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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 29/01/2018 15:15

He won't show up. He'll say he's coming but then at the last minute 'er indoors' will make some 'heinous demand' on his time and he'll have to stay home. Or there'll be a scare over the baby or any other excuse that makes it look like he was fully prepared to go public with Anne but 'she' put the kibosh on it at the last minute, the unreasonable bitch,

I know this because I've been the demonised 'she' wife. The lies told about me to the OW and her absolute willingness to believe I really was that vile and encouragement of his bullshit were astounding.

The twat did leave me for her. Then did the same thing to her a few years later and broke her heart. What a crying shame that was Wink

Trinity66 · 29/01/2018 15:33

YANBU, clearly this guy is a total piece of scum and you're worried about your friend, if he will do that to his wife and kids, what could he do to her? A Part of me thinks she will deserve that for her part in hurting that poor woman and all those kids but I understand she's very young and foolish and maybe doesn't fully understand what kind of damage is caused by affairs like this

Graphista · 29/01/2018 16:16

Bollocks to "young and naive" she knows exactly what she's doing. My 16 year old knows better, hell she knew better than to mess with someone else's boyfriend when she was 12!! I hate seeing that particular excuse.

niccyb · 29/01/2018 18:07

I agree with blindmelons. He won’t be leaving his wife. He’s having your friend on. Invite him, he probably won’t come anyway.

Sweetpea55 · 29/01/2018 18:29

He wont leave his wife incase she has a miscarriage. When she's has the baby he won't be able to leave her the because she will need him to help her with her the kids. Next he'll stay until the kids are at school Then it will be until they leave school. Meanwhile your friend gets older and more disolusioned. She'll need you at the end

emmyrose2000 · 02/02/2018 06:33

I wouldn't be there to pick up the peices.
She knows he's married, and is making the choice to shag him.
I mean it would be an entierly different matter if she wasn't aware that he's married

Ditto. I'd have dumped Anne like a hot potato as soon as I'd found out she was willingly sleeping with a married man.

Anne's just as culpable as the scumbag husband. She's making a conscious choice to sleep with another woman's husband. When it goes tits up she'll deserve all the shit that comes her way.

He's utter scum for doing this to his wife and children. It sounds as though he and Anne are perfect for each other. How "inconvenient" for them both that he's already got a wife and children.

IAmNotAWitch · 02/02/2018 08:48

I'd judge them both and dump Anne.

Have some respect for women, she is making an informed choice. It is her choice to make, doesn't mean I have have to have anything to do with it.

The only unconditional relationships I have are with my children, they can't do anything that would make me not love them/be there.

All of my other friendships and relationships are conditional. I don't bother with people I can't trust. Anne is clearly not trustworthy.

Cheby · 02/02/2018 08:58

I would no longer be friends with this woman. The guy is worse than her but she’s still a fucking awful person with zero moral compass.

QueenDramaLlama · 02/02/2018 09:11

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner.
People don't make a conscious decision to judge, our judgement happens whether we want to or not.

RampantRegina · 02/02/2018 09:20

He sounds like a piece of work. And your friend doesn’t sound much better.

I wouldn’t have much sympathy for her. The fact that her family are friends with the wife and her shitty husband is just horrible.

I would be honest about how you feel and tell your friend that you won’t be inviting the new boyfriend to your party and why.

Someone needs to talk to her. She is living in a little romantic rose tinted bubble. She has no idea the devastation and hurt she and he are capable of causing to so many people.

Shockers · 02/02/2018 09:21

You don’t have to invite someone to your party if you don’t want them there.

Explain to Anne that although you love her, you aren’t prepared to be complicit in the destruction of a family unit, whether already damaged or not, and by hosting them as a couple, you would feel that you were.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/02/2018 19:20

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner

He's not her "partner", he's his wife's husband and children's father. Also a total POS.

MagicWillHappen · 02/02/2018 19:28

Anne is a cunt and so is the married man. Doubly so considering the wife is pregnant.

I'd be getting rid of Anne pronto then there'll be no need to meet him anyway.

Teeniemiff · 02/02/2018 20:04

So the mutual friends, do you mean someone who knows the married guy in a different social circle? He won’t be going if that’s the case anyway, but I wouldn’t be associating with him. I’d be inclined to have a word with her too. Does she really want to be the “other woman”. And whilst he is cheating on his wife with your friend, she is sure he’d never cheat on her? What’s he doing at the minute then! As she knows about the wife she may not see this as cheating - like it’s consented by your friend. I don’t for a second think he’s stopped showing affection for his wife, stopped being intimate. How would she feel knowing they are still intimate?
Ultimately he’s not a good guy & she will be hurt. He doesn’t leave & she’s hurt, or he leaves & she has a life of not trusting him, having 4 step children who dislike her etc!

ittakes2 · 02/02/2018 20:39

Yanbu

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 03/02/2018 18:25

Apparently wife got suspicious enough to pack the bloke a suitcase but he swore blind nothing was happening.
Two things about this are glaring at me; 1) Anne is now on the wife's radar, so it'll be obvious if he leaves and 2) If bloke was so desperate to leave...why didn't he take the packed suitcase and go?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedSuitcase · 03/02/2018 18:26

Teeniemiff Anne has said to me that she knows they are still intimate and has told him to be, as it would be suspicious if he weren't.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/02/2018 18:31

Wow, Anne sounds like a piece of work tbh. Charming. I couldn't be friends with someone like that, how calculating. Hmm

Eatalot · 03/02/2018 18:40

Been through similar and had to listen to the hes leaving her but not yet because lie lie bullshit. She is not nice treats him like lie lie bullshit......wake the fuck up ladies.

kungpopanda · 03/02/2018 18:48

The risk of miscarriage is a convenient red herring/excuse for the husband. Anne doesn't sound too bright, tbh.

Shockers · 03/02/2018 18:52

Anne isn’t a very nice person really, is she? You don’t have to be friends with the man she’s shagging, as you don’t know him... but do you actually still want to be friends with her? I’m not sure I would.

Sugarcoma · 03/02/2018 19:02

To all the people saying "it's not your business" - err, OP already knows that but most of has would have a hard time stomaching this and it's impacting the way she's feeling about her friend, unsurprisingly.

Tbh I've not been able to maintain friendships with women whose partners I've disliked. I would either distance myself from Annie or just tell her straight and if the friendship goes to shit so be it.

I don't think you're responsible for having to stick around to pick up the pieces. This could go on for years.

greendale17 · 03/02/2018 19:06

Sorry but I could not be friends with someone like this.

Nor could I play happy families with them

Tistheseason17 · 03/02/2018 20:08

I choose my friends carefully
If a friend of mine behaved like this she would not be my friend anymore.
Her BF's poor pregnant wife is a harpy because her shit of a husband is never there and she's trying to look after 3 children whilst worrying about another possible miscarriage.
Wow, Anne needs to take a long hard look at herself and what she's doing to enable this. And yes, he's a turd. But she's your friend.
I'd judge and I'd think - would she do this to me?

dustarr73 · 03/02/2018 20:21

You do realise @Redsuitcase,you have had a name change fail.