To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

[RedSuitcase]

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky ).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

What a pair of cunts

@Olddear

If you suspect me of trolling then feel free to report.

YANBU. I would lose all respect for my friend if she did that. I wouldn't like the guy for what he did to his wife, but your friend is horrible to get with a married guy. I couldn't be friends with her if I was you.

I'm sure a percentage of posts on here are out and out lies and many more Are exaggerated however if people are calling op a troll based on her story alone then You must live in a bubble . People can , and very often do behave like Absolute arseholes !!

If I wrote the story on here of how my ex and I broke up you'd think it was straight out of a coronation street script !!!

It's all true, a few details obviously tweaked cause I'm not stupid but Anne exists and is doing exactly as I've said she is. Not really sure what people hope to achieve by troll hunting particularly by being smug about it.

Fucking hell OP, Anne sounds like an absolute arsehole.

I know this situation is not your problem as such, and you can walk away without ever saying another word to Anne, but I don't think I could, even if she did fly off the handle and shout abuse at me. You've got nothing to lose here - you're no longer really friends. Both she and he have everything to lose when this becomes even more public knowledge than it already is.

As PPs have said, ask her how she thinks things are going to go from here. When will he leave? How will he pay for the family he's left? Does she think anyone will be on 'their' side, once all the betrayal is out publicly? It might not be the romantic fairytale she wants to think about, but it doesn't seem as though anyone else has made her think about it.

But I do feel for you - you've been put in a horrible, difficult situation by someone who seemingly has no empathy and no thoughts for anyone outside her own skin.

People who think this can’t be true have obviously led sheltered lives.

Indeed summer.

Where I worked I would estimate about one third of the senior men were having or had had affairs. One motherly secretary took it upon herself to actually phone the senior partners wife to inform her of the fact he was shagging a temporary secretary. That went well.

When my DS was in primary one of th other kids in his class’s dad had an affair while the mum was pregnant. Not only that, but the OW got pregnant about six weeks later so the child had two siblings just six weeks apart. .

A friend of mine at school’s dad had an OW for the duration of his marriage. The OW would show up at the dad’s place of work (he ran a shop) to ask him for money,would ring the house to speak to him to the point if one of the DC answered she would tell them who she was and everything.

These things do happen all the time.

I never understand why people in these sort of affairs think they'll happily skip off into the sun together causing no harm whatsoever.
The truth is the wife will find out, there will be a lot of hurt, distress and everyone will know about Anne and the 'boyfriend' and yes they'll judge them. I know I would.

I know of someone who got into an affair (she was married yet so was he). Their affair apparently went on for over a year and when her husband found out it caused a huge, huge amount of hurt and distress. The children were absolutely distraught and it caused a lot of bad feeling within her family. The affair fell apart and all there was to show for it was devastation.

I don't think I could stay friends with someone who was doing something that Anne is going. I'm sorry but I just couldn't.

RedSuitcase, we don't love our friends for their virtues but when we start feeling contempt for them we need to reconsider the whole thing. I would 100% judge a friend who did what Anne is doing. There really is no excuse.

In your shoes I'd tell I'll be there for her when it goes tits up but in the meantime she can keep it zipped about her great love and his utterly reprehensible behaviour towards his poor wife. I wouldn't discuss it, and I wouldn't meet him.

When an affair is this ugly and this public both parties often suffer permanent damage to their reputations. Richly deserved in this case.

When will he leave? How will he pay for the family he's left? Does she think anyone will be on 'their' side, once all the betrayal is out publicly?

Last I spoke to her about it, he was going to leave once baby had been born (baby is several months, he's still there) and they would wait for a few months so that no one would suspect an affair, and then he'd move in with her. Therefore they'd "get away" with it.

If Anne lost her parents young I suspect she's a bit emotionally stunted and has been given the benefit of the doubt over poor behaviour in the past (I've been in that position, I don't think I took advantage of people's sympathy but there were definitely times I was aware that I could have). People's disgust and anger (including her remaining family, from what you've said - I'm guessing the wife is a cousin or something) will be a massive shock to her when it all comes out. Th she'll still only feel sorry for herself).

Last I spoke to her about it, he was going to leave once baby had been born (baby is several months, he's still there) and they would wait for a few months so that no one would suspect an affair, and then he'd move in with her. Therefore they'd "get away" with it. Oh yes, who'd suspect a thing? It's foolproof!

YANBU.
Maybe down the line, IF her fantasies will come true, you will have to get over it and maybe it is the real love and unfortunately they met too late.... But now? When he is with his wife? I wouldn't. It could be quite awkward with other friends around knowing the situation...

I’d just keep on avoiding her now. It’s not worth the hassle. I know you were close but people drift apart all the time, especially if they’re in different countries. Move on with your life and leave them to it.

Anne is a cunt, so is her "partner"

I may be biased, I was the pregnant wife, she knew about me, our dc, my pregnancy. my ex left, it was a really horrible time it nearly destroyed me, I had two dc to hold it together for, then a newborn. My dc suffered, eldest wet the bed for a long time, youngest became very withdrawn and sad that their daddy had gone, from my point of view, I would and have said to people like anne, step away dont continue the affair.

On the other side I had a friend who I was very close to, we were like sisters, then she started an affair with a married man, I was friends with his wife, it went on for months, we fell out over it when she started coming out with classic lines about the wife being awful, she is vile to him etc etc I suggested that was exactly what my ex would have been saying to ow. He left his wife for her, but was shagging other women including his ex wife behind her back, he recently ended things, she is devestated. serves her right