To ask what you've done in the past as a parent and now cringe about

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

We've just celebrated our son's first birthday, he's our 2nd baby. We had a lovely chocolate cake made for him and of course plated him up a little slice. DH reminded me of our PFB DD's first birthday. We did the same - had a chocolate cake made for her 'party' (parents and siblings came round) which we dished out to everyone, except DD. Then we produced a sugar free disgusting muffin for the birthday girl herself as we didn't want her having any chocolate until she was much older what a pair of wankers. She's 4 now and today she had 3 Freddo's.

We also took her to the doctors when she was eight months old - because she shivered. It was January in northern England, and we'd just returned from living abroad, in the desert. Idiots

After hours of online research about SIDS, I ordered a special plastic mattress cover from New Zealand developed by a crazy scientist with a theory about toxic gases emanating from foam mattresses that have a specific type of mould in them, as well as fire retardants it in. DH promptly made a hole when putting it on. After a near mental breakdown, I forked our £25 for another.

I'll probably use it next time too, although it rustles like a right bastard.

I had a room thermometer . I used obsessively check the temperature and would not put DS to bed until the temperature was exactly the correct prescribed one. This included turning up the heating or, as it was July when he was born, putting on fans and opening the window. Maddness

Never let my two watch any daytime TV or violent films and they never had home access to a computer until they were in their GCSE years. They saw 'Jurassic Park' at one childminders and 'Terminator' at another and now one is never off her smartphone and the other stays up all night playing computer wargames. Hilarious, at 28 and 26 they are normal (except for the vampire hours kept by the DS), hold down jobs and are perfectly charming.

Used to get dh to pack black cardboard and blu tack for whenever we went to stay with relatives as was convinced ds being a crap sleeper was down to the tiny chinks of light coming through the curtains. The bedroom would be pitch black even in the day. Also rain music. Lots of rain music. ds is 11 now and still a crap sleeper.

Oh God and when ds was newborn used to change his nappy every two hours... including through the night. No wonder he was a bad sleeper, used to wake him up for utterly unnecessary nappy changes. It took me about 2 months to realise that regular nappy changes does not mean waking your baby in the night to replace his dry nappy with another one.
Absolutely batshit.

Used a website to track my PFB’s poo (noting consistency), pee, breast feeds (noting time & which boob), colic, sleep, etc etc. Produced graphs and charts. Sent the link & password to friends and relatives 😳

GREENSLEEVES.....

I just wet myself laughing!!!!!

I think my DH was more PFB as myself, I have to say (she's the only child and he still dotes on her almost to a fault, even though he has enough common sense to not overdo it).
Fortunately we never had the sugar-free, veggies and fruits only period. I had a friend whose DS wasn't supposed to get chocolate till he was 4, watch TV or anything else that's harmful for a young child's development. I think the period is over now, fortunately and the second child will definitely see chocolate before it's 1.5.
I had those dreams those, of DD only eating veggies and fruits and snacking on hummus. Didn't really work out that way but fortunately she still likes normal food like bread, butter, eggs, ham, tomatoes and cucumber so we are good for normal stuff.

Heard my DS1 aged about 2 singing bananas in pyjamas and thought he’d made it up himself.

Still deluded when he was in Y2 and I expressed amazement at the brilliant poem he’d written, only to be told by the teacher that that particular piece of text was handwriting practice....

The nice thing about being a slightly older parent is that we were under no (well, few) illusions that our PFB was P. She slept OK from 3 months, once tanked up, and neither of us were terribly bovvered (well, not openly) to listen to her crying. Guinness worked during breast feeding, although there were wind issues which may have been connected. But we did do the whole mashed organic carrot routine until we twigged that there has to be more to life than endlessly cleaning a mouli So (sigh) we bought expensive hand made baby foods made from organic obscure vegetables grown on south facing slopes by happy third world farmers, each jar blessed by Tibetan monks.

Now it's Tesco.

I called the doctor out at midnight when I thought my newborn dd was having breathing problems I recorded the strange noises she was making on my dictaphone (from journalist days) when the doctor arrived in a hurry she was sleeping like the proverbial baby and I’m like listen to this : it was when I played the dictaphone back that I realised that the strange noise she was making was squeezing a poo out in her nappy ( I changed her before he came) I started laughing but couldn’t tell him why : he thought I was nuts and left unimpressed .

