Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third-wheel friend....AIBU to ask her to get a train home?

238 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 28/01/2018 18:33

So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. Event is a few hours away drive.

I dont mind being at the event with her as she is lovely and we do get on well, but no she has booked a night in the exact same hotel my DP and I are staying at. I was planning on doing things with him the day after, just us. We don't have a lot of money so this was sort of our Valentine's/anniversary event and we wanted to take full advantage of being away.

Would I BU to offer to drive her with us to the event but then ask that she takes the train home as we have plans the next day? Or is this mean? I don't want to make this shit for her as the whole thing was her idea, but when I agreed I had something totally different in mind.

OP posts:
babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:46

honeyroar it was the friend who suggested they go to the event, not OP.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 15:47

I'm also staying at hers in a few weeks, she'd never say her house is a B&B or ask for money, she's putting me up as I'm her friend.

babyccinoo · 29/01/2018 15:57

It sounds like the friend couldn't get her DP to go so hopes to get a lift with OP. She should have mentioned her DP is not going. It may have impacted OP's decision to go or not.

Having a third person is more of a responsibility than going with another couple who can entertain themselves.

Boulshired · 29/01/2018 16:02

I would pay towards petrol or pay for lunch/ coffee on route. I would not when asking friends assume that one person coming automatically includes their OH. I have lots of different tastes to DP.

strawberriesaregood · 29/01/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeyroar · 29/01/2018 16:11

Yes Babyccinoo I know. I don't get your point?

Wasn't it known that it was only the friend going when tickets were booked?

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 16:13

'It sounds like the friend couldn't get her DP to go so hopes to get a lift with OP. She should have mentioned her DP is not going. It may have impacted OP's decision to go or not.

Having a third person is more of a responsibility than going with another couple who can entertain themselves.'

Sounds like she shouldn't have mentioned it at all because it's obvious her so-called friends see her as a responsibility and a third wheel who's infringing on their couple time Hmm.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 16:19

Why should she have mentioned her DP is not going?
She's a person in her own right, not attached to her partner, and still this lift business, seriously, why is it a lift, they are going together, this was known from the start.
Is this one of those threads where people have an issue with non drivers?

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 16:20

'Wasn't it known that it was only the friend going when tickets were booked?'

Yes, it was.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 16:24

'She's a person in her own right, not attached to her partner, and still this lift business, seriously, why is it a lift, they are going together, this was known from the start.
Is this one of those threads where people have an issue with non drivers?'

Exactly! I'd just be honest with her because I'd want to know if this was my so-called friend's attitude so I could flog my ticket and not burden them Hmm.

category12 · 29/01/2018 16:24

Of course going to an evening event doesn't equate to having to spend the whole weekend together; however, if you say to friends "let's go to x event" and they say "yeah, let's", it's normal to think you'd be going together and that you'd share transport/arrangements.

It's a bit weird for the couple to turn the trip for x event into a romantic weekend away too and then describe the friend as a third wheel.

Nobody is doing anything wrong, but the friend isn't playing gooseberry.

HolyShet · 29/01/2018 16:28

the assumption would be that you'd stay over so that you can enjoy the event without the prospect of a latenight drive or train journey

no, OP, you can't dump the person whose idea it was in the first place at this late stage without being really horrible

You had the chance to mentally adjust when:

  • you only booked 3 tickets (bit of a give-away)
  • she asked which hotel you were in so you could all stay together
Jux · 29/01/2018 16:29

Perhaps your friend has her own plans for Sunday. That would explain her booking a hotel for herself without discussing with you.

If I were going to an event with a couple and they told me, sometime after tickets were booked, that they had decided to stay a night there, then I wouldn't see it as an invitation to join them, and if it sounded a bit like it was I would check before booking a hotel for myself.

OTOH, if they said they were staying the night, I might remember that I have an aunt/friend/someone who lives nearby and ring them up saying I'll be in the area and could I pop in and say hi..... then I'd book the hotel. In which case couple can couple as much as they like - I'll be having slap up feast with aunty!

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/01/2018 16:43

@strawberries

"She just doesn't want someone she doesn't know well gatecrashing her anniversary celebrations the next day."

The OPs DH decided to Turn it into a romantic break for 2 after the event had finished. The friend probably wouldnt have booked a hotel and would have headed back early if she had known the plans that the OP had failed to tell her...besides how can the poor bloody woman be gatecrashing her OWN plans when no one has bothered to tell her it's going to be 'couples only' after the event. She might have been looking forward to catching up with friends at a mutually interesting event

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 17:10

Is it this Friday in a city beginning with D?
Because if it is I'd invite the poor third wheel woman to hang out with my friend and I and come to lunch, only if she gives me 20p for petrol though of course.

Crunchymum · 29/01/2018 17:22

Tell her you are spending the Sunday shagging Grin

She can have a lift home if she is still about at x o'clock or may prefer to make her own way home.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 17:28

Aw, now, Brillo, don't be so generous! I did a long route with a friend and her two dogs, and her h met us every night in their motohome. We shared it all together, talk about gate-crashing! We kept running into this guided group of women who shot daggers at us because we consistently passed them up - what can I say? We were fast - so we hammed it up and responded to their nosy questions by saying we were sister wives. They didn't charge me, but I bought all the wine for the week, hmm, wonder which cost more given what we got through Grin.

She's coming up from London this week, we're staying in a hotel she's paying for, I'm buying all the food and wine. I should tell her we need to make a cost spreadsheet and link this thread and see how she laughs.

