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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/02/2018 20:22

The thing with friends is, if we can't cope with what they're doing, we don't have to stay friends with them. It sounds like you don't like Anne much, OP. You could just wash your hands of her and leave her to cope with the mess that she herself has created.

SilverdaleGlen · 03/02/2018 20:29

I'd let her invite him, just so I could tell him what a despicable cunt he was to his face.

Then I'd boot her out because "vulnerable" is a pathetic excuse.

Then I'd find and call his wife.

But that's just me.

Moanaohnana · 03/02/2018 20:53

Part of me is thinking you should contact the wife too. I know that really you shouldn't get involved and it's none of your business, but I feel like that poor pregnant woman deserves to know.

whereisteddy · 03/02/2018 21:04

I'm another one saying that I would be dropping her, so meeting him wouldn't be a problem. I could not be friends with someone who knowingly was with a married/taken man. I get that she is emotionally vulnerable having lost her parents, but that is not an excuse for such appalling and selfish behaviour.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/02/2018 23:30

God, she's pure spite. Tell the wife about these despicable twunts.

Sashkin · 04/02/2018 01:12

Anne has said to me that she knows they are still intimate and has told him to be, as it would be suspicious if he weren't

Urgh what a conniving little bitch. I could not have listened to her say that and stayed in the room.

My dad died when I was 10. Losing parents does not turn you into a duplicitous cow who takes pleasure in destroying other people’s families - that’s just her own lovely personality showing through.

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 04/02/2018 01:42

I'd be inviting him.

With an invite to his house. For Mr & Mrs X. Addressed to his wife.

Let him squirm.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/02/2018 02:03

Orphaned as a teenager here. Managed not to fuck a friend's husband,. No excuse.

PancakeInMaBelly · 04/02/2018 02:46

It's highly unlikely he'll be 'able' to go to your party
I agree with this
He'll be seeing her at odd times that suit him, not at "prime time"

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 04/02/2018 03:50

@dustarr73 thank you! Will get that addressed Blush

OP posts:
ASimpleLampoon · 04/02/2018 04:03

I would struggle to be friends with someone who behaved like this to be honest.

I mean you're single now but could you trust her around any future partner, if she has form for having affairs with a friend's husband because she is oh so vulnerable and just can't help it.

If you don't want to judge your friend and support her all well and good, but you are free to choose who you do and do not socialise with. Your party - you decide who comes.

MistressDeeCee · 04/02/2018 05:02

I wouldn't get involved. For all you know, his wife could know about the situation. & he may not want to come to your social event anyway.

I've known friends that have been with married men before. They need an outlet so they develop mentionitis then every convo they have with you has to be about this bloody man. I don't allow it. But I do tell them why. I don't want to be privy to every single anecdote of their affair. It's boring. If it all goes wrong I am there as a friend. In the meantime - he may be your God but he ain't mine

You could just not have the convo about him with your friend. Be there for her when it goes wrong, and leave it at that.

buttfacedmiscreant · 04/02/2018 06:38

I'd use what Nocabbage said but change it around

"Anne, you're my friend, I love you and you deserve nice and decent, but man is not a nice person, nice men don't have affairs behind their pregnant wives back. I'll be here if it goes wrong."

Then I'd add that if he ever did leave his wife he would be financially supporting her and four kids and that Anne will now be a stepmum to four with an angry ex-wife permanently in the picture.

BishBoshBashBop · 04/02/2018 06:43

Anne, you're my friend, I love you and you deserve nice and decent, but man is not a nice person, nice men don't have affairs behind their pregnant wives back. I'll be here if it goes wrong

Nice women don't sleep with knowingly married men, when the DW is pregnant and they are supposedly their friend.

'Anne' isn't without blame in this situation.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 05/02/2018 07:35

The more I think of it the less well I feel about Anne.
I remember a couple of years ago she gave one of out friends an absolute flaming, a real pasteing, for kissing a married bloke whilst drunk at a party. Friend was MORTIFIED the next day and felt guilty for weeks and Anne was really angry with her, despite it being a blatant mistake.
The Anne I know as my friend is very black and white, honest to a fault.

OP posts:
UnsuspectedItem · 05/02/2018 07:35

*our

falang · 05/02/2018 07:55

Let us know what happens please OP

oldmum22 · 05/02/2018 07:58

My advice, was given to me a very long time ago .
Never ever let a man/woman come between a good friendship.

Replace the married status with druggie or abuser or gambler and your friend would still need you when it all hits the fan .

He wont be coming to your party, so don't worry about that, there will be some excuse . If she is as good a friend as you say ,you stand by
her , support her and try to help her with her self esteem. Don't express your views on his situation,no matter how much you want to .

Caroelle · 05/02/2018 08:39

I think it is likely that he will leave his wife, after all why should he stay somewhere with all that responsibility whilst he has your friend polishing his ego, telling him how wonderful he is and what a victim he has been of his horrible wife who has trapped him with all those children. Will he be as attractive an option when she is sharing him with devastated 4 children and he may not be too keen to adding to his brood? Or what about when the next young woman comes along and he does the dirty on her? I’d distance myself from her in your shoes.

UnsuspectedItem · 05/02/2018 08:44

I think it is likely that he will leave his wife
He was given the opportunity the other day though, his wife packed a suitcase for him and he talked her out of it. If he was desperate to leave, why not take the opportunity?

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 05/02/2018 09:48

He's not going to leave his wife. He doesn't have to worry about the DC's, his wife will be doing the house stuff,brtc, etc, and the OP's friend is just the convenient Shah. He's got it cushy, no eow access for him, or paying maintenance, he has no incentive to leave.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 05/02/2018 09:49

Crikey, my autocorrect is crap! Shah is shag, no idea where that came from!

Jamiefraserskilt · 05/02/2018 09:57

Let him come. Take lots of party pictures and post them on Facebook cos that's what people do isn't It?
His harpy cruel wife was good enough to shag 9 months ago but has suddenly become unbearable? Maybe being married to a bloke who cannot keep it in his pants whilst you are struggling with three kids and another due anytime, makes her a little bitter.
Your friend is in cloud cuckoo land. You do not have to approve. You can be cool and dismissive at the do and if asked can say that you will make him welcome when he does the adult thing. Until then, if you struggle with this whole thing, pull back a bit from her and prepare yourself for drama.

user1474652148 · 05/02/2018 09:58

Be true to yourself and your values.

This isn’t about judging anyone. This is about not wanting that scumbag in your house, and who can blame you?

If it were me I would simply tell her you love her to bits, but you are not ready to welcome her bf into your house whilst he is still with his wife, that you are worried she is going to be hurt and would rather not meet him. End of.

He is taking full advantage of a vulnerable young girl whom is your friend, no wonder you despise him, not to mention his poor wife.
No, you don’t have to play happy families. Better to be honest and keep seeing her without him

Withhindsight · 05/02/2018 10:02

Help Anne by inviting him, again and again - he won't show, even if he does keep asking about wife, kids, holidays, their education, will they need to move/ buy bigger car for the 4th child, any names yet, which ones take after him etc. Be a thorn in his side to ward him off/ dislike you, Anne may start to wonder why he doesn't like you, at least if they stay together she may stop going on at you about how you'll love him and she may just wake up.