Took her to the GP because she had a mole that I hadn't noticed before

This thread is making me chuckle. I took DD1 to A&E when she had a tiny tumble in the garden, cried when I got home from town and realised I hadn’t fastened her car seat straps and went into meltdown about her reflux, feeding schedule, poo schedule, sleeping schedule etc. DD2 is currently rolling batteries around the living room as I type, has never had a schedule of any kind and has MANY bumps on the head. I felt so under qualified to be a Mum the first time round even though I was 30 and thought I had waited until the “right time”. The second time I was SO much more chilled out and felt all the better for it.

Before I had my children I was a nanny and I had to keep a daily diary. I wrote down when they slept, what they ate, where we went and what we did but never any firsts. So, when I had my dc I did the same as they were lovely keep sakes. I noted which breast I fed from and how long, as I could never remember which side was next no matter what system I used. I wrote down their nap times, achievements, new words, sometimes if they wore new clothes or a last wear. Dc1 had a diary kept until he was five, dc2 until she was about the same. Dc3 until he was maybe three.

I left long instructions when PIL babysat. She didn't humour me .

My dc are now 12-16 and I'm still over protective of them.

Timing breastfeeds- most pointless thing ever! Wouldn't ever try crying it out again-now realise how cruel and pointless it is.

Where is the MNer who was so scared about her PFB being allergic to something that every time she introduced him to a new food, she did it in the car, in the hospital car park, so she'd be right outside if he had a reaction That was my favourite.

Used a website to track my PFB’s poo (noting consistency), pee, breast feeds (noting time & which boob), colic, sleep, etc etc. Produced graphs and charts. Sent the link & password to friends and relatives 😳

This actually trumps the patterned tights/weird rash story as my very favourite of the thread. You mean your mates received a password-protected link where they could read graphs and charts of your baby's poo?

I mean, thank God you protected it or who knows what nefarious persons could have done with this sensitive information!

My PFB had a bath and then a very precise 15 minute olive oil massage before pyjamas and 2 educational books every night.

The second is lucky if she gets new pyjamas and a baby wipe to the hands and face before being put to bed with zero fanfare.

I’m laughing out loud on my train reading these late very confessions.

When I was pregnant I bought this giant set of headphones that went over my bump and a monitor to check the heartbeat. Aside from being crap and ridiculous DH foresaw —yet— another anxious rush to the mid wife should the batteries go flat.

I loved DS smelling of perfume: showed he’d been cuddled lots.

now 22yr old,on rare sleepover with my mum or my sis..had two tops per bottoms.folded into "sets"socks that matched the outfit..and a timetable ,a food list,a what to do in event of....now 7yr old..black bag,usually with needs done first washing..i'll call you when i wake up.dont come back til i do.ha.shameless too

So much! I was young and clueless.

When I was pregnant I used to tuck my iPod headphones into my waist and so he could listen to music and two years on DP still uses a different kitchen sink bowl for Pfbs dishes

I too was an absolute wanker.

I had one of those bath thermometers and made grandparents (with 3 kids) use it to check baby's bath water temp was optimal.

I took Dettol wipes to the playground and wiped down the swing incase DS might suck the bar.

I wrote on DS's chalk board, a 'daily routine' for us to do each day, which included things like, 'practice alphabet' (he was 2) and 'flashcards.'

I got an emergency phone appointment with the GP because I had a cold sore and DS touched it with his hand, before I frantically wet wiped it and he then rubbed his eye. I was practically hysterical and asking if wet wipes can wipe away the cold sore virus and if he was going to get an eye coldsore and die.

I didn't attend any baby groups with him because I was far too busy cooking him things like steamed salmon with avocado and creme fraiche sauce and would place it into his mouth piece by piece because he didn't like spoons.

I was a complete bell end and my friends must have hated me

I did a 1st birthday party for DS1 which involved loads of food designed for little ones (eg Organix crisps and cereal bars etc). It was only when my lovely friend said 'SugarMice, these wotsits are disgusting!' (they were children's cheese puffs suitable for babies) that it dawned on me I hadn't done any refreshments for the adults, and kids' food was tasteless crap. Not as if some proper wotsits would have harmed anyone!!

With DC1 I was also a bit judgey about anyone giving their children little fromage frais with added sugar in them (like most of them have) because it was soooo easy to just stir some fruit purees into natural fromage frais or full fat yogurt yourself DC3 gets Asda or Aldi value fromage frais and regularly raids the snack cupboard for whatever takes her fancy!!

I was so scared my dd would choke when I was weaning her, I sat in the GP waiting room whilst feeding her her first tiny piece of apple 😏