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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 28/06/2018 07:52

*We are human we sometimes do stupid things, as Anne did

^Continuing to have an affair with a married man with 3 kids whose wife was pregnant at the time and now has a newborn is not a stupid thing is it? Anne is a disgusting, selfish woman

FatBarry · 28/06/2018 07:58

You did the right thing distancing yourself OP, this can't go on for much longer without the wife finding out.

Shumpalumpa · 28/06/2018 08:46

I've not spoken to Anne in months, as I just don't want to, she's noticed as has been asking mutual friends about it.

You're 'close' and 'great' friends but she's only noticing now that you've not spoken in months and is asking mutual friends about it?

OP, is this all a fantasy in your head? Do you wish you were Anne?

ichifanny · 28/06/2018 09:01

Anne is a complete cunt and I can’t believe she feels so entitled to a relationship with this man , I couldn’t be friends with someone like that . Maybe it’s because I have 3 kids and I’m pregnant with number 4 , I’ve never felt more vulnerable that would be like a nightmare finding something like this out . I hope you aren’t in the wear of Scotland Shock

BasicUsername · 28/06/2018 09:01

I'm judging the fuck out of the people on this thread stating that Anne shouldn't be judged for her actions. Anne and her "boyfriend" are vile.

Society as a whole ought to be much more judgemental regarding affairs. This "none of my business" attitude is appalling.

ichifanny · 28/06/2018 09:03

Just read update what an awful bunch of disgusting people .

longwayoff · 28/06/2018 09:27

Repellent people. Utterly contemptible behaviour. Next? Hmm. Anne pregnant by mistake ... why do so many people want to live in an Eastenders script?

Janus · 28/06/2018 10:48

I’d arrange a meeting g with Anne, at this point you don’t have too much to lose. Point out to her that this is a godawful mess and either way it will be a total mess -
He either leaves his wife and 4 children and she has all that to deal with for YEARS as she will have his 4 children around for the next 18 years at least, or
He doesn’t ever leave her, timing isn’t quite right, child a, b, c, or d needs him there at the moment, she stays for years and misses her chance or finding real love and having children.
If you two aren’t seeing much of eachother you don’t have too much of a friendship to lose. Even if you have a row it will at least make her stop and bloody think.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 28/06/2018 10:49

Shumpalumpa

I work abroad, so not that obvious. Not sure why the leap to an entire fantasy where I wish I was the mistress for a scumbag Confused

OP posts:
Winosaurus · 28/06/2018 11:14

Anne is cunt.

The only vulnerable woman is his poor wife.

SilverySurfer · 28/06/2018 13:41

You have every right to judge - totally despicable behaviour from Anne and the man.

Next time you speak I would ask her if she has had any luck dredging the gutters looking for her self respect.

Once, not if, this gets out in the open I hope she is ready for the backlash not only from his wife but also from family/friends who know the couple.

SilverySurfer · 28/06/2018 13:41

You have every right to judge - totally despicable behaviour from Anne and the man.

Next time you speak I would ask her if she has had any luck dredging the gutters looking for her self respect.

Once, not if, this gets out in the open I hope she is ready for the backlash not only from his wife but also from family/friends who know the couple.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/06/2018 11:35

I'm going back to work (not in the UK) next week so perhaps I should meet up with her and lay it all out.
She's terrifying when angry though and I know she'll shout at me.

OP posts:
Slowslowlavaflow · 29/06/2018 16:42

Wow! Anne sounds like a very naive young woman. Must be hard to be a bystander in this one. Is she perhaps a bit delusional as well?! I would also be avoiding her as you have been, especially if she gets unreasonably heated. Good luck with the meetup.

Firstnameterms · 29/06/2018 16:56

Utter utter bollocks that it isn’t the OPs business. It becomes her business when her friend wishes to combine her affair with her friends. No I would not have him at my bloody party and I would be telling my friend that what she does is her business but I will not be giving advice/listening to her talk about anything to do with him. They are both adults and both know the score here. Up to her if she believes him.

