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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

269 replies

RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 06:40

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky Angry).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

OP posts:
redfairy · 29/01/2018 08:03

I would explain Ann how conflicted you feel and say that you would leave it up to her if she felt it was right to bring him to party given your feelings. Make it clear thar you absolutely want to support her but will have no part in welcoming him whilst he is in adulterous relationship. I would put the onus on Ann to respect your feelings not the other way round.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:03

By the way - why have you put 'trigger warning' in your title?

Because of the reference to miscarriages. I had a worry that it would be sensitive to someone going through something difficult at the moment.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2018 08:08

I dont know where I stand on Wether or not you should host him. However I can fully understand you not wanting to. Anne thinks shes met Mr Right does she. I think she needs to fly down from cloud cuckoo land and back to planet reality. If he's cheated on his wife and the mother of his children. He'll have no qualms about cheating on her,and When it does happen if I was his wife I'd be lapping it like a pig in mud.
God help that poor poor women,though.
She's about to have a baby and now this.

RB68 · 29/01/2018 08:08

Not the adultery Police - well maybe if more people were there would be less of it and it would be less socially acceptable to fuck off and leave mostly women to bear the brunt of bringing up kids single handedly whilst been thrown the odd crust for maintenance. Sorry but I think you have every right to exclude him from your do social events if you find his behaviour unacceptable.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 29/01/2018 08:09

Absolutely not a chance he would be stepping over my door step. Fuck that. She would also be getting a warning that I won't be accepting that kind of shit too. I've been those children and it's awful. We are also supporting a friend who is a few weeks in to a similar situation and it's just awful to be on the receiving end. No way could I turn the other way. She should be disgusted at herself.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 29/01/2018 08:11

I too am struggling to see her as a victim to be honest. All this "be there to pick up the pieces" is fine and handy but a really decent friend would say something too

"Anne honestly I am struggling to support this, the man is not a nice person, nice men don't have affairs behind their pregnant wives back. Your my friend, I love you and you deserve nice and decent, he is neither of those things. Look you are an adult, if you want to fool yourself do, I'll be here if it goes wrong. Just remember that when the baby is here there will be something else, never a right time, the baby doesn't sleep, the wife is depressed, always a reason, meanwhile you wait with your life on hold. Also remember when a married man leaves his wife for the mistress he creates a vacancy"

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:15

She's just so blind to it. Banging on about how in love she is etc etc and how she's never felt like this before, how much I'm going to love him etc.
She says she's not stupid and that she knows "what it sounds like" but her gut is telling her its right...
But if he leaves, he will never be fully "hers", her big dream is a Disney Love Fantasy thing. With 4 kids and an ex wife, both his time and his finances will be mostly gone (if he's in anyway decent!) and the honeymoon period will die.
She has told me that she is positive he'd never cheat on her, but its the honeymoon period. I'm sure when she's heavily pregnant, exhausted and feeling ugly and he's home late from work, she won't be thinking so positively.

I just can't see it ending well in anyway. She is so breakable, that either way will ruin her.

OP posts:
Elocutioner · 29/01/2018 08:16

You can judge all you like - it's called having a moral compass.

I agree he's not going to leave his wife, and you may still want to be there to support your friend. However this could play out for years yet and it will take its toll on your friendship.

If you don't want him at your birthday, you can certainly say so. I've got friend who have cheated and no, I have not continued to be friends with them. She is just as culpable as him in this situation.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:16

Also remember when a married man leaves his wife for the mistress he creates a vacancy

THIS SENTENCE. Yes.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2018 08:16

Im jumping way ahead here, but.
Obviously I nor anyone else knows if this poor unsuspecting wife is working or not.
However let's just say she's not and because this brute has left her, she through no fault of her own has to claim. The Government will hound her into work when her child is 3, and yet he'll probably get a walk over and won't pay a penny in Child support. The system stinks.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2018 08:19

I wouldn't be there to pick up the peices.
She knows he's married, snd is making the choice to shag him.
I mean it would be an entierly different matter if she wasn't aware that he's married.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:20

I've deliberately kept my distance so I don't know much about his wife (other than being told she's very nice) but I know that he and his wife are very close family friends with Anne and her family Sad

OP posts:
GloGirl · 29/01/2018 08:22

I'd tell her she's welcome to have a relationship with whoever she likes but I'm not going to be complicit in deceiving a pregnant wife. When he is free to be open about his relationship with you he's very welcome to visit.

