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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 29/01/2018 08:37

I think you sound massively overinvested in this and should look at why that might be.

Obviously it's not nice at all but does it warrant this much angst from you?

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:38

That's going to be a clusterfuck when it breaks isn't it!

Yup, another complication to the situation if he actually leaves his wife. A few people suspect, so when he moves in with Anne... let's just say I won't be the only person judging. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:41

I think you sound massively overinvested in this and should look at why that might be.

Well she's one of my closest friends and the way she's reacted to normal break ups in the past leads me to think that this will destroy her. So obviously there's that.

Also, I'm single - so there's probably a very evil little part of me that's jealous she's in love. Though, that makes me feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 29/01/2018 08:42

As penggggwn said on the first page. He isn't available as a social partner so no need to invite him. Otherwise you are agreeing with it.
I don't have anyone in my social circle who is morally or legally dubious.

diddl · 29/01/2018 08:43

I wouldn't invite him & probably not her either.

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/01/2018 08:44

Tell her she is welcome to bring him. He won't come. He will be too worried that there will be someone there who knows him, and that his dirty little secret will be out.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/01/2018 08:48

Don't even worry, he won't come to the party with her.

DillyDilly · 29/01/2018 08:48

I’d let your friend know he’s welcome to come along, if she asks. I’d say he won’t come though. Have they been out on dates or is it all inside at her home ?

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 29/01/2018 08:48

YANBU - I have to say I'd not only judge, Id be sorely tempted to find out who is wife was and let her know the sort of scumbag she's married to

WitchesHatRim · 29/01/2018 08:48

You talk about him.

I personally couldn't be close friends with someone who is having an affair either.

eddielizzard · 29/01/2018 08:49

yes i think you can ask her how she will feel if he doesn't leave his wife. encourage her to think through the ramifications. without judgement if you can!

since you care so much about her, i'd go down the talking route, and wait in the background for it to play out. as for hosting him, i'd let her invite him. i'd be surprised if he came though. that would ruin his cosy little set up.

StellaHeyStella · 29/01/2018 08:52

I wouldn't invite him as I wouldn't want my birthday party to be used as some grubby meet up. Also it would signal socially that I'm ok with their relationship, and I'm absolutely not.

CrazyExIngenue · 29/01/2018 08:53

A few people suspect, so when he moves in with Anne... let's just say I won't be the only person judging

Except the chances of that happening are 1 in a million. More like he's going to dump her after the babies born and she's going to have to pretend like nothing happened while still seeing him fairly frequently.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/01/2018 08:54

I don’t think it’s unacceptable to surround yourself with friends you trust like admire and share things in common with, people sometimes change and become not those things so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to drop them as friends.

Personally I would, she’s a grown up whose stupid enough to fall for his lies and nonsense but she does so because she wants to, I would drop her and so what about the fall out when it all goes tits up, that’s part and parcel of doing shitty things, sometimes when you do people don’t carry on trusting or admiring or liking you.

chaucerstails · 29/01/2018 08:55

He wouldn't be invited to my my birthday party. And to tell you the truth, neither would she.

No matter how delusional she is, how unfortunate her circumstances or how persuasive prince charming is, I'd like my friends to have a certain level of integrity.

Screwing a pregnant family friend's husband would make me judge hard. I wouldn't even hang around to help pick up the pieces either.

Lime19 · 29/01/2018 09:00

What is wrong with people on this thread. I started a thread other day where I was also told to mind my own business etc. Overinvested? It's her friend for goodness sake of course she would be concerned! Who are these people that keep saying "keep your beak out" and trying to analyse the op and turn everything back on her.

I would judge too. I would keep my distance and if need be tell Anna how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

I don't get how you can really love someone that is about to leave their wife in so much shit (that's even if he goes through with it)

arethereanyleftatall · 29/01/2018 09:05

Never mind the man, I wouldn't want to be friends with Anne any more. 'Vulnerable' my arse. 'Perfectly happy to ruin a family for self-interest' more like. I have zero respect for women who do this.

pasturesgreen · 29/01/2018 09:09

Jesus Christ, that's messy!

OP, fwiw I don't think you're overinvested. Anne is your friend, it's normal to take an interest in what's going on in her life, and I find it hard to believe the PPs who are saying they wouldn't judge are telling the truth.

No chance in hell he's coming to your birthday party, though, so that's bullet dodged for the time being.

RedForFilth · 29/01/2018 09:10

So she actually is friendly with his wife then? Well that shows you what she may be capable of doing to you. So I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them. He sounds like a disgusting person. And I'd bet my last pound the only way he'll move in with your friend is if his wife kicks him out, which I hope she does.
She probably knows on some level, I wish her and her children all the happiness in the world. And I hope if they do split she takes him for all she can get!

Scentofwater · 29/01/2018 09:14

If I was in your situation I’d invite him then find an opportunity to have a word with him alone to tell him how much of a shit I thought he was and that he needs to stop stringing her along. I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do but I would not be able to resist.

Billben · 29/01/2018 09:15

The poor wife. I have no sympathy whatsoever for your friend and hope reality hits her very soon.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/01/2018 09:17

Oh and for what it’s worth if I started shagging some other women’s Husband or priming the way for him to leave her and making it obvious I would welcome him with open arms in the wake of such deverstation to a woman and some innocent children,

I would expect all my decent friends to drop me like a ton of bricks. Because I’m not a special snowflake who buys into the “OMG please don’t judge me ever no matter what I do because my own desires are far more important than anything else” shitty culture we have going on now.

If I act like a nasty bastard I expect to be treated like one

CoffeeOrSleep · 29/01/2018 09:17

Actually thinking about it - if both her parents have died, does that mean she has her own home, either already bought from inheritance or that she can cover the rent and bills alone?

I wouldn't be worried he won't leave, more that he will - that what he's done is find someone to provide an easy exit for him from an unhappy marriage.

He can move in with her, no having to use family money to sort a flat, he can throw a bit of money towards her so it's not costing her anymore to have him there - meaning he gets to be all noble about making sure the kids "don't go without". If she expects him to go halves on bills, he'll be taking money from his kids... makes it nice and easy transition. No having to share a house for a year while the divorce and asset split goes through.

That doesn't mean for one minute he'll plan to be with Anne long term, particularly if she's going to want to settle down and get pregnant asap (reproducing what he's just run away from). She might take all the shit to enable him to move on easily.

I might be sowing seeds about making sure he doesn't go from the family home to her home, making sure they can officially date for a while, give it time so his divorce is through before they are official to make life easier.... if he is looking for an easy exit he'll move on to the next financially stable young woman.

Deshasafraisy · 29/01/2018 09:19

He sounds awful. What a horrible situation for you.
Even if he does leave his wife, he is adulterous and may treat your friend the same as he is treating his wife in the future and as she is already fragile this is bad news.

Wallywobbles · 29/01/2018 09:23

I'd be asking the hard questions.

Has he had many other affairs?

Will the kids be living with her 50/50?

Will the wife be getting the house and mortgage paid?

How much is he planning to pay in maintenance?

How will her family react? Will it cause a rift?

I'd not expect answers so much as want to point out that she needs to think this through a bit more. I'd also point her to some serious heartbreak threads here. I've learnt so much here. Might prepare her a bit.