Firstnameterms · 29/06/2018 16:58

Also, she has absolutely no right to shout at you. If you are going to get a load of verbal abuse then I wouldn’t bother see her or confront her. A grown woman has no right to shout at someone enough that they scare them.

PigEyedHorseFrightener · 29/06/2018 17:01

He’s a bad person and so is she and I’d be telling her. If she cuts you off is it really a great loss?

LeighaJ · 29/06/2018 17:07

Your friend is an awful person, she is happily wrecking a family. It's all about her and her dream fuck the wife and the 4 kids, if it means your friend gets to live her dream. JFC.

The guy is ofc about 100 times worse and I think others have summed him up well already.

clumsyduck · 29/06/2018 17:13

Can't for the life of me fathom why she would even want him ? Yes people aren't perfect sometimes affairs can happen and in the end people end up with the right people etc I'm sure .

But this guy ! this guy is way beyond a selfish arsehole , imagine having feelings for someone who will happily cheat on his wife who is ill in hospital pregnant with his child . Fuck me do some people have no standards ?!

Slowslowlavaflow · 29/06/2018 17:16

**Also, she has absolutely no right to shout at you. If you are going to get a load of verbal abuse then I wouldn’t bother see her or confront her. A grown woman has no right to shout at someone enough that they scare them.

I completely agree about the verbal abuse. Unacceptable! Sounds like an entitled brat rather than an adult if this kind of behaviour is normal of her.

LeighaJ · 29/06/2018 17:18

RedSuitcase

"Anne has said to me that she knows they are still intimate and has told him to be, as it would be suspicious if he weren't."

That is so fucked up.

I missed that the first time around, it is absolutely disgusting. Anne isn't an innocent girl being used, not when she's telling him to go bang his wife so she doesnt think he's cheating...which he is.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/06/2018 17:19

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner

Perhaps if more people took a very open ‘wtf?!* approach to affairs, there would be less of it about? I get that people don’t belong to others, can make,their own decisions, are unhappy and blah, blah, blah but blatantly ignoring it isn’t the answer.

All marriages have difficult patches. The stats on failed second marriages are more telling than failed first marriages. Any research on ‘do you regret it’ shows a heavy bias in favour of ‘if I could go back and do it all again, I would work on my marriage instead’.

We should judge people who behave like this man who is openly preying on a clearly vulnerable woman. And that’s not even thinking about his wife. It’s not OK.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/06/2018 17:21

If the poor wife hadnt just had baby, I'd have found out who she was and told her everything including Anne's name.

SummerGems · 29/06/2018 17:31

Where are people coming up with the idea that Anne is a poor vulnerable woman being preyed on by this man? She’s an adult isn’t she? Not some young girl who has had her head turned by receiving a bit of attention? As an adult she knows full well what she is doing and is still choosing to do it. Yes, his responsibility lies with his wife and he is the one breaking his vows yada yada yada. But really, this idea that the married one is somehow some kind of predator and the woman who sleeps with him and sends him loving text messages while his pregnant wife is giving birth is some poor helpless victim who has been forced to be in his clutches and needs sympathy is ridiculous.

On the whole I am a believer that many affairs are not black and white and that while they are always wrong there are often factors which lead to people having affairs. However, anyone who knowingly becomes involved with someone who is pregnant and encourages them to want to leave their wife and newborn to be with them is the lowest of the low.

Sympathy my arse. I might not tell her what I thought on the basis I don’t actually think she’s worth it. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be there for her when it all goes pear-shaped other than to tell her it was no more than she deserves.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/06/2018 18:12

In my experience, the more in the wrong people are the angrier they get at the person who calls them on it. It suggests they do have a conscience but they don't dare listen to it, because admitting they've done something pretty awful would hurt. So it must be deflected at all costs. This is not a healthy reaction.