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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 29/01/2018 07:15

It's highly unlikely he'll be 'able' to go to your party, but on the off chance he can get away from the evil harpy he impregnated for the fourth time, I'd be very interested in having the opportunity to size him up. There would also be the opportunity to make him feel so uncomfortable so he'd never accept an invitation again. But then I'm a cow Smile.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/01/2018 07:18

Friend of mine waited over 20 years for a man to leave his wife. 'When the kids are a bit older,'. etc. etc. etc.
When she was in her 50s he died - he was still with his wife.

Gemlou1989 · 29/01/2018 07:19

Your friend is wrong to even go near him in the first place, she's also ruining the poor wife and DC's lives Hmm Finding it hard to find any sympathy for her if it all goes to shit as expected....

BalloonSlayer · 29/01/2018 07:20

Pardon my cynicism but you will probably do her a favour if you refuse to invite him to your party.

He is unlikely to want to waste good shagging time on socialising with his OW's friends like a proper boyfriend, so he will probably let her down and not turn up anyway. Domestic emergency or something . . .

Fairylea · 29/01/2018 07:22

I actually think you have every right to distance yourself from Anne - I couldn’t be friends with someone who knowingly kept seeing a married man. Not the kind of person I’d want to be friends with. Then you won’t have to see him at all...!

BIWI · 29/01/2018 07:24

I would just tell her, simply/factually, that you don't want to invite him because you don't approve of her affair.

By the way - why have you put 'trigger warning' in your title?

SoupDragon · 29/01/2018 07:28

Someone like Anne helped destroy my life in pretty much exactly the same circumstances.

She is a selfish bitch and deserves whatever misery this may bring. Personally I would have nothing to do with her.

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner.

Utter bollocks. Everyone judges people and decides whether they want to spend time with them. Where does your “don’t judge” stop? Presumably you would judge someone dating a serial rapist so I’m guessing you have a line somewhere.

Rudi44 · 29/01/2018 07:33

Based on the current situation you are NBU to not invite him. As for the not judging thing, that's utter bollocks. Everyone wants their friends to meet someone wonderful and this guy sounds like a douche. One way or another your friends heart will be broken. Even if he does leave his wife the chances are he will do something similar again. What kind of a man cheats on his wife when she is pregnant? Also, not great of your friend to get involved regardless of what she has been through

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/01/2018 07:34

I think you should judge tbh - people not showing social disapproval is one of the reasons men get away with really bad behaviour towards their partners and children. Cheating on his pg wife should be utterly socially unacceptable.
You don't have to compromise your morals to accommodate this and if she was my friend I would tell her that I couldn't support the relationship but would be there if it failed. She won't listen and will choose him but there is little you can do.
I don't normally feel sorry for the ow, but I do think she has been more vulnerable to his particular level of sleaze because she doesn't have her close family. But she is spectacularly lacking in any empathy for this man's family, which makes it hard to see her as a victim. I can only say that becauae she isn't in the wife's position she really has no idea of how much pain it will cause.

category12 · 29/01/2018 07:39

I was wondering about the trigger warning too.

GuntyMcGee · 29/01/2018 07:41

Difficult situation but in reality, he's highly unlikely to leave his wife. Baby will be born, then he'll make another excuse why he can't leave.

Eventually your friend will see the truth in this and this is when she'll need you the most.

It's difficult to do, but you should never trash talk a friend's partner - it's unlikely that people will listen to what the friend says and if they do, it could damage your friendship.

Personally I'd have to say that she needs to be careful not to get hurt by this man, then be there for her when she needs it.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 29/01/2018 07:46

Invite him, spend the night asking about his dc and his dw.

Jammycustard · 29/01/2018 07:47

I’d judge. He sounds like a creep.

KERALA1 · 29/01/2018 07:48

In my twenties my flatmate was shagging her boss. He used to bring his third child - baby to our flat. They joked this would have to stop when the child became verbal. Adorable people.

Flatmate hosted a party and wife invited. Still remember having to make conversation with her. A really normal nice mum. The whole thing made me sick. He never left his wife btw. Yanbu op.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 07:49

I’m as blunt IRL as I am on here, so she’d have had the hard word already. Both from the POV of her enabling him to cheat on his pregnant wife (she’s SO awful he’s made a FOURTH baby with her!?) and from the POV that SHE will get hurt by him (either not leaving his wife or if he does leave his wife, never feeling she can trust him).

Sometimes, you need to do the right thing by a friend and put them straight, sometimes the relationship takes a bit of a hammering, but if it’s worth having, it’ll recover. If it’s not, then nothing lost.

falang · 29/01/2018 07:50

YANBU. But I'd let her bring him to the party. I'd be very very frosty and dismissive with him though so he'd have no doubt about my opinion of him. Sounds like an absolute arsehole. And I know your friend is single but she sounds horrible as well.

becotide · 29/01/2018 07:52

Well, he's probably not going to come even if he was invited, he's not going to let his affair go public, is he? He has no intention of leaving his wife and a public affair wouldn't go down well with everyone in his real life.

However, you would not be unreasonable to not invite him. I'd be tempted to tell "Anne" that you'd feel it rude to invite him and not his wife.

I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him without asking him how all his children are, and how his wife is coping with her heavy pregnancy, three kids and an emotionally checked out husband.

CoffeeOrSleep · 29/01/2018 07:53

I'd be less worried that he won't leave his wife than that he will.

Many don't, but many, many men do. In my experience, woman who's DH's "gave up everything to be with you" feel obligated to stay with them even when it's clear that it's not working out. It'll give him the ultimate argument winning card. She doesn't seem really to understand just how little of his money he'll have, nor the fall out with his dcs, that she'll be blamed for.

I'd slightly bust bubbles. Eg when she says about the house they will buy "won't he have to still pay the mortgage on the family home until the youngest is 18? Will you be able to afford it just on your wage?"

If he does turn up to social events, that suggests he does plan to leave his wife, he won't risk it otherwise. I'd not bother being polite.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 29/01/2018 07:54

He won’t leave his wife BUT if he does is this the sort of person your friend wants to end up with? One that will just up and leave his wife and 4 kids

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2018 07:57

Id struggle. I think my making pleasant conversation would consist of ‘ so X, when is the baby due?’ Etc. Which wouldn’t further my friendship with anne i know...

emmyrose2000 · 29/01/2018 07:57

I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them, let alone invite her/them to my birthday party.

WellThisIsShit · 29/01/2018 07:59

Oh dear, I’d say it kindly but I’d have to say it. No, he won’t be invited to any party until he’s left his wife and the relationship with your friend is all present and above board. When he’s free to be there, you’ll welcome him. Well, ‘welcome’ might be a stretch but you might want to sound accommodating for a far off future that may never come...

differentnameforthis · 29/01/2018 07:59

blindmelons has it spot on. Your friend has fallen hook, line and sinker.

zzzzz · 29/01/2018 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSoapyFrog · 29/01/2018 08:00

I honestly don't believe he will leave his wife. It's cheating bastard text book to say that his wife is mean to him and he's waiting for the right time to leave. It will always be something or other that means he can't leave now.
It's unlikely he will be turning up to any events either.
Your friend is going to be badly hurt when this all comes to a head. You can confront her but she's under his spell and will probably distance herself from you.
Maybe bide your time until it's over, pick up the pieces and let her learn the hard way.