To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

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Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky ).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

He won't be coming to your party. I doubt they will be socialising openly at the moment as he won't want his wife to find out about it. He will be terrified of another guest having an un known connection with his family and spilling the beans. I think if you bide your time on this one there will be no difficult decisions to make.

It’s your birthday. You get to invite whoever you choose. Personally I’m surprised she even thinks that’s an option with him or you. You’ve had some good advice about how to be kind and tell her you love and care for her. But he’s not welcome unless and until he’s free. Not that I’d want a man, who’s just left his wife and 4 kids around. 🤢

I told her that I loved her and supported her, but would not be inviting said man to social events as her partner whilst he was still with his wife

YANBU - I detest affairs I would tell my friend that he is not welcome. it’s your party why should you be made to feel uncomfortable. I think @MrsCaecilius puts it perfectly

YANBU I wouldn't to socialise with him either though I strongly doubt he will do anything so public as attend a birthday party with your friend. I'd be questioning her values too, she knows he's married with kids and a pregnant wife and is still continuing the relationship. I'd counsel her to tell him to go away and come back when he's single. If he genuinely loves her that's what he'd do.

My guess is that she's his bit on the side while the wife is pregnant and he'll dump her once the baby is born. Up to you if you want to be there to pick the pieces.

I dont know why "Anne" has your sympathy.She had a choice unlikthe poor wifI think Anne sounds a pain in the arse. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Really sensitive and things escalate.So shes basically a toddler who has a tantrum when she doesnt get her own way.I couldnt be friends with someone with so little regard for a pregnant women.

He isn't free. He isn't in a position to get involved in a social circle as a 'partner'. I would say no way, bring him when you can be open about your relationship (and, btw, that will probably never happen).

Excellent way of putting it.

Whatever view you take on his actions and her actions, and on whether you think friends have a right to an opinion, his presence effectively means everyone has to tread on eggshells. It's not ok to ask you to do that.

YANBU.

This man isn't Annes boyfriend, he is another woman's husband!

It's important to distinguish this!

I'm judging. Both of these people have a low moral compass.

I would say “Look Anne I’m struggling with this. I know you think it’s the romance of the century but I cannot pretend to support this. You’re my friend and I live you and I’m trying not to let your behaviour change my opinion of you but I’m just not interested in getting to know this man because I think he’s a cunt ok?”

Yes I was wondering about the 'trigger warning', I think it's well over used now.

I don't blame you for judging, OP. I don't understand why some people think we're not supposed to have an opinion about what the people close to us do, especially, as is often the case, we've given advice and they've ignored it.

And of course in your case you'll be the one that has to pick up the pieces when he hurts her, which he will.

It's not about pretending to be perfect. But some people think we're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

oh dear your friend sounds very messed up

he wont leave they rarely do and theyve got mutual famjily friends? as if hes going to make his life that diffcult

do they socialise already ? or is it all hidden indoors or far away so peopple dont know
you have to talk about reality to her its never going to happen and if she rants at u let her be and say you'll be there for her when its all gone wrong

but for now u cant invite him to anything whislt hes with his wife

Well, if he did come to your party, would you be able to even be civil to him? I'd struggle to do anything more than say "how do you do" and then avoid him for the duration. And your friend might well strop about that, given she's the "sensitive" type, so what's the point?

Phew, not just me - was thinking WTF's the trigger warning for?! Do we have to be TRIGGERED over everything now?!

Because of the implications that a pregnant woman may miscarry due to her cheating husband.

Best to be overly cautious - my friend got torn apart the other day because she didn't post a trigger warning for mentioning make up... Because apparently some people are offended by it.

Thing is... there are 2 ways this goes for Anne...

1 - he leaves his wife, the whole thing WILL blow up, because of the kids, the baby and the fact that she's 'known' to the family - it will ruin the family she does have, nobody will come out winning in anything, it will be a complete disaster for everyone. everyone.

2 - he doesn't leave his wife... the truth WILL out eventually and the above scenario will STILL happen - but even worse because it will have been found out rather than managed.

There is never ever going to be a Happy Ending to this story. It's just about how many people it's going to take down with it when the shit goes down.

the ONLY scenario that will have any chance of a positive outcome is if Anne or this shit head call it off now, end it and move on.

EVEN THEN there is a risk this affair may come to light now and the shit storm will happen, but it will be slightly diminished by the fact that it started and was stopped.

Your friend needs to understand this fully and that it STILL will change the way people think about her - for the rest of her life - if she doesn't do something sensible now.

No response op to the many many posters who are suggesting Anne is a disgrace. Are you Anne?

I'm not Anne, no.
And I have said that I'm angry with her. At one point I avoided her for several weeks because I just didn't have it in me to be decent about it, and I knew she'd blow up if I said anything.

I'd make a big thing of inviting him. Then if (which he won't) he turned up i'd make an even bigger thing of introducing him as Annes fella, as if you don't know the backstory.

Wanker. And she is just as bad

Vulnerable my eye! What your friend is doing is utterly disgusting. I'd be having nothing to do with him, very little to do with her too unless she dumps his cheating arse!

In addition she's put you in a shitty position as it sounds like you may be acquainted with the wife at least enough to know who she is.

I'd invite neither of them and I'd tell her why.

Sometimes being a true friend is calling a friend on their bullshit!

She doesn't sound "sensitive" she sounds selfish and petulant.

The only vulnerable person in this scenario is the pregnant woman with three children and a history of miscarriage who is being betrayed by her husband and someone she considers a friend.

I've seen OWs say on here that they don't think about the wife, don't consider her a real person, but "Anne" KNOWS the wife and she KNOWS the children and she's happy to help break up their home. That is depraved behaviour and I could not remain friendly with her.

And don't be complicit in their cruelty. Empower the wife by telling her.

Agree with Schnitzel depraved is a good word for Anne's behaviour here.

Annoying the early posters saying we shouldn't "judge". Ha. Really?! Well people will judge on this and rightly so.

I hated being complicit in my friend's vile affair it made me feel grubby by association. Wouldn't want that on my birthday.

When I was younger I’d have let it go, “not my business” etc

As I’ve got older, I think this puts me in a weird situation as I’ve ended up “confidante” for people (so called friends) who are just destroying themselves and they don’t even respect me for it?

I don’t think you need to seek out every cheater and OW to punish them, but equally you’re not “emotional support staff”

It’s not your job to socially normalise a crazy situation. It’s your bloody birthday, you “feel uncomfortable”. You don’t need to go into the details.

Also, (easier said then done?) but try to ease out of being a listening post for your friends crazy shit.

Depraved is an excellent way of putting it.

I honestly would be seriously backing off from this friendship altogether.

If she is heavily pg she won’t miscarry because she finds out he’s a cheat. As soon as the baby is here, he’ll need to stay because of the feeding/c section. Then she’ll develop PND and he can’t leave while she has that. Etc.

Newyear - depends how pregnant she is and the reasons for previous miscarriages. Some conditions are exacerbated by stress. And could still lead to premature labour.

Makes the friends actions even more disgusting to be honest.

To be honest OP, the BEST you can hope for is that your 'friend' does blow up at you, so that when this shit goes down, she doesn't drag you with her..

She has ZERO right to blow up. people like her are owed nothing, not a sausage.

Yeah actually having thought more about this and the circumstances - your friend is a bitch.