To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

[RedSuitcase]

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky ).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

He won't be coming to your party unless it's a masked ball in a dark room in a different country. No way will he risk being caught.

Have him over, take lots of photos and post on social media.

I wouldn't host such a man either.

Get your friend to watch doctor foster. See if she still thinks her situation is Disney love after that.

My Judgy pants are pulled so far up they are over my head....

I have every sympathy for unknowing other women; Friend was one and it broke her, not only that she was was cheated on but also that she hurt others, but the worst was others knew and didn't tell her or the wife.

But knowingly going in to a relationship with a married person...is despicable. In a relationship with a man who's wife is heavily pregnant, lower than low.

And yes it is your business, when they decided to cheat they opened their behavior up to public scrutiny.

If your friend is actually 'vulnerable' be there for her but make it clear you are not happy with her actions and do not enable them.

I wouldn't be able to have him there, or her for that matter. Yeah I know that's projecting but actually, I couldn't agree more with SockAmnesty's post:

I would expect all my decent friends to drop me like a ton of bricks. Because I’m not a special snowflake who buys into the “OMG please don’t judge me ever no matter what I do because my own desires are far more important than anything else” shitty culture we have going on now.

I'd tell her why she would be uninvited and why he wouldn't darken my door, EVER. I'd also say that if she did the decent thing and ended it now, the relationship between us may be salvageable, but if she waits until it all hits the fan she will be the loser in it all, and her family would be humiliated, and they have already suffered enough.

This isn't a series of Doctor Foster, this is real life, with real kids and real people.

Stay out of it - it sounds like your friend is the doormat to be used whilst wife who has had miscarriages is pregnant, only for it all to end when baby arrives. Your friend has had a rough time of it but should know better than to get involved with a married man. Be there for her when the fall out happens

occasionally it does "work" only she doesn't allow him anywhere and he doesn't have his own phone because she doesn't trust him

Which is largely the situation my ex-h has found himself in having left me and our toddler for OW. I'll judge. I know what it's like. There is no excuse, he's not available and she is walking into a situation that she has no inkling of how horrific the fallout is going to be. I can't emphasise that enough. I've lived it. It's caused the most horrendous damage.

I'd be telling her straight, in no uncertain terms and distancing yourself from him and her entirely.

Even if he did leave his wife, her idea of this happening probably won't, he's already got 4 kids to support, there's a high chance that he won't want anymore

I dunno, he sounds like the kind of scumbag who would avoid paying child support and just skip off to family no 2 without a backwards glance.

It sounds as though your friend is having a hard time and has made some bad choices. Realistically, he won't leave his wife ... and this won't work out even if he does. A woman in her twenties should want a boyfriend who is able to spend Christmas / Valentine's Day / her birthday with her. Someone who would be enthusiastic about going away on mini breaks and holidays to fun places. This isn't that guy - even if he leaves his wife, he'll have a fuck load of child maintenance to pay and will have the children every other weekend.

I'd be amazed if he comes to your party. If he does, get someone to whip out a massive camera and shriek "Heyyyy everyone! Get together! This is all going on Facebook / Instagram / Whatever!!!" Then watch him scuttle away.

By the way - why have you put 'trigger warning' in your title?

Phew, not just me - was thinking WTF's the trigger warning for?! Do we have to be TRIGGERED over everything now?!

As if this bloke is going to have the balls to rock up to a party and risk having himself end up on social media

And if he he does actually show how awkward all round really . "How did you two meet" etc etc

Cringe .

Your ‘vulnerable younger woman’ friend is actually an idiot asshole. And yes he is a scumbag user but they’re both cunts tbh.

Maybe she should stop planning her house and imminent ( though unlikely) cuckooing

Honestly I would be saying something like;

Anne, I love you and I’m worried about you. I’m worried this won’t work out for you. If the shit hits the fan, I will be here 100% to help you, support you, whatever you need. But for your own sake as much as anything else, I can’t support this right now and I can’t have him around so please don’t ask for him to be there when we spend time together, as I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Judge away and be wary of this friend. I ignored the fact my ‘BFF’ had affairs with married men after all it wasn’t my business, I didn’t like it but I didn’t comment. Then she had an affair with mine and my counsellor pointed out that I knew what type of person she was and I was foolish to think she wouldn’t do it to me too.

