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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 31/01/2018 06:47

Hmmmm.

When she asked what you were doing after the event THAT is when you should have told her. At that point you needed to say “we are staying over because DH and I plan to make a weekend of it to celebrate our anniversary and have child free time together “.

You might have had some thought for her since you were giving her a lift up.

It is not fair to leave her second guessing, spending money on hotels etc.

You need to be clear, NOW while she has a chance to cancel hotel / book advance rail tickets. OR sorbs the next day with her.

OldGuard · 31/01/2018 07:42

I’d be pretty disappointed if I was your friend

Please be honest and clear with her now so she can perhaps invite another person

DarkPeakScouter · 31/01/2018 09:49

Did Op ever come back?

Spadequeen · 31/01/2018 09:54

Why not ask her what she’s planning on doing the next day. Ask her if she’s getting the train home as you’re not sure what time you’re leaving

SnorkFavour · 31/01/2018 15:05

I don’t understand why her not bringing her partner makes such a difference? Surely you were already expecting to spend the time with a couple, why does it make a difference if it’s just her?

Because presumably if her friend had a partner with her, they'd be able to go and do their own thing, but now they feel obliged to stay with her.

OP, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel and how it was awkward at the booking stage! I feel for you.

If possible, I'd try to be honest with her and just explain it to her like you've explained it to us. I'd say that you'll take her up there but after that you'd really like some alone time as you don't have the children and it's a rare event.

I don't thing you're mean at all, it's just a misunderstanding and it's unfolded so that you now feel awkward to explain. But I would definitely explain, because you need that time together. You may as well bring the children if she's there the whole time lol.

Lizzie48 · 31/01/2018 15:06

I see the OP has disappeared from the thread, not surprisingly as she didn't come across well at all. Very unkind to agree to the friend's suggestion and then turn it into a romantic weekend away instead. Hmm

LittleMissUnreasonable · 31/01/2018 15:10

Even if OP has disappeared (which it looks like she has!) I hope to god she tells the friend so she has time to book transport and make other arrangements:)

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 15:28

Crikey Snork, that's really unkind, the friend is an adult, it's not the same as bringing their children along, unless the friend is prone to whining for food/drinks/wetting herself/having a shrieking tantrum.
Also, did you actually laugh out loud after typing that?Hmm

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 15:33

'Even if OP has disappeared (which it looks like she has!) I hope to god she tells the friend so she has time to book transport and make other arrangementssmile'

Yeah, like flog her ticket and kiss goodbye to 'friends' like this.

Cannot believe someone just likened an adult who is attending an event without her partner (oh, the shock!) to a child tagging along.

Best thing would be if this friend finds this thread and gets the measure of the OP.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 15:43

Nice to know being a single woman by choice means I'm akin to a child.
Maybe I should hook up with some random guy just so I can a valid adult.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 16:22

'Nice to know being a single woman by choice means I'm akin to a child.'

It also apparently means you're a piss-taking limpet just out for a free lift and to gate-crash everyone else's precious couple time. Hmm

Thankfully, plenty of us don't see it that way at all.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 18:07

Well at least I have a car, but I think that's the only thing going for me!
Those poor single women who don't drive, ugh, who would want to hang out with them?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 19:16

'Well at least I have a car, but I think that's the only thing going for me!'

If we meet up and you have to drive, do I count as a third-wheel even though I'm married?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 19:18

I'm meeting a married friend tomorrow who is coming up without her husband. I'm going without my husband, too. We're going out with a widowed friend. Who is the third wheel? Such a conundrum.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 19:20

Yes, yes you do, I will also expect petrol money for each mile I drive, with an extra charge since I am the driver of course.
MN is weird about driving.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 19:22

Naturally! When we get there, I'll make sure I fuck off immediately. Wouldn't want to infringe on your time, you might want to be looking for a quick hookup for some couple time and aw'.

Cake20189 · 31/01/2018 19:24

Just go, suck it up and have a fun time. The more the merrier!

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 19:25

We're not really friends, I just planned it all to get a lift. I'm incapable of making my own way anywhere, being just like a child.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 19:25

I'm going to an event weird mysterious event with my married friend on Friday night, she probs just feels sorry for my single sad self and will spend the whole mysterious event texting her husband wishing they were having couple time.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/01/2018 19:29

She'll be looking after me too of course since I'm just like a child, being single and all.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 31/01/2018 19:42

Likening a single adult woman to a child Grin loool!

That poster is probably stuck in the 40s where 25 year old single women were considered 'Old Maids' and going out without your husband as a lone woman was simply unheard of Grin

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 20:02

'I'm going to an event weird mysterious event with my married friend on Friday night, she probs just feels sorry for my single sad self and will spend the whole mysterious event texting her husband wishing they were having couple time.'

Make sure you apologise to her profusely for gate-crashing and give her petrol money for what it cost you to drive there. And fuck off immediately!

I definitely plan to. I'm going to meet my friend at the platform, but only because, being without her husband and therefore akin to a child, she'll need me to guide her to our hotel room, even though she speaks 3 languages and has travelled all over the world. She suggested it and all, but gah, I thought for sure she'd bring her husband.

My h is going to a 50th birthday party without me on Saturday. I'm gutted! We were all invited. I have to stay at home with our autistic son, but at least, he'll have our daughter there so he won't be alone and all (nevermind that she'll fuck off with the hosts' teens the second she's there).

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 20:04

'Likening a single adult woman to a child grin loool!'

Hilarious, isn't it? Grin

SnorkFavour · 31/01/2018 23:40

Crikey Snork, that's really unkind, the friend is an adult, it's not the same as bringing their children along, unless the friend is prone to whining for food/drinks/wetting herself/having a shrieking tantrum
Also, did you actually laugh out loud after typing that?hmm

Cannot believe someone just likened an adult who is attending an event without her partner (oh, the shock!) to a child tagging along

Expat and Brillo. the OP was looking forward to having time with her husband without the children. What I meant was that if her friend was there with her the whole time, the 'alone' aspect would be gone and so she may as well have the children with her - I wasn't likening the friend to a child at all, just observing that this wouldn't be the break she may have expected. It is actually the same as having a child tagging, just purely for the fact that it's not just you two if you see what I mean. I think she'd expected the friend to be bringing her OH and so expected that they'd do their own thing at some point, leaving the two of them alone.

Brillo, no, I didn't laugh out loud - but I did smile! I think lol as an abbreviation has moved on a little since it first came out and it's rarely used to indicate sidesplitting laughter any more, mostly it's used as a sort of ... hmmm ... it's hard to explain if you don't use it that way ... it's usually indicative of a very slightly comical situation where you imagine the user smiled an ironic smile while typing. That's the only way I can explain it really. My (educated) teenagers actually use it as a word in conversation now and I sometimes wonder what description will accompany it when it eventually makes it into the dictionary! Perhaps you could start a new trend and we can put S at the end of sentences like that for 'mildly amused ironic smile' or maybe even MAIS (lol) Grin

TinDogTavern · 31/01/2018 23:59

Do people really think that you need a partner in order to enjoy some time away? And that the absence of a partner automatically means the unaccompanied person a) must want to spend their time with a couple instead and b) is incapable of making their own travel plans? That's. Just. WEIRD.

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