospital keeping her updated.

I've not spoken to Anne in months, as I just don't want to, she's noticed as has been asking mutual friends about it.

OP posts:
Notlivestock · 26/06/2018 20:57

I feel for you OP, you're in such a difficult position.

The danger of being upfront is that you will drive her away just when she most needs the support of a sensible, loyal friend. But I think you could tell her that you have concerns and that while you will always be there for her, you aren't comfortable hosting him or condoning his infidelity.

Snowysky20009 · 26/06/2018 21:00

It will blow up very soon, and I feel sorry for both of them. Anne I think is vulnerable and someone has rescued her for want of a better word. The wife, poor women, her whole world is going to come crashing down.
All because he either couldn't make his mind up or liked having a bit on the side. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/06/2018 23:06

Anne doesn't deserve the support of a sensible, loyal friend. Well done for distancing yourself.

AllCleverAndThat · 28/06/2018 06:03

Did he come to the party?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/06/2018 06:34

He won’t leave his wife
It will all end in tears
Anne will learn the hard way

Anne is committing no crime . He is

I would say to her you would prefer to not associate with him given his
Morals and listen for her reactions ?

whymewhyme · 28/06/2018 06:41

Anne sounds like a odeon

Biologifemini · 28/06/2018 06:47

Is Anne looking forward to her boyfriend being rather less rich when he leaves his wife and has to pay for x4 kids and spousal maintenance, while they live in some little (grotty) love nest.
And she gets abuse from his children.
Good luck Anne.

KERALA1 · 28/06/2018 06:57

Clearly Ann is not the sharpest tool in the box. What a dope.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 28/06/2018 07:01

finally a decent thread. Maybe you should meet him, and then then ask him yourself.

Life is long. We fall in love with rotters sometimes. I am sorry for your friend. Be there for her, she knows she's an idiot..... Maybe you will do something one day and she will be there for you....

Just goes to show. You marry someone, have 4 kids and you really don't know them at all. Good post OP.

Guavaf1sh · 28/06/2018 07:10

Mountain is right. We are human we sometimes do stupid things, as Anne did, and life can be like that. We only look at the evidence that confirms what we want to believe and ignore the rest.

Whyme - “Anne sounds like a odeon?” Do you mean the plot of this thread sounds like a cinema film?

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 28/06/2018 07:25

Men are always at their worst when the woman of the pair are pregnant........

Olddear · 28/06/2018 07:41

Gosh! This reads like a not-very-good book......