Peachplum60 · 29/01/2018 08:23

I doubt he would show his face at a party with her

HighwayDragon1 · 29/01/2018 08:25

My uncle did this to my auntie. Only he did leave her eventually and is now married with 2 more children with the OW so occasionally it does "work" only she doesn't allow him anywhere and he doesn't have his own phone because she doesn't trust him...

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 29/01/2018 08:27

occasionally it does "work" only she doesn't allow him anywhere and he doesn't have his own phone because she doesn't trust him...

Sad not my definition of a relationship "working" either

My friend is beautiful, funny, intelligent and young... her options are vast. I feel very sad for her. Yes, very angry too because she is doing a terrible thing, but very sad.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 29/01/2018 08:27

I had a similar situation with a friend. I hosted her "partner" when she wanted me to, but made it clear to her that I thought the relationship was a bad idea, and that it was likely to end in tears for everyone concerned.

I'm convinced that women like your friend often do this because they are in some way not "ready" for a full relationship - their self-worth is such that they end up choosing a partner who just isn't fully there for them because at some level they don't think they deserve a full relationship - or they are trying in some subconscious way to guard against hurt. (Not all women who have affairs are similarly motivated, but this is definitely a "type"). Trouble is, it's a disastrous move which is only likely to deepen those initial problems because everything about the relationship is dysfunctional from the start.

He is highly unlikely to leave his wife. You know this. the only time he would is if she found out and had the strength of mind to boot him out for good. Your friend is going to need a ton of support when the truth hits her.

So my advice is to counsel against the affair and warn your friend that there is a world of hurt awaiting her, but to support her emotionally in whatever way you can in the meantime. I'm sorry, it sucks to have to dance this dance.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2018 08:29

He wouldn't be invited to my birthday party.

troodiedoo · 29/01/2018 08:29

I'd be telling Anne I don't want to hear about her grubby boyfriend, unless it's that they've split up.

There is a chance his wife will kick him out if she finds out and she'll be lumbered with him. If they are in a proper relationship then , then I would reluctantly recognise it. Until then, no airtime from me.

Papalazarou30 · 29/01/2018 08:30

I'd invite him because let's face it as PP have said it's highly unlikely he'll actually turn up. Also agree he's never going to leave the wife after the baby is born there will always be some excuse

lunar1 · 29/01/2018 08:33

I'll be honest, I'd be struggling to still associate with Anne. She's not an innocent victim in all this.

BoredOnMatLeave · 29/01/2018 08:33

Oh god, your last update. That makes it even worse. Sorry, I know your friend has had a bad time but she is a fucking awful person. Yes I am absolutely judging.

I'm sure when she's heavily pregnant

Even if he did leave his wife, her idea of this happening probably won't, he's already got 4 kids to support, there's a high chance that he won't want anymore.

BoredOnMatLeave · 29/01/2018 08:34

cross-post I mean your update about them being close family friends

Mulberry72 · 29/01/2018 08:36

I’d judge, massively I’m afraid.

My DF had an affair with a younger woman when I was in my early teens (with several younger siblings) and left DM and us for her.

He came back with his tail between himself a few weeks later, and he and DM worked things out but I’ve never really been able to fully forgive him as I supported DM and kept things together for my siblings.

Your friend is a twat for continuing this charade knowing that he’s married with DC and another one arriving imminently, her “boyfriend” is also a twat for cheating on his DW and DC. They’re as bad as each other and deserve all the shit they get!

CrazyExIngenue · 29/01/2018 08:36

I've deliberately kept my distance so I don't know much about his wife (other than being told she's very nice) but I know that he and his wife are very close family friends with Anne and her family sad

Jesus. That's going to be a clusterfuck when it breaks isn't it!