Tough one. You don't have to like him. Just try to stay out of it (do tell her your exact opinion though)

It's quite a bad situation per se. If he doesn't leave his wife he took advantage of your friend. If he does then you quite wonder "will do that to me too after 4 children and something better comes along?"

I obviously judge him not because he doesn't love his wife anymore but because he conceived 4!!!!! Children and one of them is not even born.

I understand the anger, but I'd probably hold off on tossing her to the curb, no matter how much I disagree with her life choices. From the way the OP describes her she sounds as if she may have some mental health issues. Lord knows I did extremely dumb things when my depression was at its worse and sadly all of my "friends" dumped me and it didn't make my life choices any better.

I actually think this is two separate issues. The first is your birthday party. If having this guy there won't make you happy, then don't invite him. Tell your friend that it will make you uncomfortable have him there so you aren't going to invite him.

The second is their relationship in general. If she is a drama queen, making a big deal about it may make her decide that they have a special, misunderstood love (ugh). If asked, say that you think it is creepy and weird in a really matter of fact way. Then change the subject. There's no law that you have to be incredibly interested in their sordid hook up. Depriving the situation of oxygen may be healthier for you.

You can be supportive of your friend without supporting her decision to have an affair with a married man who has children. I'd tell her she was my friend, I love her, I want the best for her, I think she's doing a terrible thing, I won't meet the man she's having an affair with and I won't listen to her talking about it.

I'd judge. She says that his wife is very nice, but she still doesnt mind shagging her husband. Either she's got bottom of the barrel standards or she's just an arsehole.

Stand back, because the fallout is gonna be huge.

I wouldn't meet him, and I would seriously question my friendship with Anne also as she obviously has the morals of an alley cat.

I wouldn’t judge her, but he wouldn’t be coming to my party.

If she wants to be involved in doing the dirty on another woman that’s up to her. I wouldn’t have him in my house though. I’d feel complicit.

I feel for you OP. One of my closest and oldest friends got herself into a similar situation. I told her the truth of what I thought of it all and said in no uncertain terms I’d not be involved in any way nor wanted to hear about it but told her I loved her and left the door open for when it inevitably ended up in a mess. It nearly destroyed our friendship, it was a horrible time. We worked through it in the end though.

There will be an end to it because he won’t be leaving his wife. Your friend will get hurt, I guess you just need to decide if you’ll be there for her when that happens.

Those saying you’re overinvested are wrong. Sometimes your friends are of the same importance if not more important than your own family.

RedSuitcase I think what he's doing and what your friend is doing is fucking disgusting!

I have a friend who's husband did this when she was pregnant with her 4th DC,a child that wasn't planned(they did use contraception)were married and very happy,the cheating bastard pushed for my poor friend to keep the baby and then fucked of with someone younger than both of them whilst she was still pregnant,this went on for a good few months and then he said he'd made a mistake left the other woman,told all of the DC sorry and that he was back my friend got pregnant again(I think this has put her of sex for good now with anyone bless her)and the bastard was still with the young women he'd left for in the first place,he was stringing them both along so my friend has got rid of him and now he's with someone else and still sniffing around my friend.

Honestly I'd quite happily chop the bastards nuts of with a rusty spoon.

Please try and have an honest conversation with your friend and tell her what heart break this leads to,please ask her to think of his poor children,my friends children have spent many an evening crying themselves to sleep in my friends arms it really is soul destroying to see any women go through this let alone one that's heavily pregnant.

Tell her that you were checking him out on FB and much to your surprise you have a mutual friend with his wife. What a small world eh? And the friend will be coming to the party.

He'll never set foot in the place.

Problem solved.