We went as a family on holiday to the Lakes last October and asked a widowed mate to come along. Dammit! What a third wheel! And we didn't charge her petrol! Imagine! She tried to offer us money and we said no because like, we were going anyway.

I wonder how some people have friends on here, I really do.

DenPerry · 29/01/2018 17:43

I think it would be tight not to give her a lift back, but totally reasonable to say you and DP are spending the day together for valentines/whatever and you'll meet up with her for the drive back.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 17:45

I'm single, my friend is married, along with this event we're going to another few this year, (God I feel a right twat saying event, kinda like the mysterious hobbies), anyway her husband isn't coming, if she suddenly invited him it'd be fine, I like him, we get on well, if she suddenly announced they were making a romantic couple thing of it, I'd be pissed off as I'd never have wanted to go in the first place if that was the case.
It's changing what was set out.

expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 17:52

'I'm single, my friend is married, along with this event we're going to another few this year, (God I feel a right twat saying event, kinda like the mysterious hobbies), anyway her husband isn't coming, if she suddenly invited him it'd be fine, I like him, we get on well, if she suddenly announced they were making a romantic couple thing of it, I'd be pissed off as I'd never have wanted to go in the first place if that was the case.
It's changing what was set out.'

Yep, especially when it started out like this:

'So my dp and I were told about this really fun event by a friend of ours. We aren't super close but have been out together a few times, etc. I assumed she was bringing her dp to make a double date so I offered to book the tickets. Turns out she was planning on attending by herself with us, and I didn't find out until the moment I was booking. '

The OP knew at the time of booking that the mate was not going with her partner and still booked the tickets as such. That would have been the time to say, 'Oh, we're planning to go as a couple and have a weekend away.'

Again, I think the OP should be honest with her so she can make her own decision about going now the OP and her partner consider her a 'third wheel' when she was the one who suggested it in the first place.

TheCowWentMoo · 29/01/2018 17:54

I think your being a bit weird about this op. Shes not really a third wheel, it wasn't a date. Its an event that she invited you to, I don't really think of people being third wheels anymore, or double dates to an event type situation, it's just friend hanging out, and shes booked a seperate room, it's not like she'll be standing over you while you shag. I'd be pretty pissed off if a mate thought of me as a third wheel in this situation, it's a bit childish, lots of emphasise on you being a couple.

What she's done so far is perfectly normal, I would expect if I was going to an event with friends to go with them in one form or another and I'd probably also assume the hotel was so you could drink etc. not because you were turning an event I'd invited you to into a romantic weekend.
Essentially nothing at all awkward has happened yet, but you are acting like it has.

Just tell her the truth, you and dp want to spend some time together the next day, so you'll be driving home at x time if she wants a lift. You are making a lot of unnecessary fuss, I highly doubt she's expecting to spend a whole weekend with you anyway.

rookiemere · 29/01/2018 17:54

I agree with expat. If I was the friend and read about myself on here described as a "third wheel" I'd never talk to the OP again.

The friend is the one who came up with the idea of going to the mysterious thing. She's perfectly within her rights to think you were going as a group. It appears she has her own hotel room anyway so you will have some time alone there.

Do what you want on the next day - tell her you'd plan to do some things as a couple and you can give her a lift back at x time or she can catch the train back if that doesn't suit.

But don't treat a friend like an imposition, when you suddenly decide that you want a different break away from the one you agreed in advance.

Buglife · 29/01/2018 18:05

I think if you’ve planned a trip to a concert as anthreeaome she probably would at have guessed you’d then turn it into a romantic getaway with your husband?! How is she supposed to know? It’s awkward of you to mix the two events and expect her to skulk around by herself or make herself scarce and go home when she’s not welcome. I honestly wouldn’t dream of going away for a night with a friend and then expecting them to leave us alone because I decided I was only interested in seeing DH! If you want a weekend away from the children with him just plan one for later in the year. You created the issue really. By all means say to her that you want to be left alone the next day, she may be fine with it, but I think it’s treating her a bit badly. She will be made to feel she’s in the way when she suggested you all did something together and that was agreed.

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/01/2018 18:07

I want to know what the event is now.
Is it an adult baby meet up, or a new dogging site or something?

PickleFish · 29/01/2018 19:46

seems mean to make her get the train home. Also single tickets are often fairly close to the price of returns.

If I was going to an event with friends several hours away, I would expect that it was something we were doing together - travelling together, staying in the same place, if indeed it was a place/event that one would want to stay (if it's several hours away, I can imagine most people would want to, whatever time it finished!). It's just sort of the expected thing for something that was arranged/booked as a group.

If she's told you/your DP about it as a just for information thing, happened to mention she was already going and maybe you'd be interested as well, that might be different. But when you arrange it as a group, you sort of expect things to be done as a group. If things weren't going to be done like that, I would imagine that the couple would tell me right from the start, before booking tickets - saying 'well we might go, we will think about it and arrange it, don't worry about us, might fit in with a weekend away we are doing, see you there perhaps' or whatever. But arranging it as a group would make me think they actually liked me as a friend and wanted an outing with me.

But then I'm single ,and am always feeling in the way with couples and groups, and am very grateful when I find a couple who doesn't actually mind talking to me or including me in things like that when I'm on my own. They don't have to spend every single second with me, but just treating me as part of their group rather than an inconvenience makes a big difference.

Swipe left for the next trending thread